


On The Road

by MBL2307



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Max Lightwood, Alternate Universe - Human, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Bad Parent Asmodeus (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Drunk Magnus Bane, Drunkenness, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Fame, High Magnus Bane, Hurt Magnus Bane, Kinda, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Rockstar Magnus Bane, Singer Alec Lightwood, Slow Burn, Temporary Alec/Andrew, Tour Bus, Touring, but there will be a happy ending epilogue, non-con sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 59,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23579851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MBL2307/pseuds/MBL2307
Summary: Rock star, Magnus Bane, was the 'Freddy Mercury of the 21st century' (Max Lightwood's words, not mine), until a public scandal causes him to have a meltdown and go on a year long hiatus, filled with alcohol, weed and sex. His father, who is also his manager, forces Magnus to clean up his act and go on tour with a new band called "the Lightwoods".46 days, 32 shows, from West coast to East coast - what could possibly go wrong?
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Andrew Underhill, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 252
Kudos: 292





	1. smile like you mean it

**Author's Note:**

> so it's been about three weeks since I started my quarantine, and I spend my days mostly writing Malec fan fiction. I guess something about all of this free time has my Malec juices flowing in long and strong waves and streams. I'm actually currently working on two different fics, and this one has more chapters already written up, so I decided to start posting this one first.
> 
> WARNING: this story is filled with drinking, some smoking and sex, but none of it is very explicit. please read the tags for any further warnings - I will also warn before each chapter if there is anything out of the ordinary. also, there is a lot of angst and it does have an open ending. I won't be too mean though, and I will include an epilogue as well, to close it up with a more happy ending.
> 
> okay, so I think that's it for now, please let me know your thoughts!

The penthouse door is not only unlocked, but also left opened, wide opened. Which in itself is a huge hazzard, especially when you live in Brooklyn Heights, and especially if you are a star as popular and famous as Magnus Bane. 

Asmodeus slowly walks through the threshold, hoping the sight before him will magically disappear, as if it is a figment of his imagination. It does not.

His son had been known to throw the most extravagant and epic parties, but they have always held a certain strict code of elegance and sophistication, no matter how high or drunk he was. But for the past year or so, it seems all of Magnus’ standards have gone down the drain and have long been lost and forgotten.

It is far from the first time that Asmodeus finds the penthouse in this state, with passed out bodies sprawled on every possible surface, some on top of each other. Empty bottles lying around everywhere, some of them broken. Cups, bowls, plates, empty and half eaten snack bags. Empty food containers and pieces of half eaten food _everywhere._

Not to mention the smell. The place reeks of sex, stale food and alcohol.

It is time for this to end.

So Asmodeus walks up the stairs and makes his way to his son’s bedroom, where he finds him laying naked with another man and a woman. He pauses for a moment at the opened door, wishing this was the first time, but the reality is, that he had long lost count of the amount of times he found his pathetic son like this. Which wouldn’t be such a problem if he still supplied the goods, but even that was long gone. And Asmodeus wasn’t going to allow this to go on any further.

So he slaps his son across his head, the first time he barely even shows signs of being alive, the second he just moans in protest, the third he has no choice but to open his eyes and see what the fuck is going on. He can barely register what is happening, let alone question it, when Asmodeus grabs him by the bicep and yanks him out of bed, “get up, you slob!” he shouts, as Magnus goes with him pliantly, the man and woman in the bed watch him with dazed, shocked eyes. “And you two better not be here when I get back.”

The two are quick to scurry out of the bed and get ready as quick as their hangovers will allow them.

Asmodeus proceeds by pulling his son into the en-suite bathroom and pushing him into the shower, grabbing the shower head and opening the water. Magnus yelps when the cold water hits him, “what the fuck?” he shouts as his father washes him down.

“This has gone on for far too long.” Asmodeus announces, “I have given you time for your little meltdown, but it has got to end now.”

“Look father, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.” Magnus' brain slowly regains a bit of its functions, as Asmodeus continues to wash him. He manages to turn the shower lever and warm up the water, before he continues, “besides, no one wants me anymore.”

Asmodeus rolls his eyes and hangs the shower head up, “finish your shower and come downstairs, we have some things to talk about.” he says, and without even waiting for a reply, walks out of the bathroom.

**\---**

Magnus walks down the stairs and into the kitchen, wearing his shower robe and slippers. Asmodeus watches him as he sips from his coffee, “You look terrible.” he informs him and hands his son a cup of coffee. Magnus rolls his eyes and accepts the coffee, taking a long appreciative sip.

“Well, good morning to you too.” Magnus murmurs sarcastically, taking another sip as he leans on the kitchen island.

“It is two in the afternoon.” Asmodeus deadpans accusingly, watching as his son rolls his eyes yet again.

“Oh lighten up and live a little.” Magnus snaps back, making his way out to his balcony. Asmodeus walks after him, causing Magnus to look at him over his shoulder and ask, “is there a reason why you’re shadowing me?”

“Don’t you dare use that tone with me, you selfish brat.” Asmodeus spits at him, “I have had enough of your pity party, it ends today.”

“This talk again?” Magnus asks dramatically, “I am not nearly drunk enough for this talk.”

“Magnus, I am serious, you have been doing nothing but partying for over a year now, and the media is really going down strong on you.” Asmodeus tells him seriously, even though Magnus couldn’t care less, “If you don’t get your act together soon, you will be forever labeled as the pathetic rock star who lost his mind.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t care less.” Magnus states, “let them talk and say what they want, they’re going to do it anyway. Besides, I am done with this business.”

“Like hell you are, you signed a contract, and the label has graciously given you an extension due to everything that has happened, but if you don’t get off your ass very soon, they will sue it.” Asmodeus hisses in a low threatening voice.

“So what? Let them sue, we can pay them off and be done with them.” Magnus states, uncaring.

“You stupid foolish boy, I will not allow that to happen.” Asmodeus threatens again, then goes on more calmly, “So I have been in and out of meetings the whole morning and we came up with a plan for you.”

“A plan? What plan?” Magnus asks, his voice slightly panicked.

“You are going to clean up your act and go on tour.” Asmodeus announces, handing over to Magnus the folder he had been holding, “the label signed a new band two years ago, called 'Shadowhunters', and they just came out with a new album, so the execs at the label think you and them can help each other.”

“Father I haven’t been on stage for over a year, and you know what happened last time I was.” Magnus says, still panicked as he goes over the folder, “I can’t do this.”

“I wasn’t asking.” Asmodeus says firmly, “you will go on this tour and you will give it your all.”

“There are over 30 shows here in less than a month and a half, starting in less than a week!” Magnus exclaims, horrified, “how the hell am I supposed to -”

“I don’t care how you do it, but you will.” Asmodeus cuts him off sharply, then goes on, ignoring his son's panic, “the label will be releasing your new album in a few days, and you have an interview with Lydia Branwell on her talk show, in two days, from there you will go meet the Lightwood siblings, and you will come up with two songs to do together. They will open every show with five songs, then two with you, then you will do another five and one encore song. Once the tour is over, on the fourth of May you will be presenting and performing one song at the GLAAD awards, they have been dying to have you back.”

His father goes on with his explanations, but his voice fades away as Magnus sinks further and further into his own head, which is completely spinning from overload, his breathing turning heavy and strained. He tries to open his mouth and say something, try and convince his father that he cannot and will not do this tour, but all that comes out are a few pathetic meaningless sounds.

“You can see there in the folder all the dates, you will travel on your own tour bus and spend nights either on it or in a hotel if it is more than one night.” his father goes on, ignoring his little breakdown, “most of the venues have a backstage which includes your own dressing room, in the venues that do not have, you will get ready at your hotel room. Of course there will also be a separate tour bus for your whole team and band.”

“How in the world did you organize all of this?” Magnus finally manages to say, in a weak voice, “this kind of planning takes -”

“Months?” his father cut him off, in a condescending tone, “yes, I am aware. We have been planning this since last November, while you were out and… about.”

It suddenly dawns on Magnus that all of this planning has been going on behind his back, while he believed that his father was finally off his case and letting him live his life. He actually started to hope that maybe his father would let him off the hook completely, allowing him to get out of the god awful spotlight forever.

“Father I can’t.” Magnus chokes out, “please, I can’t do this.”

Asmodeus looks at him with hard eyes, “Raphael will be here on Monday morning to pick you up, he will be watching over you the whole time to make sure you don’t do anything stupid like not showing up.” he says, completely ignoring his sons distress.

“I’m not doing this.” Magnus tries to stand his ground, throwing the folder onto the balcony couch and folding his arms in protest, “You can’t force me.”

“My stupid little boy, you will do as I say.” Asmodeus threatens, “my name is on your account, on this penthouse and everything else you own, and I can take you down in a snap and leave you on the streets if I want to.”

“You wouldn’t…” Magnus stammers patheticly, seeing no way out.

“I think we both know I would.” Asmodeus smirks, all too smug, “besides, singing is all you’re good at, so there really is nothing else you could do with your pathetic life.”

“Father, I -”

“Save it.” Asmodeus cuts him off sharply, “this decision is final, so you better get it together very soon.”

And with that, he walks out, leaving Magnus with his long forgotten coffee and the folder with all the tour information.

**\---**

There is loud knocking on the front door of the penthouse, which Magnus does his best to ignore, but the person on the other side is persistent and when his knocking isn't answered, he turns to banging.

Magnus grunts in frustration, turning over to his side and covering his head with his pillow. It doesn’t help and he can still hear the banging, but he makes no move to get up and open it. He peeks over from under the pillow at the clock on his bedside table, it is 7 am. Shit. he is still drunk or high from last night, he can’t tell which one. But it's a nice calming buzzing in his mind. The musician cannot recall clearly what happened, and why he is alone in bed. Hell he doesn’t even remember what day it is.

The banging stops and it becomes suspiciously silent. Magnus is thankful either way for the silence, which is short lived when he hears the front door being opened and closed and footsteps making their way in and up the stairs. If he had more brain cells online, Magnus probably would have panicked and done something to get away and protect himself, but most of his cells were offline, and he really couldn’t care either way.

Worst case scenario he gets attacked and dies, at least then he won’t have to go on that horrifying tour his father is forcing him to go on.

He does however, begin to panic when his bedroom door bursts open and his blanket comes flying off of him roughly. “Time to get up sleeping beauty.” his intruder announces, looking and sounding way too happy to torture him like this, as Magnus lifts his head from under the pillow to glare at him.

“Go away Raphael!” Magnus shouts and buries his head back under the pillow. But Raphael is quick to stop him and drag him out of bed.

“You and I both know very well that that is not happening.” Raphael tells him in his usual low threatening tone, one that puts up a good fight with Asmodeus’, “Now let’s sober you up.”

“Actually, if I’m going to do this, I need to get even more drunk.” Magnus announces as he walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth, Raphael at his tail.

“Not happening.” his bodyguard states, “now hurry up, you’ve got packing to do.”

“Fine.” Magnus concedes with a loud groan, and a mouth full of toothpaste, then proceeds by finishing to brush his teeth, and turning on the shower. He is about to remove his shirt when he realizes that Raphael had yet to move from his spot by the door. “Are you going to watch me shower?”

“Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Raphael replies with a smirk.

“I literally have no way to escape, can’t you guard from outside the door?” Magnus asks motioning with his arms around him. How low has he gotten that his bodyguard has to watch him shower? That he had been so out of it, he hadn’t even stopped to be bothered by it before…

“No.” Raphael states shortly, leaving no more room for argument as he straightens his back and folds his arms. Magnus may be taller, but his bodyguard is hella scary. At least he does him the decency of not staring at him directly. 

So Magnus sighs heavily and reluctantly takes off his clothes and jumps in the shower.

**\---**

You would think that after a whole year of being the tabloids favorite target, they would actually get bored eventually. How many stories and pictures can they post about him getting drunk, high or making a fool of himself, without boring their followers. Surely there must be something more interesting than a “has been” rock star who completely lost it.

Apparently, there isn’t.

There is a whole horde of paparazzi outside his building when they step out the main entrance, and Magnus is glad he chose to wear a cap and huge sunglasses to hide behind. Raphael has a hand on his back as he leads him to the limo, Magnus tries to keep his head down and avoid all the questions and flashes thrown at him. Last time this happened he broke a pap’s camera and almost got sued, lucky his father was there to handle it and pay him off.

When they are securely closed inside the limo, Magnus throws his hat aside and takes off his glasses, “why the fuck didn’t we go out the back?” he shouts at Raphael.

Raphael spares him a short bored glance as he replies, “Your father’s orders.” he explains, then taps the partition screen between them and the driver, signaling that he can start driving, “he wants you to be seen, so they don’t dare forget about you.”

Magnus rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically, “good ol’ unconditional father’s love at it’s finest.” he announces sarcastically, “lucky me.”

They fall silent as the tension builds, Magnus pulls out his phone when he feels it vibrate a few times. He hasn’t touched any of his social media accounts in all this time, but of course his father has taken over them and does as he pleases to promote his agenda.

“Great.” he says under his breath, letting out a small incredulous laugh, “he wastes no time.” When Raphael gives him a questioning look, Magnus shows him the announcement his father posted on his twitter account, telling the world about his interview. The post has already gotten millions of likes and retweets.

And when he scrolls further back, to earlier dates, Magnus discovers that his father had been posting and promoting this tour and his new album for a few months already, and when searching a bit though the internet, he discovers that most of the shows are completely sold out.

Shit, how out of it was he, that he had been completely blind and oblivious to all of this going on without his knowledge or consent.

“I’m sorry, I wish it didn’t have to be like this.” Raphael tells him, and he actually looks and sounds sincere.

“Whatever.” Magnus brushes it off with a wave of his hand, “he doesn’t pay you to care.”

Magnus is glad when Raphael makes no further attempt to respond or say anything else, just hands him a schedule he probably got from Asmodeus, and allows them both to get sucked into the silence.

**\---**

They arrive at the studio just after 10 am, where his father is quick to yank him out of the limo and through the sea of paparazzi. “Smile and look happy to be here.” Asmudeous hisses into his ear, pressing hard on his arm when he doesn’t comply, “now.”

So Magnus forces a fake smile onto his face and waves, it is far from the first time.

They make their way into the huge building and up the elevator, through a few corridors and doors, until they finally reach his dressing room where a huge gift basket awaits him, filled with fruits, chocolates and baked goods.

“Raphael, please get that out of here.” Asmodeus says, pointing at the basket, “you can leave the fruit.” and Raphael follows his orders, a perfect soldier Magnus could never be or understand.

Then they proceed to go over some notes and pointers for the interview, which just causes Magnus’ anxiety to intensify. He needs a drink, or a joint, or something, anything to clear his mind.

His father forces him to eat a couple of fruits as they go over everything, which Magnus swallows up quickly, because he can’t remember the last time he ate, and because he needs to keep his mouth occupied, especially since it helps to keep his mind occupied.

He is glad when his father finally leaves him to get ready, and he has a few moments to himself before Cat arrives to do his hair and make up. So he rummages through his small suitcase and pulls out his flask, smiling triumphantly as he takes a few big gulps.

He manages to sneak a few more gulps and sips between his hair and make up, and getting on stage. So by the time an assistant director is walking him towards the stage and Lydia Branwell is announcing his name, he is pleasantly buzzed.

Lydia hugs him in greeting, and judging by the small wrinkle of her nose, he can tell that she can smell the alcohol. But of course she says nothing, just smiles and gestures towards the couch, asking him to take a seat, and Magnus really couldn’t care either way. All the while the crowd is going crazy, cheering and clapping.

“Magnus, we are honored to have you.” Lydia exclaims and the crowd calms down, “it has been a while.”

“Yes it has.” Magnus agrees, doing his best to smile back, as he recites his father’s script, “and it’s an honor to be here, thank you for having me.” Magnus had long ago mastered the art of lying and faking his happiness, so much so that it became second nature, until he had enough and blew up a year ago.

He isn’t sure if he is glad or sad to see now that he still got it, that he is still amazing at faking.

“So you made a new album just over a year ago…” Lydia informs, as if he hasn’t a clue, “what can you tell us about it?”

Magnus tries to focus and remember, because it’s been so long and he’s been so out of it, that he can barely recall which songs were on that album, which had been left forgotten due to his hiatus. Then he remembers his father’s notes, and manages to stammer it out, “well, it has a lot of new rock songs on it, mixed with different styles and some cool instruments.”

“Well, we can’t wait to hear it, when is it coming out?” Lydia asks with a huge smile.

“In a couple of days, right before we go on tour to promote it.” Magnus replies, trying hard not to roll his eyes or reach into his jacket’s inside pocket for his flask.

“Amazing! So we were also happy to hear about the tour.” Lydia tells him, eyeing him with concern as he sways a bit in his seat, “your fans are super excited.”

“Yeah, so am I.” Magnus forces, wondering how the hell everyone can be so stupid as to buy his act, even when he is tipsy and can barely keep a straight face, “it has been too long.”

“A whole year to be exact.” Lydia elaborates oh so helpfully, “a year that has not been easy on you.”

“No it hasn’t.” Magnus gritts out, feeling that he is starting to lose his cool.

“I mean, it must be difficult, to be living such a public life, experiencing something like that in front of the whole world.” Lydia goes on, oblivious to the storm beginning to rage inside Magnus, “what Camille did to you, has this year helped to get over it?”

She looks at Magnus as if actually expecting an answer to that, he just looks at her with wide eyes, frozen to his spot.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” he finally manages.

“I’m sorry, I know it must be a sore subject.” Lydia says with what can only be fake sympathy, “I mean we all saw how hard it was on you, it -”

“I said,” Magnus cuts her off sharply, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know, I just thought -”

“Clearly you weren’t thinking.” He snaps and gets up, then mumbles, “shit, I can’t do this.”

Ripping off his mic, Magnus runs off stage and locks himself in his dressing room, ignoring his father’s shouts and knocks on the door as he hides under the table and hugs his knees to his chest.


	2. descent of angels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Lightwood siblings react to Magnus' interview, and finally get to meet the famous rockstar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, thank you all for the comments and kudos, it really warms my heart!
> 
> I have made a tiny change in the first chapter, and instead of "the Lightwoods" their band name is "Shadowhunters."
> 
> so this chapter includes a few musical tips and such, and I'm no expert so I had to look it up and base it off google research, so please forgive me if it is not accurate.
> 
> okay, that is all for now, please let me know what you thought!

“Seriously Hodge? Him?” Jace’s voice echoes loudly through the shocked silence in the office, as he stands up and points at the tv screen, “how is he supposed to help our career? He is a mess and can barely help his own career.”

“I know, I know this doesn’t make him look great, but please trust me.” Hodge says calmly, standing up from his office chair, walking around his desk and placing a hand on Jace’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, “I really do believe that his popularity can give you the boost you need.”

“Are you sure about that?” Jace questions skeptically, pointing again at the screen where a short moment ago Magnus ran off stage, “he is a drunken ‘has been’, who hasn’t performed in over a year.”

“And yet, he is still more popular than you guys are.” Hodge points out, then continues when they make protesting noises, holding up his hands to quieten them, “Sorry, I know it sounds bad, but I’m just stating the facts. The fans still love him, perhaps even more than before, he has the sympathy votes.”

“And how is this going to work exactly, huh?” Alec speaks up from where he is still sitting on the couch, elbows leaning on his knees. With raised eyebrows and a pointed look, he continues, “I mean look at him, how is he going to manage over 30 shows if he can barely manage one interview?”

“That is not something you need to concern yourself with.” Hodge insists, looking around at the four Lightwoods, “I was told that Magnus will be getting all the help he needs, all we have to do is focus on making great music.”

“But why him?” Jace questions yet again, on the verge of whining, “I mean, the label has so many other popular artists, so why him? Cuz it’s clear he doesn’t wanna do it either.”

“Yeah, what about Andrew?” Alec straightens his back as he speaks, growing excited by his idea, “he’s working on his first album, we can go on tour with him once he is done.”

The three other Lightwoods throw in approving words as Hodge raises a silencing hand again, “that can take too long, and you cannot afford to waste that time.” he explains, somehow maintaining his patience, “Look I’m not privy to all the label’s decisions, but this is what they are insisting on.” Hodge continues, “I’m pretty sure Asmodeus has a lot to do with it, but either way, we are not in a position to argue, you need this.”

“Yeah, but at what cost?” Alec asks with anger in his tone as he stands up as well, “I mean, looks like he can just do more damage, what if he messes up like that during the tour? It won’t only ruin his career, our’s is just as much on the line, he can risk that.”

“Look, I won’t let that happen.” Hodge promises firmly, “Idris records is the best label in the business, and I trust them to make the right and best choices for their artists. It is just as much in their interest as it is in yours.”

Alec sighs and sits back down, conceding.

“Besides, he is the Freddy Mercury of the 21st century.” Max finally speaks up, spinning a drumstick between his fingers, then he smirks at Alec as he continues, “you should know more than anyone how much he influenced the music industry.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alec snaps at him with a burning gaze.

But despite the threat, Max just looks even happier he managed to wind him up, and his smirk widens as he goes on, “I may have been young, but even I remember your huge cru -”

“Enough!” Alec cuts him off sharply, as he points a warning finger

“Enough both of you!” Izzy finally speaks up as well, looking between her brothers with a scolding look, then more calmly she voices her opinion, “I think Max has a point, Magnus Bane may be a shipwreck, but he is still a musical genius, and the fans still love him.”

“Yeah, he is pretty great when it comes to music.” Alec agrees with a sigh, as silence falls between them again.

“Not to mention that the label has already announced that you’re joining Magnus on his tour, and most of the shows are already sold out.” Hodge pipes in again.

“So what now?” Jace questions with a small defeated sigh.

“Well, we will meet him at the studio tomorrow morning, start rehearsing those two songs I told you about, the ones you will be performing together.” Hodge explains as he hands them each a schedule, “then we fly to Seattle, our first stop of the tour, from there on, it’s west to east coast on the tour buses.”

“We won’t have to share one with him, right?” Jace cringes as he asks, pointing at the screen for the third time, even though Magnus was long gone, “because if I have to -”

“No, of course not.” Hodge cut him off, laughing lightly, “he has his own bus.”

“Can I also get my own bus?” Max asks eagerly, drumming on the coffee table.

“No!” Jace, Alec and Izzy call at the same time - Jace still pissed at the world, Alec exasperated and Izzy amused.

Hodge smiles at Max with amusement, as Alec places his hand on his, stopping his drumming, “unfortunately no, you cannot.” Hodge tells him.

“Awww not fair.” Max complains.

**\---**

Max is sitting on his drum stool, sticks in hand, drumming lightly to the beat of one of their latest songs. Izzy is humming along as she fixes her makeup, sitting crossed legged on the stage in front of his drum set, pocket mirror in hand. Jace is tuning his guitar in the corner of the room, looking like he is about to blow his head off. And Alec is pacing back and forth in front of the stage, watching the clock on the wall as the time ticked by.

“Alec, would you quit pacing?” Izzy finally says, keeping her eyes on her reflection in the small mirror, “you're making me dizzy.”

Alec looks at her as he continues to pace, then sighs heavily, sitting down on one of the arm chairs. “This is such a fucking waste of time.” he complains, rubbing his face with his hands.

“Well, you know what they say…” Max speaks up, without missing a beat in the tune he is playing, and when Alec looks up at him with irritated eyes, he goes on with a mischievous smile, “never meet your heroes.”

Alec mutters a sharp ‘shut up’ at his youngest brother, but can’t help but think that he has a valid point. The eldest Lightwood sibling used to admire the famous rockstar, since he was a teenager he would always wish to be like him, Alec was inspired by Magnus, even had a small crush on him for a while. And all that is now being completely crushed and destroyed.

And yet, he is not going to admit that out loud, let alone provide Max with the satisfaction.

As he continues to glare at Max, his other brother snorts, pausing his work on his guitar, “Hate to say I told you so, but…” Jace mutters from his corner, then more firmly, “actually I don’t hate it, cuz I love being right, and I totally predicted this.”

“Shut up Jace, you're not helping.” Alec warns.

“Yeah, he’s probably just waiting to make a dramatic entrance.” Izzy suggests with an amused smile, putting her makeup and mirror away.

“Or being fashionably late…” Max adds, moving on to play a different tune.

“We’ve been waiting for him for almost an hour, there is nothing fashionable about that!” Jace exclaims as he stand up abruptly, almost knocking over the chair he had been sitting on, “I don’t know who he thinks he is, but - “

“Why I am Magnus Bane, of course!” a soft velvety voice calls out from the entrance to the studio, causing all four heads to turn to him, “and I am nothing if not fashionable.”

For a short moment in time, everything freezes and all is forgotten as Alec looks at the man of whom he once had a poster hanging above his bed, and thinking of how he used to fantasize about this moment.

Magnus smiles at them as he leans on the door frame, “hello beautiful Lightwoods... or would you rather I call you Shadowhunters?” he greets with a small smirk and a wink, then takes a swing from his flask, “should we get this party started?”

“Oh, we were ready to start an hour ago.” Jace hisses.

“Pardon me, but I just… really didn’t want to come.” Magnus says, looking amused, then takes another sip from his flask.

“Well, neither did we.” Jace retorts as he steps closer, “and yet, we managed to get here on time.”

Magnus looks at Jace with a bored look, then makes his way a little clumsily to the piano, brushing his fingers gently over the keys, looking nostalgic and sad. The Lightwoods just watch him for a moment, as he seems to be stuck in some kind of reverie. Alec and Jace share a look between them, then at their siblings, as Jace mouths, “he’s drunk!”

Finally, Alec steps forward, forcing his nerves to calm, “Look, let's not waste anymore time.” he suggests, resuming the role of the responsible sibling, “we don’t have a lot of it to get this done, so we should get this started if we want to get home at a decent hour.”

“Fine.” Jace grits out as Izzy and Max hum their agreements.

But Magnus ignores them as he softly starts to play a beautiful melody, closing his eyes and losing himself in the song, pouring his whole body into it. The Lightwoods continue to watch him in awe as he plays, seemingly lost in his own little bubble.

As the song comes to an end, Magnus slowly opens his eyes, then looks around him, startled, as if only just then noticing where he is. He lets out a soft laugh, to cover up what seems to be his growing nerves, then takes another huge gulp from his flask. But Alec can see the slight tremor of his body, the lack of life in his eyes and the barely noticeable break in his laugh.

“Magnus, are you…?” Alec begins, frowning, but is quickly cut off by Magnus turning towards them, still sitting on the piano bench, and clapping his hands together.

“Okay, shall we get this over with?” he asks, slowly swaying in his seat, when neither Lightwood sibling replies, he continues, “So, you teach me one of your songs, I will teach you one of mine, then we perform them together in each show.”

When he is yet again met with silence, he snaps his fingers and points at Alec, “come on pretty boy, get your band together.” he tells him, snapping them out of their shock, “show me what you’ve got.”

As they regain their composure and make their way to the stage, Magnus turns his back to them and takes another sip from his flask with shaking hands.

**\---**

Magnus is still sitting on the piano bench when they start playing the opening tune of their song, “descent of angels”. He looks unfocused and still stuck in his own world, but Alec doesn’t let that hinder them and starts singing anyway. Then Magnus is humming along, tapping his foot to the beat.

When the song is over, they are looking at him expectantly, but he just stares for a moment longer into space, seemingly seeing and hearing something they can’t. Then he turns back to the piano, placing his fingers over the keys.

“Jace, in the opening of the chorus I want you to use a B Major chord as a transition between F Minor and F Major.” he announces, looking at Jace’s annoyed expression over his shoulder, “Like this.”

Magnus then turns back to his piano and demonstrates the transition.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Jace shouts, but Alec places a hand on his shoulder, signaling to him to allow Magnus to go on.

“Isabelle, try to go from D to E, then to G in the verses.” Magnus goes on, ignoring Jaces protests, and when Izzy tries out his instructions, playing the chords on her bass with an excited smile, he praises her, “fantastic, just like that.” then he turns to Max, “Maxwell, wait an extra half a beat between the bridge and the chorus. Also, add a ghost note every four beats in the verses.” Max just smiles and nods obediently, a little awe struck, as he tries it out. Magnus bobs his head to the beat, an impressed smile on his lips.

Then Magnus turns to Alec, “And you, Alexander -”

“Alec.”

Alec cut him off, but Magnus continues as if he didn’t, “try to relax your jaw more on the e vowels. And pause on the same beat as Max in between the bridge and chorus.” Magnus pauses for a moment, watching Alec as he slowly takes it in and nods, the Magnus adds with a suggestive smile and wink, “otherwise… you’re perfect.”

They are all looking at him dumb struck when he’s done talking.

Then, Jace steps forward with smoke coming out of his ears and pointing his finger at him, “Look, you cannot come in her - late, might I add - and change up our song.” he growls at him, as Magnus stares up at him, looking unfazed, “we worked our asses off on that song, and you will not -”

“Jace!” Izzy shouts, cutting him off, “don’t yell at him.”

“No, I’m not going to allow this fucked up, washed out musician, ruin our song.” Jace goes on, gesturing at Magnus while looking at Izzy, “it’s bad enough we have to suffer sharing a stage with him, I am not going to listen to his nonsense.”

“Jace, that was completely un-” Alec begins, but Magnus stands up and waves his hand to shut him up, then walks over to Jace, giving him a distasteful look.

“I may be fucked up,” he says calmly, “but even drunk I am a better musician than you, with more experience than you.” Jace makes to protest again but Alec quickly warns him with a small shove and piercing eyes, as Magnus goes on, ignoring them, “now, neither of us have a choice in being here, so we may as well make the best of what is. Besides, I’m just trying to help you. No one is forcing you to make any changes, or saying that the song is bad. I merely suggested some tweaks to make it even better.”

“Jace, please let’s not waste anymore time with unnecessary arguments.” Alec says sternly before anyone else can respond, “Let’s just try the song with the changes, then decide which version we prefer.”

“Fine.” Jace grits out between his clenched teeth.

Izzy pats him softly on his back and gives him a sympathetic look, before adjusting the strap of her bass, getting ready to start from the top. Jace takes a moment longer than everyone else, before finally conceding and resuming his initial position, ready to start the song from the top.

They begin playing the opening notes, as Magnus sits back down on the piano bench. He stares into space for a moment, as Alec sings the first verse. Then as they play the bridge and Alec sings, “Out of your nightmares, from inside your closet, and under your bed…” Magnus is standing again and picking up the extra mic and joining Alec into the chorus, “Dark eyes window, to your soul…” Not taking over, or over shadowing, just harmonizing and singing together with him, adding an extra element to the song.

And for a moment, Alec is actually living the dream he had as a teenager.

“Descent of angels, with armor and weapons…” Magnus steps closer to Alec as they sing, looking up at him, locking his gaze with his, Alec looks back, tries to see through the foggy haze of his drunken eyes, and even though Magnus looks like he feels the lyrics he is singing, despite not being his own, his gaze remains guarded and distant.

“Fighting the shadows, of your world…”As they reach the end of the chorus, and the gaze gets too intense, Magnus turns away, keeping his back to Alec as they sing the final note of the chorus. 

The song goes on, and Magnus joins in again during some of the verses and in each chorus, but doesn’t look back at Alec again, consumed once more by his own dark mind, but still not missing a single beat.

And it is amazing, because Magnus was actually right, even in his drunken broken state, he is still a brilliant musician. And there is something so beautiful and yet so terribly sad about him, and somehow it breaks Alec’s heart.

And even so, he enjoys every moment of his duet with the incredible Magnus Bane.

There is a long moment of tense silence when the song is over. They are each stuck in their own trance, before looking at each other, amazed. Even Jace couldn’t hide how much better they sounded and how impressed he is.

“You’re welcome.” Magnus announces, then walks towards the door. “Now I need a break.”

And before either of them can protest or say anything at all, he is out of the door which bangs shut behind him, a loud thud echoing in the studio.

**\---**

When Magnus doesn’t return ten minutes later, and Jace is getting antsy and impatient yet again, Alec decides to go looking for him. He checks the balcony and the small kitchenette, and when Magnus is in neither, he makes his way to the men's room. He is about to put his hand on the handle, when the door swings open, revealing Magnus on the other side.

They both pause for a moment, taken aback by the sudden meet. Alec looks down at Magnus and tries to really see him, noticing how he has dark shadows under his eyes that even his make up can't hide. His eyeliner is a bit smudged in the edges, and he looks too pale and sick.

Alec can’t help but wonder if Magnus just threw up in there, but he knows better than to ask.

“Are you okay?” he asks instead.

The smile that appears on Magnus’ face is too quick and too big, and looks anything but genuine and way too practiced. But before Alec can say anything further, Magnus speaks up, “I’m fine.” he asserts, in a voice that is just as fake, but sounding frighteningly real.

Magnus holds his gaze for a fraction of a second longer, before looking away abruptly, “Okay, shall we get back to work?” he asks way too cheerfully, then without waiting for a response, walks past Alec and back towards the studio.

Alec stays rooted to his spot for another moment, watching Magnus’ retreating back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo there you have it, the Lightwoods finally met the infamous Magnus Bane, and it is awkward to say the least... so what did you think? do you agree with Max that you should never meet your heroes?
> 
> please let me know in the comments!
> 
> next chapter they get the show on the road and reach their first destination!


	3. the show must go on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first destination and show of the tour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for all the wonderful comments and kudos, it warms my heart!  
> so I wanted to post this a couple of days ago, but I've kinda been struggling with my writing the past few days and just couldn't bring myself to do it. also, this kinda got longer than I expected and was a monster to edit.
> 
> but alas, here we are! and hopefully it came out food and you enjoy it.
> 
> please let me know your thoughts.

Magnus walks up the stairs leading to his private jet, Raphael close behind him, he smiles politely at the flight attendant waiting at the entrance, then freezes once he steps past her and sees the aircraft cabin. For a second, he finds himself wondering if perhaps he had gotten on the wrong plane. When he realises that is not possible, he turns to his bodyguard with a raised eyebrow.

Raphael shrugs, a bored expression on his face, “your father invited them.” he says offhandedly, then walks past him to take his seat.

“Of course he did.” Magnus mutters to himself, then turns to the flight attendant “I’m going to need a very strong gin and tonic please.” and with another glance inside the cabin, after a few loud laughs, “on second thought, hold the tonic.”

He may be washed out, but even so, Magnus catches the small grimace that appears on her face, “I’m sorry sir, but we do not have gin.” the flight attendant informs him, looking quite weary of him.

Magnus looks at her suspiciously with narrowed eyes, then asks, “whisky?”

She shakes her head, then replies cautiously, “I’m afraid not.”

“Wine? Anything?” By this time, Magnus is already desperate and he can feel different pairs of eyes watching his back.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Bane, but your father has banned alcohol from this flight.” Magnus can see the subtle step back the flight attendant takes as she speaks, despite her lame attempts to hide it.

Magnus can feel the air leave his lungs all at once, because he knows he will not survive this flight without alcohol. Who the fuck does his father think he is to prevent him from drinking, his only solace to this whole nightmare. 

Earlier, before he left the house, Magnus had downed a whole tumbler of gin, then another flask-full on the way to the airport, but that was far from enough to last him. He did pack a backup, but it was buried in his suitcase which is now in the luggage compartment at the bottom of the plane, already locked and sealed.

No, there is no way in hell he is spending over six hours locked up in a small plane, especially not with all those people.

He looks back at the Lightwoods and a couple others he doesn’t recognize, then turns back to the opened door and mumbles, “nope, not doing this.” he walks out the plane and down a couple of stairs when Raphael catches up with him.

“Where the fuck do you think your going?” He asks angrily, grabbing hold of his wrist, almost causing him to stumble on the stairs.

Magnus yanks his hand back roughly and runs down the rest of the stairs, Raphael is quick to follow. “Magnus! Get back here!” he shouts after him,“We don’t have time for this.”

“I can’t do this Raphael, I can’t.” Magnus tells him, turning to him gesturing dramatically at the jet, “he fucking banned alcohol, how am I supposed to survive that?” 

“Look, I’m sorry, I know this isn’t easy on you, but you don’t really have a choice either.” Raphael tells him, “if you don’t get on this plane now, he is going to send people much worse than me to get you on it.”

Magnus looks at him, his eyes begging him for help, but in vain. Even without the refusal in the small shake of Raphael’s head and his cold stare, Magnus knows that he had long lost the other man’s compassion and willingness to assist him. He then looks up at the plane and sighs. He can already feel the anxiety building inside him, but he gives up all fight, his body drained of energy, and allows Raphael to grab hold of his arm and pull him back up to the plane.

When they step back on the plane, the Lightwoods do a terrible job at pretending to be oblivious and focus on anything other than him. But Magnus really couldn’t care less, he just wants to curl up in the furthest seat possible and block them out.

But of course, nothing is ever that easy and Izzy rushes over to him with their two guests and smiles at him, “Magnus, so good to see you again.” She exclaims happily, and Magnus is glad he didn’t blurt out that he wishes he could say the same, “this is our roadie Clary and our techie Simon.” she introduces, pointing at a petite ginger girl, then at a brunette guy with glasses.

“Oh my god, Mr. Bane, I’m such a huge fan.” the guy - Samuel? He already forgot - stammers enthusiastically, “your music is just out of this world.”

Magnus looks at him and pinches the bridge of his nose, “yeah thank you.” He mumbles, then quickly walks away, and finds his seat.

  
  


It’s barely an hour into the flight when Magnus feels the effects of withdrawal. His whole body is covered in a thin layer of sweat, his hands are shaking slightly, and his head feels like it’s about to burst, especially with all the noise going on around him. The Lightwoods and their friends are by no means silent. He tried to fall asleep but he had never been good at sleeping, even in his own bed, so there was no way in hell he would succeed on a plane seat.

When the flight attendant offers him a meal, he politely declines, even though he can’t remember when he last ate. But his stomach won't tolerate anything right now, so he takes deep breaths and tries to hold it down, as his eyes stare daggers out the plane windows, as if it holds the cure for nausea.

“Hey, are you okay?” a sudden voice appears beside him.

Magnus tears his eyes away from the window and looks at the seat beside him, to find Alec sitting there watching his shaking hands with concern. Magnus quickly claps his hands together and holds them down on his lap, trying to force them to stay steady.

“I’m okay.” he promises with a small smile, the only one he can muster, “I’m just… I may have a small fear of flying, but I promise you, it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Alec looks unconvinced, but is polite enough to not voice it, instead, “Is that why you didn’t want to get on?” he asks, keeping his tone low and cautious, “the plane, I mean.”

Magnus contemplates a moment between politely sending this Lightwood away, and actually responding to his question, perhaps it could help to distract him a bit. And he was easy on the eyes, so how bad could it be?

“Yes, I guess it has just been a while and I…” Magnus began, surprising even himself by his sudden open flow, “I just got a little overwhelmed.”

“And I’m assuming the noise and extra people doesn’t help?” Alec asks sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck, “sorry about that, by the way.”

Magnus shakes his head as he averts his gaze back to the window, “It certainly doesn’t make it any easier, but don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.” Magnus promises.

“When your father offered, I tried to decline, my siblings were furious about it, but I just didn’t want to overcrowd you, I had a feeling it would be too much.” Alec explains, and Magnus sighs, then looks back up at him.

“But my dear father wouldn’t accept no for an answer, would he?” Magnus guesses, and Alec nods in response. “Well, I guess it is a huge expense to save on, so…”

“Yeah…” Alec says with a small chuckle, then they both fall silent, their gazes lingering on each other for a moment longer, then both quickly avert them and turn their heads straight ahead.

“So, I guess we have like a month and a half to spend together on this tour, and I just wanted to come over here and make sure we’re okay.” Alec rambles nervously, “I mean, after that rehearsal, I hope you didn’t take Jace personally.”

Magnus laughs lightly in response, then looks back up at Alec, smiling at his concerned frown, “fear not, Alexander.” he tells him, causing Alec to smile as well, “If I got insulted for every response like that that I got, I would never get out of it. I have decided long ago that it’s a waste of time.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” Alec agrees, “it’s actually a great approach.”

“It is.” Magnus agrees with a proud smile, “made it up myself.”

Then they both laugh, and Magnus can’t remember when he last felt this light without alcohol.

“At the risk of sounding like a dork…” Alec begins timidly, rubbing his knees, then goes on, fighting to keep his voice calm, “I used to be a huge fan as a teenager, wanted to be a musician just like you.”

“Used to?” Magnus questions with a raised eyebrow.

Alec’s eyes grow comically large as he starts to stutter, “no, shit, I… that’s not… I mean I-”

“That’s quite alright, I was only kidding.” Magnus cuts him off with a smile, saving him from his misery, “it’s always flattering to know I managed to inspire, especially a brilliant musician like yourself.”

“Yeah, well, there really aren’t many talented musicians out there, that make real music anymore.” Alec seems to have regained his composure as he explains.

“You guys are great too, an extremely gifted family.” Magnus diverts the conversation off himself, “when did you start playing as a band?”

“Well, we started about five years ago, but my mum wouldn’t let us tour or sign with a label yet, because Max was only 16.” Alec replies as Magnus watches him intently, he really is so beautiful, especially as he gets excited talking about music and his band, “she wanted us to wait until he was at least 18.”

“Smart women.” Magnus voices, trying to fight the envy that grows in his belly, because his father had forced him to start at 16 and his mother wasn’t around anymore to protest and save him from his father’s claws. “16 is way too young to start in this industry.”

Alec frowns and watches Magnus carefully, then dares to ask the obvious, “Isn’t that the age you started?”

“My point exactly.” Magnus asserts, “I was in the spotlight from such a young age, I could barely leave the house, and as a teen it’s even more jarring.”

“Yeah, I guess we are lucky to have been fairly normal, spotlight free, teenagers.” Alec agrees, with a small smile, “must have been harsh.”

“Well, I’ve been in the music industry for a very long time, my career has had many ups and downs, and it was hard to start so young…” Magnus starts, as he stares ahead in a sudden pensive daze, barely noticing as he continues, “but so far, I would say that despite cutting my teenage years short, those first few years were the best ones.”  _ because I still had my friends, because my head wasn’t in the clouds yet. _

Magnus snaps back to it when he hears Alec’s voice, suddenly realizing how much he spilled without meaning to, almost horrified, but Alec’s words calm him almost as soon as they are said, “yeah, I guess there is something so much more real in playing small pubs and bars, it can actually be much more rewarding than filling up stadiums.”

It’s not exactly what Magnus was talking about, but it doesn’t matter, because it helps.

And as they continue to talk and chat about nothing in particular, just a natural flow of words and topics, Magnus forgets about his craving.

**\---**

The closer they get to show time, the more anxious he gets.

Magnus had barely slept last night, despite having a huge suite with an enormous and comfortable bed, he couldn't bring himself to sleep, at least not peacefully. When he did finally manage to fall asleep, it was filled with unrest and bad dreams, which woke him quite a few times. 

He hadn’t performed in over a year, the last time he had, ended really badly. Magnus had spent this whole year thinking that he would never perform again, believing that he had lost his ability. It used to be his solace, his escape from reality. Being on stage used to be euphoric, and despite how much he misses it and yearns to be back on it, it is now his greatest fear.

But his father could be scarier than even that. 

Asmodeus usually sent one of his minions to babysit Magnus during concerts, he had never been big on showing up himself, only when it couldn’t be avoided in any way. And apparently, this was one of those days where it was absolutely necessary, because he had barged into Magnus’ dressing room backstage and threatened him to get on stage and not screw up.

Then he left, leaving Raphael on guard outside his dressing room. Luckily, Magnus had gotten creative in hiding his flask, and managed to sneak some in, but it wasn’t enough to numb.

He could hear the cheers of the huge crowd all the way there, he could probably hear it ten times louder than what it actually was.

Magnus is sitting under his dressing table, hugging his knees close to his chest and rocking himself back and forth, clutching his eyelids shut. He tried to take deep breaths, to calm himself down, but it just makes him choke even more, as a few tears spill down his cheeks, probably ruining his make up. 

“Empty spaces… What are we living for?” Magnus begins to sing, in a low and choked out voice, but he forces himself to continue, “Abandoned places… I guess we know the score.” Magnus chokes out a loud sob as he rocks himself even faster, “On and on… Does anybody know what we are looking for?”

Just then his dressing room door opens, but Magnus is too out of it to notice. He vaguely hears someone calling his name, and footsteps rushing to him, but he is stuck in his bubble, as he continues to sing, hoping it will soothe him, “Another hero… Another mindless crime…”

He can feel soft hands on his cheeks, thumbs stroking away his tears, “Magnus, I’m here.” the voice promises, “I’m here, you’re okay.”

Then strong arms wrap around him, a warm and firm body that rocks with him, as one hand presses on his chest to help him breathe. Then a beautiful angelic voice, singing with him when he continues, “Behind the curtain… In the pantomime…”

Magnus finally manages to open his eyes and finds Alec holding him, looking back down at him, as the younger man sings to him the next words, “Hold the line… Does anybody want to take it anymore?” And then his heart rate is slowing even more and he is feeling surprisingly calm.

They stay like that for a few more silent moments, then Magnus forces himself to regain his composure and get up. Alec is quick to help him, and looks like he is about to say something, so Magnus cuts him to it, “I’m sorry about that.” he says as lightly as he can in his state, “I don’t know what came over me, probably the nerves from not performing for so long.”

“Well, I saw your father walk off before and he looked pissed...” Alec explains with a haunted look in his eyes, the normal effect his father has on people, “so I wanted to come make sure you’re okay.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I’m used to him.” Magnus says lamely, “don’t worry about it.”

“Look, if you need to talk or something…”

“I don’t.” Magnus insists quickly, “I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine.”

“It’s just, I-”

“Alexander, please.” Magnus cuts him off a little too harshly, “you need to get on stage, and I need to fix my makeup.”

So reluctantly, Alec agrees and leaves him to fix his makeup.

Then, Magnus retrieves his joint from deep in his bag and smokes it out the window. He usually prefers alcohol, but he will take what he can get.

**\---**

Magnus walks out of his dressing room and into the hall leading to the stage. He can hear the Lightwoods finish up their last song, as he makes his way with Raphael at his side. He knows that his bodyguard is watching him suspiciously, but he doesn’t care.

He finally feels light and at ease.

Alec is talking into his mic, it takes him a moment to register that he is presenting him and calling his name on stage.

The last time Magnus walked out on stage, over a year ago, was the first and only time in his whole career that he ever freaked out during a show. And even then, his freak out had nothing to do with performing, he had always adored being on stage. 

So as he walks out now and sees the sea of fans cheering for him, he thinks of all the good shows, focusing on how much he loved this. When he arrives at center stage, instead of feeling the dread and terror, Magnus feels elated, the same euphoric feeling he used to get. 

And as they start playing the first song they are singing together, Magnus loses himself to the music, to his dancing, so much so that he almost forgets about the Lightwoods that are on stage with him.

Alec’s voice, as he thanks the fans after they finish their second song together, wakes a few of Magnus’ dazed brain cells, enough so he can talk to the crowd when Alec is done, “how about a big round of applause for the Shadowhunters!” he calls into his mic and the fans go wild.

Then once Alec is off the stage, “How are y'all doing tonight, Seattle?” he hears himself distantly shouting into the mic, the crowd cheers some more and Magnus responds as the first notes of his next song begin, “it’s good to be back.”

And then he is singing and dancing again, and it may be the alcohol, or the weed, but at the moment, Magnus couldn’t really care less, because he got his place back, the only place he ever felt whole.

This was always his favorite part of his career, basically the only thing he really loved besides the fan. His issues and problems with this life concern all the other shit that comes along with it.

And he completely devotes himself to it, loses himself in it. At the end of the last song, during the encore, he even does his iconic jump off the amp on the front of the stage. It is epic.

He is on his way to his limo, when Alec catches up to him, “Magnus!” he calls after him, and Magnus and Raphael turn to find him running towards him, “can I talk with you a moment?” he asks, then eyes Raphael, “alone?”

Raphael rolls his eyes, but takes a few steps away without a word, leaning on the limo as he waits. Magnus looks up at Alec questioningly, “what is it?” he asks, still a little dazed and high.

Alec gives him a strange look, as if examining him, “I just… I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” he tells him in a low voice, filled with concern.

Magnus laughs lightly and waves his hand in the air, “Of course I am, didn’t you see me out there?” he reassures enthusiastically, “what happened before was just a small hiccup, no harm done.”

But Alec looks unconvinced, “Magnus, that was more than just a hiccup, you had a panic attack.” he presses firmly, clearly worried, but Magnus did not appreciate the overstepping.

“Look, I’m grateful for all your help and concern, but I’d prefer if you stayed out of it.” Magnus says as calmly as he can.

“Magnus, I can’t just -” Alec begins to protest, but Magnus cuts him off, no longer patient.

“Alexander, this is my life, please stay out of it.” he snaps, then just turns and walks away.

Raphael is already holding the limo door open for him, so he jumps straight in and doesn’t look back.

**\---**

Magnus arrives back at his hotel room exhausted. He sheds his clothes, scattering them carelessly on the floor, then walks into the luxurious bathroom. The musician catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror despite all his efforts not to. Then he can’t look away.

The changes weren’t extremely noticeable, but they were prominent enough to be seen by anyone who was really looking. The muscle mass was still there, but not as prominent as it used to be a year ago, when his father literally forced him to work out and drink protein shakes.

He was pale, and when he removed his makeup, there were dark circles. He had lost quite a bit of weight. The most obvious were his cheekbones and jawline that were sharper than usual, but when he wore clothes no one else could see the ribs, or hip bones or his shoulder blades.

Eventually he manages to force himself to look away and jump in the shower. He turns the water to boiling and scrubs his skin with a lufa sponge until it is raw and red. When he gets out, he avoids the mirror at all costs, glad that it has all fogged up, and rushes out of the bathroom.

He stares at the huge room for another long moment, the silence almost deafening him. After getting dressed and searching through the empty mini bar - as per his father’s request of course - he curls up on the couch and mindlessly surfs through the channels.

When he looks up at the clock, it is 1am. Magnus turns the TV off and puts on his shoes, beanie hat and jacket, Raphael is sure to have gone to sleep already. When he peaks out carefully into the hall, he is glad to discover he is right.

As he walks through the corridor towards the elevator, he passes by the suite he knows the Lightwoods are sharing, and is surprised to hear the noises validating that they are also still awake.

Magnus freezes for a moment, listening to the laughter and loud voices ringing through the closed door. For a brief moment he actually considers knocking, but he quickly shakes it away and rushes towards the elevator.When the elevator doors close behind him, he wipes away the treacherous tears that escaped without noticing.

What a cruel joke, it’s almost as if his father planned it… thinking about it, he probably did. Sending him on tour with a band that represents everything he doesn’t have - family, friends, love… a life worth living sober. He forces his mind to shut off, to think of anything else so he can survive the short span of time that stands between him and his alcohol.

When Magnus arrives at the lobby, he rushes to the front desk and pays the clerk handsomely to go out and buy him enough alcohol to last him at least a week. Then he goes back up to his suite and drinks himself to oblivion, then to sleep.

**\---**

The following morning, Magnus wakes up to banging on the door. He grunts and moans when the banging doesn’t stop, which only intensifies his raging headache.

He tries to peel himself off the couch, where he blacked out a few hours earlier, but is unsuccessful. Then suddenly there’s a click and the door opens ajar and Raphael’s voice calls out, “hope you’re dressed, because I’m coming in.” Raphael then walks in, followed by a waiter with a cart of food and coffee.

If Magnus was less out of it, perhaps he would dwell more on the fact that his bodyguard had acquired a key to his suite without his knowledge, and allows himself to just come in as he pleases.

“Good morning.” Raphael greets as he and the waiter walk over to him, then when the waiter is out, he points at the food, “sit, eat.” he orders.

“I’m not hungry.” Magnus mumbles, then tries to bury himself deeper into the couch. But Raphael is quicker, and manages to stop him and drag him to a sitting position, adjusting the tray accordingly.

“I don’t care.” he snaps, “now, eat.”

Magnus pours himself a steaming cup of black coffee and enjoys it as it burns down his throat and spreads through his body. When Raphael keeps good on his threat, and doesn’t leave him be, Magnus is also forced to take a few bite of toast and eggs, forcing himself to keep it down.

When they’re done eating and packing, they make their way downstairs where three tour buses are parked outside the hotel. Fans and paparazzi's are being blocked off by barriers and guards, as Raphael leads him out of the hotel. Magnus can see the Lightwoods loading their stuff on to the bus furthest from his, and his band loading the middle one.

Magnus takes a deep breath and braces himself, then makes his way to the fans. He’s always made it a point to go over and sign some autographs, take some pictures, despite his little phobia of being ambushed. His fans are worth it.

When he’s done, Magnus steps onto the bus with his small carry on suitcase, Raphael doesn't follow. Magnus turns to him, confused, “are you not coming?” he asks.

“I am.” Raphael replies dryly, “I’m going in with Cat and the band, but don’t worry, your driver is also trained.”

“Oh.” Magnus says shortly, trying to mask his disappointment, which he doesn’t even know why he feels, this shouldn’t surprise him or bother him. “Okay then, enjoy the ride.”

With that he walks deeper into the bus, leaving Raphael to make his way to the second bus. Of course Raphael would rather go with them, they are actually still his friends. Magnus may have been the one to introduce them all, but Raphael quickly fit into their family that consisted of Magnus, Cat, Tessa, Will and Jem. Along with Ragnor, they all became close friends.

Magnus misses those days, where they all liked him and got along, but they were just a distant memory now. He looks around at the empty bus, as the driver ignites the engine, it’s just as big and just as silent as his suite.

Shaking himself out of his dark thoughts, Magnus opens his carry on and pulls out a bottle of Gin. 

It’s only three hours to Portland, how bad can it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, what a chapter. it was long and taxing to write and edit, but in good ways. so I really hope you liked reading it.
> 
> poor Magnus, my heart really clenches for him... but at least the show went well and he got back his flare for performing. but if that's not the issue, than what is? hmm... we shall wait and see.
> 
> until next time!


	4. and we danced on into the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for reasons he cannot explain nor understand, Alec feels the urge to be there for Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so this chapter also got a little longer than I expected, and was a real nightmare to edit. I dunno, I just kept having too many doubts and couldn't stop second guessing myself. it was just one huge struggle, and I'm still not 100% with it, but there's a limit to how much I can edit this without going stir-crazy. I think the only thing I'm ever 100% sure of, are the chapter titles... 😅🤓
> 
> so hopefully it came out decent at least and you all enjoy it anyway.
> 
> thank you all for all the lovely comments and the kudo's, they never fail to warm my heart and make me grin like a dork. please let me know your thought about this chapter...

When they arrive in Portland, all three buses park outside the Moda Center, where they will be performing tonight's concert. Of course there is a sea of fans and paparazzi once again, calling and screaming their names - but mainly Magnus’. As he watches the cameras flashing, Alec can’t help but wonder how anyone could live like this.

The Shadowhunters were gaining even more fame and popularity, yes, but they were nowhere near the magnitude Magnus is, and probably never will be. Not many celebrities get that kind of constant attention. The tour had only just begun, but it’s all Alec needs to see the swamping Magnus gets, and Alec finds himself thinking about the conversation they had on the plane, because Magnus had to endure this since he was 16, and from what he knows about the rockstar’s career, it only got worse through the years, his life more and more on display.

Magnus had yet to exit his bus, and Alec can’t help but watch the bus for any movements, there are none. He then watches the second bus, examining the dynamics, as Magnus’ crew get off their bus. He doesn’t know why it affects him so much, but something in Alec’s heart stings a bit. 

As a teen, Alec was a huge fan of Magnus’, and he would never admit it out loud (especially not near Max), but he may have even had a small crush on him. With time, he got over it and moved on, stopped following him on the media, especially when it became more apparent how much of a rich snob he had become.

Before he stopped though, there were quite a few years when Alec followed, watched and read everything that had to do with the great Magnus Bane. and in most of it, Magnus talks about his band like his family, in some of the interviews he was even joined by his band and you could see how close they were. At one point Magnus even filmed a small mini film about his life, where he spoke about everything, basically like a ‘tell-all’, there was rare footage of moments behind the scenes and such. In the footage from the early days, his band mates (including his bodyguard and hair/makeup artist) were his family, a few of them even grew up together all their lives.

But when Magnus won his first Golden Globe, which was his first major award, he had become the hottest musician out there, popular in the whole world, and all the footage from the years after that, were completely different from the earlier one’s. Alec’s interest slowly dissipated as Magnus’ new found popularity got too much to his head. But his band was still with him, so Alec always assumed that he couldn’t be that bad.

But what is strange now, is that in the short time since they started the tour, Magnus and his band don’t seem to interact much, if at all. In fact, Alec noticed that all traces of friendship between them were now gone. Which begs the thought if they were ever even friends to begin with, let alone family. Was it all a ruse or did they stop being friends?

His wonders of what could have happened to tear them apart, get cut off by Jace, “Alec! Stop daydreaming and come help us.” he demands impatiently, as he unloads their bags. Alec quickly looks up at his family and feels lucky, despite the heatless anger in Jace’s voice.

As they unload the bus, Alec keeps half an eye on the other buses, and can’t stop the worry that builds in the pit of his stomach when Magnus has yet to show any signs of life. He doesn’t know why he feels such concerns towards Magnus, but he can't stop it as it overwhelms him a bit. Maybe it has to do with the conversation they had, which completely overthrew him, because as they spoke, Magnus showed a side of himself that contradicts everything he has become due to the fame.

Not to mention the drinking and the very obvious fact that Magnus did not want to be on this tour. Mixed together with everything that happened to him last year, and the fact that it is just so strange that he disappeared then came back out of the blue, it’s just too confusing. Magnus Bane is an enigma which Alec is suddenly dying to figure out.

As crew members begin to load their bags and equipment on their carts, Magnus finally emerges from the bus, wearing huge dark sunglasses and a baseball cap. Alec belatedly notices the sigh of relief that escapes his lips. Alec watches Magnus closely as he drags his body towards Raphael, who leads him towards the entrance of the building. The fans and paparazzi go wild, swarming towards him, making it even more difficult for him to enter the arena. Alec can’t see his eyes, but he can tell by his body language, that Magnus is drained and a bit out of it. The musician stops to take pictures with fans and sign a few autographs anyway, as people all around him continue touching and pulling him, trying to get hold of his attention.

After a short while Magnus leans over towards his bodyguard and whispers something inaudible into his ear. Seconds later, Raphael grabs hold of Magnus’ shoulders and pulls him into the Moda Center. By the time Alec and his siblings make it inside, they are no longer anywhere in sight.

When they arrive in the corridor where their dressing rooms are, Alec see’s Raphael pacing outside Magnus’ room, speaking quietly on the phone. And before he can stop himself, the singer finds himself making his way to him. “Okay, no problem, sir.” Raphael says into the phone as Alec approaches, then hangs up. “What do you want Lightwood?” he asks him impatiently.

“Hi, I was just wondering if Magnus is okay?” Alec asks quietly, he can see from the corner of his eye, as his siblings watch him curiously for a moment, then walk into their dressing room.

Raphael watches him carefully for another moment, then asks, “what is it to you?”

“It’s just, he seemed a bit stressed before, downstairs.” Alec explains, “I just wanted to make sure he’s fine.”

“Of course he is, Magnus is just being his usual over dramatic self.” Raphael mutters, rolling his eyes. “Look, I need to go take care of a few things for the boss, if you’d like you can go see for yourself.” And with that, the bodyguard abandons his post and walks down the corridor and disappears around the corner. Alec watches him as he leaves, then turns to Magnus’ dressing room door and knocks, there’s no answer, so he knocks again. “Raphael, I told you to leave me alone!” Magnus’ voice comes from the other side of the door.

Alec pauses and hesitates for a moment, then, “It’s Alec.” he tells him softly, but loudly enough to hear.

There is a pause, then Magnus’ voice sounds again, “I told you as well, stay out of my life.” it sounded like Magnus was trying to sound harsh and strong, but even so, his voice was shaking ever so slightly.

Alec struggled with himself for a moment, contemplating the right thing to do. When he comes to his decision, he knocks on the door again. “I know something’s wrong,” he says softly, but adamantly, “and I can’t in good conscience leave you alone.”

“You know nothing.” Magnus insists, “please, just go.”

“No.” Alec replies firmly.

Seconds later the door opens abruptly and Magnus appears from behind it, “why can’t you just let me be?” he snaps, as Alec looks him over. His eyes are bloodshot, dark circles under them, despite his makeup. His whole body is trembling and it seems like he’s struggling for breath.

“Because it seems like you’re hurting.” Alec says softly as Magnus eyes him, then turns to walk back into his dressing room, leaving the door opened. Alec walks in after him, closing the door behind them, “and I think you could use someone who actually cares.”

“Oh, and you care?” Magnus snorts, turning to him again.

“Yes, I do.”

“Why?” Alec watches as a genuine confusion takes over Magnus as he spoke, as if he truly didn’t understand Alec’s intentions, he even sounded a bit suspicious, “why in the world would you care?”

Alec struggles to find an explanation as he watches Magnus, opening and closing his mouth a few times as he searches for the right words to describe the feelings he had, that even he couldn’t understand. “I don’t know.” he finally says, “I can’t explain it, I just do.”

Magnus snorts again and folds his arms, “I don’t think your boyfriend will appreciate it too much.” he says in defiance, looking away.

Alec looks surprised for a short moment, but then remembers that he is no longer anonymous, “I’m allowed to have friends I care about.” he says, not quite understanding the connection to the fact that he is not single, “Andrew understands that.”

Magnus takes a deep breath, then looks back at him, “I’ve managed so far on my own, I think I can continue without your help.” he says stubbornly, even as he continues to struggle to breathe, clearly managing nothing on his own.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t look like it.” Alec says determinedly, daring to take a step closer, and a small whimper - involuntarily probably - escapes Magnus’ lips, “I think you could use a friend, and I’d like to be here for you.”

Magnus closes his eyes and bites his bottom lip, Alec can tell that he is struggling against himself. Then a small choked sound escapes Magnus’ lips, followed by a sob that completely tears at Alec’s heartstrings. The younger man steps forward and wraps his arms around Magnus’ small frame, he feels so tiny and fragile in his embrace. Alec can feel the warm tears soak the fabric of his shirt, but he doesn’t care, just holds him tighter as the rock star trembles. 

They don’t pull apart until a long while later, when Magnus has finally managed to calm down and stop crying. “I’m so sorry about that.” He whispers, his head bowed, “I didn’t mean to completely break.”

“It’s okay, I want to be here for you.” Alec says, causing Magnus to look up at him and smile weakly.

“Thank you.” Magnus says in a small voice, “I just… I got so overwhelmed, I’ve never been good in crowds like that, and since… well, it’s been a while, and it seems to be a bit worse.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” Alec tells him, handing him a washcloth.

Magnus wipes his face, then looks back at Alec, “but I want to.” he says honestly, “I trust you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

Alec smiles warmly at him, “I trust you too.” he says, then hesitates for a moment on his next question, but asks anyway, “do you get them often?”

To his surprise, Magnus doesn’t shut him out or shout at him, just calmly affirms,“The panic attacks?” he asks, then when Alec nods, he goes on, “it started a few years ago when the ambushing got worse, now it just feels more intense cuz it’s been a while since I’ve actually left the house.”

Alec knows not to suggest methods of coping and dealing, he doesn’t insist he see a professional, just simply offers, “well, if you ever need to talk or anything…” he trails off as Magnus smiles gratefully at him, understanding without needing the sentence to be finished. 

he silence is broken by Alec’s phone, he looks down at it, then back up at Magnus, “I should get going, but will you be okay to perform tonight?”

“Yeah, it’s strange, but last night, when I was performing, it… it was amazing.” Magnus explains, “It was like it used to be, my own little safe haven.”

“Good I’m glad to hear that.” Alec says with a smile, and before he can overthink it, he adds, “performing is the best kind of therapy.” 

Magnus tilts his head to the side with what can only be described as an adorable pensive look, then with a thoughtful hum he replies, “that is actually very accurate.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Alec agrees proudly, then starts walking towards the door, “well, see you out there then.”

When he has his hand on the handle, Alec stops then turns back to look at Magnus, “Hey, if you’d like some company, I could join you on your bus tonight.” he suggests, trying to keep his voice as casual and calm as possible.

Truth be told, he was a little scared to let Magnus do this night drive alone. Three hours is one thing, but nine hours alone in a bus… it would be hard and lonely for anyone, especially in Magnus’ state. Magnus smiles softly and crosses his arms, “so you want to come babysit me?” he questions and folds his arms, looking amused.

Alec rubs the back of his neck then shrugs, “I wouldn’t call it that.” he counters sheepishly, “I just want to come and keep you company.”

“It’s a night drive, after a tiring show.” Magnus states matter of factly, “we’ll just be sleeping, I think I will be fine, but thank you for the offer.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I can always get Raphael to ride with me, if need be.” Magnus tries to insure him, but Alec is not convinced, especially with that fake smile again, but before he can protest any further, “I assure you, Alexander, no need to worry about me.” Somehow, that only convinces Alec even more, that he does need to worry. But as much as he disagrees, he decides to respect Magnus’ wishes.

**\---**

After the show, they take showers and clean up before heading out to their buses, stopping to meet some fans on the way. Alec watches as Raphael escorts Magnus to his bus, he tries not to be too obvious as he looks, trying to decide on the right course of action, because he has a strong gut feeling, and it is getting harder to ignore it. When Raphael walks away to the band’s bus, leaving Magnus alone by his bus, looking like a lost puppy, Alec turns to his own bus resolutely, walking up the steps to meet his family and friends.

“Hey guys,” he calls to get their attention, and continues when he does, “look, I think I’m going to join Magnus for this ride.”

“What? Are you crazy?” Jace, of course, is the first to speak up, “why would you even consider it?”

“I think it’s cool.” Max interjects before Alec can respond.

“Thank you Max.” Alec says softly, then turns to his annoying brother, “he’s lonely and it must suck to have to do this whole night ride alone.”

“Yeah, that sounds creepy.” Izzy agrees with a grimace, “I think it is very honorable of you, big brother.”

“I wouldn’t want to do it alone.” Clary speaks up too, “I mean, seems like he’s always alone, and that can’t be easy on anyone.”

“Even the great Magnus Bane.” Simon says in a deep voice, causing Alec to roll his eyes, as Izzy and Clary giggle.

“Well thanks, but I’m doing it because he’s my… friend, and I care about him.” Alec explains, but Jace is still not convinced.

“A very hot friend.” Max interjects again, smiling mischievously, but Alec chooses to elegantly ignore him.

“Alec, need I remind you that you have a boyfriend?” Jace also ignores Max, speaking to Alec with a warning tone.

“Seriously Jace?” Alec snaps, annoyed that it keeps coming up like this, “just because you can’t keep it in your pants, doesn’t mean that I can’t.”

“It’s not you I’m worried about, It’s him.” Jace explains, trying to keep his cool, “he’s a huge playboy.”

Alec rolls his eyes, then grabs a bag and starts filling it up, “whatever, I don’t have time for this.” he says as he packs his bag, “I can hang out with a hot friend without cheating on my boyfriend.”

“So you admit he’s hot?” Max asks, with a suggestive wink and raise of one eyebrow.

“Oh, just shut up.” Alec snaps again, but not unkindly, closing his bag up, “all of you.” Then he walks off the bus before they can say anything else, and walks over to Magnus’ bus.

Magnus is still sitting on the stairs at the entrance of the bus when Alec walks up to him, he looks sad and lonely as he takes a sip from his flask, not yet noticing Alec. “Hey, I was hoping to get a ride to Sacramento.” Alec exclaims, hoping to cheer him up. Magnus looks up and smiles softly.

“Alec, you don’t ha-” he begins, but Alec cuts him off, taking a step closer.

“I want to.” he insists with a small smile, “it’s getting too noisy on our bus anyway.”

Magnus smiles, then stands and gestures him forward onto the bus, “well then, let's get going.” he says.

  
  


Alec thanks him, as Magnus hands him a glass of gin and tonic, “it’s my favorite.” he says.

“Mine too.” Magnus agree’s, then tips his glass to clink with Alec’s, who does the same, “to our new friendship.”

Alec smiles, “yeah, to us.” he says, then they both take a sip.

“I actually wanted to thank you for your help.” Magnus says suddenly, as they sit on the couch, “I know I tried to push you away, but you still cared, and it’s… well, it’s been a while, and I really appreciate it.”

“I’m just glad I could help.” Alec says, smiling softly, “everyone deserves a friend they can lean on.”

“Andrew is very lucky.” Magnus says suddenly, and Alec is taken aback by the sudden change of subject.

“Yeah, I guess.” he agrees slowly, “I mean, I feel lucky too, he’s great.”

Magnus nods and takes a sip of his G&T, “I’ve never met him personally, but I’ve seen and heard his work, he’s talented.” Magnus says, an odd edge to his tone, “you guys also look adorable together.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Alec says, still a little confused.

“How did you meet?”

“We’ve actually known each other for years,” Alec explains, staring into his glass with a warm nostalgic smile, “we met in high-school and started dating in our Junior year, when we graduated he went off to model and we broke up, a couple of years later we met again at the record company, and we’ve been together since, so going on two years now.”

“Wow, high school sweethearts to Hollywood's golden couple.” Magnus says with a smile, something about his tone was a little strange, “that’s impressive.”

“Well, I would hardly call us a golden couple, but-” Alec begin’s, but Magnus cuts him off.

“I guess it really isn’t such a good thing anyway.” he says, staring into his drink, looking distant, “I mean, I should know.” Magnus snorts, as Alec’s rakes his brain desperately for something to say, “or maybe it’s just me.” Magnus beats him to it.

“No, don’t say that. It’s not you.” Alec cuts in quickly, “if anything, it was her.”

“That’s sweet of you to say, but you don’t really know me.” Magnus retorts, looking at him sadly, “I’m sorry, I didn't mean to bring the mood down.”

“Don’t be, it seems like you need to talk about it.” Alec insists, giving him a soft squeeze on his arm, “and I’d like us to get to know each other.”

“There’s not much to talk about, it was all over the tabloids.” Magnus says sarcastically, in an over-the-top tone that Alec didn’t like, “I’m sure you’ve seen and read all about it, and about me.”

“Not in recent years, but I used to follow you a lot, back in the day.” Alec blurts out without thinking, and when Magnus chuckles, his eyes grow comically large as he quickly adds, “shit, not in a creepy way or anything.”

“It’s okay, I guess I’m hard to avoid.” Magnus shrugs with a small smile, then takes a long gulp of his drink, finishing it off, “I need another.” he announces as he gets up, “want a refill?”

Alec shakes his head, holding up his still almost full glass, “I don’t believe everything I see in the tabloids.” Alec tells him in lieu of an answer, “and somehow I highly doubt that anyone has tried to talk to you about it, and if your year long hiatus and anxiety attacks are any indications, it seems like you need to talk.”

For a moment, Alec fears that he may have overstepped, but then Magnus sighs as he finishes to make his second drink, it seems like he was about to protest, but changes his mind at the last minute, “I guess you’re right.” he finally concedes, taking his seat by Alec, “it was terrible, having my heart broken so publicly, then my meltdown was broadcast to the world, it was… humiliating.”

“Break ups are always difficult.” Alec says gently, “and it’s ten times worse when the whole world witnesses it, but you’re amazing, and it seems like the fans are taking your side, I mean, the support they’ve been showing on social media, is incredible.”

Magnus smiles weakly and looks at Alec again, “yeah, my fans are the best part of this, all of it.” He agrees, “I never wanted to be famous, it was all my dad’s idea, and I just went along with it, because all I wanted to do was make him proud. Then I got addicted to it, and it was all downhill from there.”

“It’s hard not to lose yourself in this industry.” Alec says, then takes a sip from his drink, “and I’ve met your dad, sorry but he’s…”

“A dick?” Magnus finishes him off, noticing his struggle, “it’s okay, you can say it.”

They both laugh, then Alec says, “Maybe this tour can be a new slate for you, start over clean.”

“Yeah, I was hoping it would be, and returning to the stage has been incredible,” Magnus says, “but I’m just having a really hard time adjusting to the rest of it.”

“Is that the cause of your anxiety?”

“I guess, I can’t be sure.” Magnus tells him, pausing for a moment, “I’ve always struggled with the crowds and the loneliness, which is quite ironic if you think about it. I want to be alone when I’m swamped with people, but when I’m alone I… I struggle.”

“Well, if you ask me, being followed around by paparazzi and mobbed by fans, it’s not really considered having someone.” Alec counters, looking at Magnus, “and I’m sure it does get lonely, it’s why I like traveling with my band, they are quite literally my family.”

“Yeah, that must be nice.” Magnus says as he averts his eyes to his drink again, “my band doesn’t really like me all that much, even Raphael prefers to hang out with them.”

“Weren’t you all…” Alec begins, and yet again struggles with the words, not sure if he should be asking about this.

“Friends?” Magnus comes to his rescue, “yeah we were, but like I said, fame tends to be a slippery slope.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault.” Magnus waves him off, “but enough about me, how did the Lightwoods come to be more than just siblings?”

Alec shakes off the urge to insist on talking about Magnus, and proceeds by telling Magnus what he wants to know.

After that, they talk into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so there you have it, hopefully it wasn't terrible.  
> at least Alec is managing to slowly chip at Magnus' wall. you gotta love how much Alec cares about our precious Magnus, despite not knowing him all that long. bless his heart. and Magnus really could use a friend, right? 
> 
> what are your thoughts?
> 
> until next time, stay safe!


	5. of tall, blonde and handsome men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the Lightwoon & co. clan get a new visitor, and so does Magnus... sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for all the wonderful comments and kudo's, they truly warm my heart! I always have such a great time reading them, and they motivate me to go on writing more!
> 
> soooo... I have decided to just stop being surprised at how long these chapters get, because it's ridiculous. so hopefully you don't mind them longer. I would even like to think that you actually like them longer... right?
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: the last scene in this chapter contains a sexual encounter which is not 100% consensual. but it's not very descriptive and no one get's injured.
> 
> so without further ado, here is chapter 5!

As the first morning light blinds him awake, Magnus slowly registers the strong arms wrapped around him. Which is strange, because he cannot remember inviting anyone back with him to the bus, let alone his bed, not that it would be a first...

His eyes snap open when he feels a nose sniffing at his nape, breathing him in, then a pair of soft lips nibbling at his skin there. And if he wasn’t so taken aback by it all, he would probably sink into it and let out soft moans, because damn it felt so good. One of the strong arms that he is wrapped in, slowly finds its way up his side and down his stomach, then just as it is about to go lower, Magnus pulls away abruptly, causing himself to fall off the couch and onto the bus floor in a loud thud.

He looks up with shocked eyes, at an equally shocked and horrified Alec. “Shit, Magnus, I’m so sorry.” Alec says quickly, stumbling to get up, “I was so out of it, and I sort of forgot where I was, can we just.. Let’s just forget this ever happened, okay?”

Magnus is too dumb strucked to say anything, so he just hums and nods his head, as Alec rushes to put on his shoes and grab his bag, watching his frantic movement.

“I’m sorry too, by the way.” Magnus says, finally managing to find his voice, “I didn’t mean for us to fall asleep like that.”

Alec shrugs him off as he looks out the window, Magnus follows his gaze, and sees that they have arrived in Sacramento along with the other two busses. “It’s not your fault.” Alec says in a rush, and doesn’t sound very convincing, “so don’t worry about it.”

Then he scrambles his way to the bus door, “would you like to go get a coffee before you rush off?” Magnus finds himself asking suddenly, before Alec could disappear.

But Alec doesn’t even look at him as he presses the button to open the bus door and says, “I’m sorry, I should get back to my siblings, they must be worried and we have a long day ahead of us.”

Magnus doesn’t even mention that they actually have the day off today, and he ignores the pang in his stomach as Alec runs off to his own bus, leaving him all alone yet again. This was a record even for him, he usually didn’t manage to screw up this much this fast.

“Fuck.” he whispers into the empty bus, then gets up in search of more alcohol.

**\---**

By the time Raphael comes to get him, which is not much later, Magnus’ head is happily buzzing, helping him forget for just another moment who and what he is.

“Have you even eaten yet?” his bodyguard asks him, then before Magnus can reply he goes on, “never mind, stupid question.” Raphael walks over to him and helps him up, “come on, let’s get you checked in and fed.” he says as they walk off the bus, Magnus leaning heavily on him.

“I’m not hungry.” Magnus complains, uncaring of how whiny he sounds, trying to pull himself out of Raphael’s grip, but the grip is strong and doesn’t budge. Or perhaps Magnus is too weak to actually get out of it.

“Sure you’re not.” is the sarcastic reply he receives, along with another classic eye-roll, “too bad I wasn’t asking.”

“Oh, as if you actually care.” Magnus mocks, “as if any of you care, as long as I make another hit song and your bank accounts get filled.”

“Stop being so dramatic.” Raphael says dryly, after all, it’s not the first meltdown he’s witnessed, “and if you insist on having a melt down, at least wait until you’re out of the prying eyes of the paparazzi.”

And with that, Magnus shuts his mouth and walks into the hotel, allowing Raphael to keep his grip on his arms throughout the checkin and all the way up to his suite.

When they walk into his suite and Raphael forces him to sit down and eat yet again, Magnus can’t stop the memories that overflow him so suddenly. How they met in middle school, where even then, Raphael would guard him. He used to protect him from all the bullies that picked on him, for being different, for being small and weak.

They became quick friends, the first genuine one Magnus ever had. Raphael was there for him when his mother left, and when his father was too drunk to care for him. And Magnus was there for Raphael when his father died and had to help his mother take care of his four other siblings.

They were there for each other throughout high-school, even when Magnus was forced to drop out to pursue a musical career. Magnus wasn’t yet too deep when Raphael started his own security agency, and was there to support him, even giving him his very first job.

But then he won his first award, then his second and third, and they just kept coming along with his fame and fortune, and his father pumping his head and navigating his whole life, controlling his every move and decision. Or in other words - in Ragnor’s words - he got a stick shoved so deep up his ass, he could no longer see straight. And back then, he couldn’t see past himself, past his own feelings, he got so angry at that, making it the last time he actually spoke to Ragnor. The first of his friends to stop liking him and leave his world.

Then, one by one they all left, Raphael being the second to last one. All of them, excluding Ragnor, had continued working with and for him, but it all started and ended with business now, nothing more than following through with a signed contract.

Raphael eventually notices him looking at him, giving him an annoyed expression and a deep frustrated sigh, “what?” he barks impatiently.

It's on the tip of his tongue, the words he had longed to get out. ‘ _ Get me out of here, of this.’ _ he wants to beg,  _ ‘I’m lost, help me.’  _ but as Raphael raises questioning eyebrows at him, he shakes his head and looks down at his plate, “nothing.” he says instead, picking at his food with his fork, “sorry, just zoned out for a minute there.”

“Whatever, I need to go deal with a few things, will you be okay?” he asks, his eyes glued to his phone. Magnus doesn’t even bother to attempt a reply, and Raphael doesn’t even wait for one as he walks out the door, the slamming noise echoing through the empty large room.

**\---**

Magnus spent the next few hours aimlessly flicking through the TV channels, sitting in his own private Jacuzzi, and of course, drinking. Eventually it all got too boring, too quiet and just plain out nerve racking. So he made his way down to the hotel’s bar, and was surprised to discover the Lightwood’s and co. occupying a large round table, laughing and drinking.

He freezes for a moment, wondering what his best course of action is, but before he can decide, someone else did for him, “Magnus!” a voice calls him, he looks up to see the youngest Lightwood waving at him, “come join us.”

Magnus looks over his shoulder, as if he could actually possibly be talking to someone else, he hesitates a moment longer, then the sister also speaks up, “come on!” she calls his way, “don’t be shy now.” So he hesitantly makes his way over and joins the group.

The singer tries to catch Alec’s eyes, to make sure he’s okay with this, but the eldest Lightwood keeps his gaze firmly on his beer and doesn’t even budge. So Magnus sighs and takes a seat between Max and Clary.

For a short moment they all stay silent, and Magnus can’t stop the thought that he interrupted, even though he was the one invited to sit with them. Then Max speaks up, and cuts the awkwardness, “So Magnus, what’s it like being back on the road?” he asks with enthusiasm of a fan.

Magnus smiles at him, then replies, “It’s actually… well, I love performing and being on stage, but the rest is just a bore.”

“Well, by us it is always noisy.” Simon interjects with excitement, “which is not surprising considering the amount of people on the bus.”

“Yes, I can imagine it can get quite... hectic.” Magnus says as he waves down the waiter.

“Actually it’s pretty awesome.” Simon counters enthusiastically, a huge grin on his face, “we talk, we play and we just hang out.”

“Why don’t you hang out with your band?” Max asks Magnus innocently, and Magnus wishes he had a drink in his hand for this.

“Max!” Alec finally speaks up, scolding his little brother, giving him a warning look.

Magnus tries to catch his eyes again, but Alec still won’t budge, so he sighs and says, “It’s quite alright, Alexander.”

“So what happened?” Jace asks, surprising everyone. He folds his arms and raises an inquisitive eyebrow. Magnus can tell it is more of a need to make him feel uncomfortable than actual curiosity and interest.

But he responds anyway, “we used to ride together, at the very beginning of my career.” he tells them with a distant longing gaze, and a small nostalgic smile, “but then it got… well, things happened and a lot changed, and well, here we are today.”

The awkward silence that follows is so uncomfortable, Magnus almost gets up and kisses the waiter when he arrives. “Gin and Tonic, please.” he begs, almost desperately.

After that it actually gets better, and the conversations flow in positive directions, especially with the drinks that keep coming. Alec continues to ignore him, and Jace was no longer acknowledging his existence, but other than that, the rest of the clan kept asking him questions, and listening to his stories and sharing some of their own. At the end of the evening they all insist that he goes out with them after the show the following day, and Magnus is given no choice but to agree.

Then, before he could disappear, Magnus stops Alec by grabbing his arm, which earns him an annoyed look and an angry, “what?”

“Sorry, I just, I wanted to apologize again for last night.” Magnus says quietly, already regretting this conversation, he should have just let him be, “I just, I don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“Magnus, everything is fine.” Alec promises, though it just seems empty, “don’t worry about it.” Magnus lets him go and doesn’t say another word as Alec turns and leaves.

**\---**

The next day Magnus walks out on stage at the Golden 1 Center, he is by no means sober, but he had significantly less to drink before, so he takes it as a win, as small as may be. Usually as they sing their two songs together, Alec dances with him a bit around the stage, sings with him into the same mic, but this time he is barely acknowledging his presence. Magnus tries, but to no avail.

Then he is left alone on stage with his band, who also don’t really pay attention to him. Years ago, when they were just starting out as his band, they used to have so much fun dancing and jumping around the stage together. Jem used to jump off the amps with him and Will would sing into the mic with him.

But his fans deserve the best, and the show must go on, so Magnus takes a large sip out of his backup gin, disguised as water in a bottle, and goes on to give his fans the best performance he can, ending of course, with his iconic jump off the amp.

**\---**

After the show is over, they all get ready and go out as planned. Although, Magnus tried to get out of it, thinking it was for the best to keep away from Alec and give him the space he clearly needs. But Izzy and Max manage to catch him, despite his best efforts to sneak out and away, then they drag him along to a local dance club.

They get set up at the VIP area, with their own private booth and bar. Magnus makes sure to sit as far away from Alec as possible and ends up deep in conversation with Clary. They’re both pretty drunk, so it’s nothing deep, just fun and pointless chit chat, quickly joined by Izzy and Simon as well. Even his band mates, Cat and Raphael were invited, apparently they have been hanging out sometimes with the Lightwoods and co. and have grown close without Magnus noticing. It is strange watching them all mix together now at the bar.

Eventually, Magnus notices Alec sitting alone by the bar, so before he can change his mind, he walks over and sits next to him. “Look, I know what happened put you in an awkward situation, but you shunning me out like this is not fair.” he spits out quickly, before he can really think about it.

Alec looks up from his beer and watches him as he talks, then sighs and rubs his eyes, “You’re right.” he concedes, “I freaked out and took it out on you, and I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry”.

Magnus smiles brightly at that, “you’re forgiven.” he announces, not even bothering to make Alec work harder for it, “can we please go back to being friends now?”.

Alec smiles and nods, “yeah, of course.” he says, “I would like that.” After that they get lost in an easy and light conversation jumping between nonsense and different topics, and before they know it, it’s two hours later and everyone is heading back to the hotel. “I guess we should head back too.” Alec says as he gets up, Magnus hesitates for a minute longer, but also gets up a moment later.

As they walk back to the hotel, with their bodyguards in toe, they mainly stay silent, until they’re at the entrance of the hotel, and walk through the front doors. Everyone else has already gone up the elevator, and they wait for the next one. “Hey, I was wondering…” Magnus begins as they wait, feeling hesitant.

Alec turns to him with a small lopsided smile, “yeah?” he asks.

“I was wondering if you would like to join me on my bus tomorrow?” he asks as the elevator doors open, and they walk in, “for the drive to Santa Clara.”

Alec is now the one hesitating as the doors close and they begin their ascend, he takes a deep breath and stares ahead of him, “look, I had a great time last time, but I think it’s best if I go on my own bus.” he says, glimpsing at Magnus who is nervously fidgeting with his hands as he stares at the floor.

“Oh.” is Magnus’ first automatic response, “Yeah, no, that’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to-”

“It’s okay, Alexander.” Magnus cuts him off quickly, praying silently to reach their floor already, “I get it, perhaps a different time.” Alec looks at him in remorse, and is about to say something, when the elevator pings and the door opens. Even though he was cut off, Magnus knows that there probably won’t be a different time, even as he said it he knew. Perhaps it was wishful thinking on his part, or just a slip of his nervous tongue. “Well, goodnight then.” Magnus says in a rush, and without waiting for a response, rushes down the hall to his suite.

**\---**

The bus ride the following day and the show in Santa Clara pass by in a drunken blur, and thankfully no one else seems to notice, or at least care enough to say something about it. Raphael comes and goes, every so often shoving some food down his throat, which usually ends up down the toilet anyway. Other times Raphael just sends one of his goons to babysit Magnus, but none of them ever seem to really notice him.

It’s the day after the show in Santa Clara, when they arrive at Los Angeles, that Magnus truly realizes just how screwed he is. As he walks off his bus with his usual baseball cap and huge sunglasses, he pauses for a moment when he realises there is a new member in the Lightwood & co. clan. He watches for a short moment how the newcomer wraps a strong arm around Alec and holds him close, then tries to turn and walk away, desperately shoving down the pangs that attack his stomach. But of course, he isn’t that lucky, and nothing ever comes that easy, so it isn’t too surprising when Magnus hears his name being called just as he turns away. He closes his eyes for a brief moment and takes a deep breath, then turns back around and plasters on his face his iconic Magnus Bane smile. “Magnus!” Izzy calls again, waving him over, “come over here!” So trying his mightiest to not let his reluctance show, Magnus makes his way over to them. “Andrew, I’m sure you’ve heard of the infamous Magnus Bane.” Izzy introduces him as he reaches them, “Magnus, this is Andrew Underhill, Alec’s boyfriend.”

Andrew is blonde and beautiful, he is tall and muscular, and watching him with Alec may twist Magnus’ stomach, but he can’t deny that they look so good together. Not to mention how un-screwed up Andrew seems, probably never even killed a fly.  _ ‘And you actually thought you had any chance? Look how well they fit together.’  _ his mind supplies, unhelpfully, but painfully true. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” Andrew says kindly, outstretching his hand, his other still around Alec’s waist, “your reputation precedes you.”

Magnus tries not to take it as the sucker punch it feels like, or at least to not show the hits impact, and keeps his smile without falter, as he reaches out to shake Andrew’s hand, “It’s nice to meet you too.” he says in the sweetest tone he can muster, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Only good stuff I hope.” Andrew says with a smile, as he turns his head to look at his boyfriend, squeezing his waist.

Magnus fights against the need to clench his fists and keeps his smile in place, “of course.” he says through gritted teeth.

“Andrew was in LA for a magazine shoot.” Max supplies helpfully, “he’s actually joining us for the next three shows.”  _ ooh goody. _

Magnus has no good reason to feel this way, nothing to actually justify the tightness he feels all over and the strong need to unlatch Andrew’s hand from Alec’s body. Andrew is his boyfriend, and has known him for much longer than Magnus has. Not to mention that Magnus is only Alec’s friend, nothing more. “Oh, great.” he gritts out, wishing he was already up in his room, drowning in gin.

**\---**

Just as promised, Andrew joins them for the next three shows - Los Angeles, Pasadena and San Diego. During those four days and three shows, Alec had barely even looked at him, and every time he did, Andrew was always nearby, usually attached to his hip, lips or both. It was during the second show at the Rose Bowl, a few minutes before Magnus was due on stage, that Andrew had first spoken to him when they were alone backstage. Up until that moment, they had only spoken in a group forum, and never anything more than small pleasantries. Andrew stands beside him as he prepares to get on stage, “Alec and the rest may buy that little fake show you put on, but I don’t.” he says bluntly, catching Magnus completely off guard. They may not have spoken much, but the few times they did, Andrew was always nice and polite towards him.

Magnus turns his head towards the model, and scans his smug face, “what?” he asks dumbly, utterly bewildered by this plot twist.

“I see through that stupid drunken act of yours.” Andrew says gesturing with his hand towards Magnus, the action matching his tone and expression in it’s contempt towards Magnus, “and I can see you have the hots for  _ my _ boyfriend, and you better keep your hands off him.”

“I wasn’t -” Magnus tries, but Andrew cuts him off, taking a threatening step towards him, cowering over Magnus.

“Stay away from him.” he says in a low, deep voice, then after another moment of a laser piercing stare, he walks away.

After that, Andrew claims Alec every chance he gets. Kissing him, touching him, always making sure Magnus is watching, so it’s clear as day who Alec “belongs” to, as if Magnus wasn’t already painfully aware. The worst part of it all, is that he finally gets to see how enamored Alec actually is by his gorgeous boyfriend.

It’s after the third show at the Pechanga Arena, that they all go out again, this time to a local bar, that Andrew knows the owner of. Magnus is sitting alone at the bar, keeping his distance, but failing miserably at trying not to stare at Alec, who seems to be on cloud nine around Andrew. He is just about to order another drink, when a beautiful blonde guy takes a seat on the stool beside Magnus, blocking his view of Alec, “how come the infamous Magnus Bane is sitting all alone at the bar?” he asks in a sexy English accent, “from what I heard, he’s always the life of the party.”

Magnus turns to look at him, and damn he really is yummy, with his blue eyes, sharp cheekbones and tall body, “you must have me mistaken for someone else.” he says sweetly, flashing his best smile.

“I could never mistake that beautiful smile.” the man says, and Magnus snorts.

“Oh god, has that line ever worked for you?” Magnus asks with a smirk.

“Shit, no, I’m sorry, I was nervous.” the blonde admits, cringing, “can we start over?” 

“Sure.” Magnus agree’s.

“Great, I’m Sebastian Verlac.” the man introduces himself, “I’m actually the owner of this place.”

“So how about you invite me for another drink?” Magnus asks, batting his eyelashes and flashing yet another sweet and innocent smile. Sebastian is quick to comply. After some small talk, and more drinks, Magnus invites Sebastian to his suite, and fucks Alec’s perfect smile out of his head.

**\---**

Magnus wakes up to a splitting headache. He keeps his eyes shut as he groans and turns over, away from the light streaming in from the window. He almost jumps out of his skin when he comes face to face with another man, opening his eyes and trying desperately to remember what had happened. That crappy bar, being jealous of Alec and Andrew, Sebastian, bringing him back to the suite. Well shit. “Good morning.” a soft English voice mumbles, at least he has a sexy voice.

Magnus grunts and lays on his stomach, “morning.” he replies simply.

“Last night was great.” Sebastian goes on with a grin, crawling closer to Magnus, the blanket slipping off his shoulder to reveal his naked torso. And at least he also has a sexy body.

“Yeah…” Magnus mumbles, even though he can’t remember much of last night, although he is starting to feel the soreness from it. And by god, how much he missed it, he hadn’t even realised. After Camille, he made it a point to only, or mostly, sleep with men, and ended up getting a little too addicted to it. But because of the tour, he hasn’t really had the chance, until now.

Sebastian chuckles and starts kissing his shoulder, “You were so good for me…” he whispers in between kisses, then crawls over Magnus’ back, “how about a second round before I go?”

Magnus just hums in appreciation, because this man clearly knows what he’s doing, and Magnus always loves back kisses. Sebastian grips his wrists above his head, and god is he strong. He continues to kiss and lick, and Magnus squirms and writhes, as his un-drunk brain starts to register what is happening. “Wait…” he finally manages, because suddenly he’s not quite sure.

“Come on, don’t be such a tease.” Sebastian says in a flirty voice, as he reaches for the condom and lube on the bedside table.

Magnus is most definitely not trying to be a tease, but saying that to Sebastian would probably do no good. “Look, I’m sorry, I just need a moment.” he says instead, because now that he isn’t drunk, Alec’s smile is back in his head, and something just doesn’t feel quite right.

Sebastian laughs then coats his fingers with lube, “you were pretty eager last night, when I fucked that pretty ass of yours...” he says leaning in to kiss his nape, then whispered in his ear, “you kept begging me for more.” When Magnus doesn’t say anything, Sebastian asks again, “so do you want me?”

Then, he’s sucking at Magnus’ earlobe, which is his weak spot, capable of rendering him completely pliable, and without even thinking, Magnus mumbles, “yeah, okay, you can fuck me.” and without waiting another beat, Sebastian shoves a finger up Magnus’ ass, and not long after, another one. Magnus winces, squirms and mewls. Then he just gives into it, when at first it does feel good, especially with the kisses Sebastian is scattering all over his back and neck, and even more so when he hits his spot a few times. But then he shoves his dick inside his still sore hole, and despite preparing him before, it wasn’t nearly enough. Magnus tries to get away at a particularly painful thrust, but he had lost his strength long ago, not to mention that Sebastian is taller and larger, and there really is no point.

It’s not that he’s suffering, and at a few moments, it actually does feel good, but Magnus is just not in the mood anymore. But it wouldn’t be the first time that he suffers through, so as Sebastian pulls him up to his knees and shoves his face down into the pillow, he bites his bottom lip and takes the hard pounding, counting the seconds until it’s over. Sebastian is so high and out of it, that he doesn’t even realize that Magnus didn’t cum, hell he barely even got hard to begin with, nor does he notice the tear stains on Magnus’ pillow.

Magnus curls himself under the covers, glad that it was over fairly quickly. He can’t help but think that he probably deserves it for getting so wasted and acting like a slut the night before, again, it wouldn’t be the first time, and he never seems to learn his lesson, so serves him right. “That was incredible.” Sebastian announces as he gets up and dresses, “I hope to see you around sometime.” Then he is out the door, just like everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww poor Magnus, he finally feels something for someone after Camille, and that someone has a boyfriend. he's just so deep within his problems, he has no idea where and how to begin to get out, so he just succumbs to it... hopefully he finds his way soon...
> 
> what do you all think? please let me know your thoughts :)


	6. leave me to drown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The shark is the apex predator in the sea. Sharks have molded evolution for 450 million years. All fish species that are prey to the sharks have had their behavior, their speed, their camouflage, their defense mechanisms molded by the shark.” -- Paul Watson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there lovelies!  
> thank you for all the love and support, your kudo's and comments mean the world to me.  
> so here we are with yet another chapter... please let me know what you think!
> 
> also, I've started a new Instagram account, so please come follow me there: [MBL.writes](https://www.instagram.com/mbl.writes/?hl=en)
> 
> and on [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> thanks a million!

For the past few months, Andrew and Alec had barely seen each other, which had put a bit of a strain on their relationship. But even so, Alec was adamant to make it work, because he was madly in love with Andrew, and had been since he was a teenager. He had been with a few other men, but none had come close to his love for Andrew.

So when his model boyfriend decided to join them on tour, he was ecstatic, and it was amazing to have him around. But something felt different, something he couldn’t quite pinpoint, but deep down knew the source of. He just wasn’t ready yet to admit that to himself, or anyone else for that matter. It’s probably why he had taken a step back from said source. Andrew hadn’t said anything aloud, but Alec didn’t need him to, to know that it bothers him, and the last thing Alec wants to do is hurt his boyfriend. The problem is, any time he’s near Magnus, he loses control. Which wouldn’t be a problem, if it wasn’t so damn hard to not be near him.

But when he wakes up this morning with his man in his arms, nothing else matters. That is until Andrew announces that he needs to leave, make his way to New York to start working on his new record, which he had just signed off on. The thought of his man leaving, stirs up contradicting feelings, which in turn, confuses him even more.

“Sorry, babe, but I’ll jump by again, I promise.” Andrew promises as Alec buries his face in his neck, “besides, you need to get up and ready to go to Phoenix.”

“Ugh, fuck Phoenix.” Alec mutters as he hugs Andrew closer, desperately pushing away the images of Magnus that surface, of them cuddling on the couch on the bus.

Andrew laughs and pries himself out of Alec’s arms, “Believe me, I really don’t want to go, but neither of us really has a choice.” he says sadly.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” Alec sighs and slumps back down on his bed, as Andrew gets dressed. When Andrew is done getting ready and Alec gets himself decent, they walk out to the hall. Just as Andrew leans in to kiss Alec, the door across from them, the door to  _ Magnus’ room _ opens, and Sebastian walks out looking too smug for his own good. Andrew had introduced them last night, and Alec didn’t like him at all.

Alec is taken aback by the sudden urge to punch the smirk off his face. His boyfriend though, smiles and greets him, “Seb, didn’t know you were here.” he says with a smile, giving him a quick hug, “looks like you had a good time.”

Sebastian’s smirk grows impossibly larger, “yeah, I did.” he says with a wink, “Magnus was great, if you know what I mean.”

Alec clenches his jaw and fists, and has to force himself not to say anything. He is surprised when Andrew gives him a fist bump and says, “although, as rumor has it, he’s not very hard to get.”

“Andrew, seriously?” Alec snaps, he’d never heard Andrew talk like that about anyone.

Andrew laughs and waves it off, “come on Alec, why does it even bother you?’ he asks lightly, but Alec knows how loaded and heavy it actually is.

“Besides, it is true.” Sebastian adds, saving Alec from having to lie to his boyfriend, then before any of them can comment, “anyway, I gotta go, but it was nice meeting you Alec.”

“Yeah.” Alec says shortly, deciding it would be best to stay quiet.

“I’m just leaving too, I’ll walk out with you.” Andrew tells him, then turns to Alec and gives him a hug and kiss, “I love you, babe.”

“I love you too.” Alec says, his anger melting with just that.

**\---**

When Alec see’s Magnus walking to his bus, Raphael a few steps behind him, he’s running over to him before he can even attempt to stop himself. Alec grabs him by the arm, but Magnus is quick to pull away as if he burnt him, then shouts, “don’t touch me.” Alec takes a step back as Magnus realises it is him and a shocked expression appears on his face, “shit, sorry Alec.”

“Whatever.” Alec shrugs it off bitterly, too deep in his own feelings, then he continues muttering quietly so Raphael can’t hear, “how could you have sex with him?”

Magnus looks at him, dumbfounded, before responding, “I don’t see how it is any of your concern.” he says, in a cold and harsh tone, which Alec probably deserved.

“Well it is when he’s my boyfriend’s friend.” Alec retorts, even though it doesn’t make much sense.

“Why does that even matter?” Magnus asks, confused.

“It just does.” Alec snaps, uncaring of how much he sounds like a rebel teenager, “it just makes things very awkward.”

“You’re making things awkward.” Magnus snaps back, losing his patience.

“Whatever, Magnus.” Alec says with a wave of his hand, “I guess I shouldn’t have expected anything more from you.” And the look of pure hurt that appears on Magnus’ face, is enough to shut him up and make him regret his words.

Magnus’ Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and looks away, “okay, then.” he mutters quietly, then turns and walks onto his bus.

“Shit, Magnus, I’m sorry.” Alec calls after him, but it’s too little too late, as Magnus is already in the bus, closing the door behind him.

**\---**

Alec tries to talk to Magnus as soon as they arrive in Phoenix, but the older man ignores him as he calls his name. He calls a second time, thinking that perhaps he hadn't heard him the first time, but Magnus doesn’t stop walking or turn to him. But what really gives it away is when Izzy comes up beside Alec, walking with him as she also calls Magnus’ name. Magnus immediately turns with a grin on his face, “Isabel darling.” he calls back as she speeds up to catch up with him.

Alec freezes for a second, then resumes his walking just as Izzy reaches Magnus. She wraps an arm around Magnus, and despite the distance and huge sunglasses, Alec can still see the grimace on his face, and slight shiver that runs through Magnus’ body. But ever the talented showman, Magnus is quick to mask it up and compose himself, plastering his iconic smile on his face. Izzy may be fooled, but Alec certainly isn’t, he knows Magnus is uncomfortable.

The singer has never been fond of being touched, Alec is aware of that, but he was usually fine with people he was close with and liked. This is beyond his normal distaste for being touched, and Alec has a feeling he knows why. So that evening, when they’re all getting ready in their dressing rooms, Alec barges into Magnus’ without knocking, “what did he do to you?” he asks angrily.

Then he freezes, “Oh, hey Cat.” he greets Magnus’ hair and makeup artist, his voice a vast contrast to seconds ago. Both Magnus and Cat are looking up at him surprised and confused, as he stands there sheepishly, shifting his weight awkwardly.

“Hello, Alec.” Cat greets back with a sweet smile, then turns back to Magnus, looking him over. “I was just done anyway.”

“Thank you, Catharina.” Magnus says softly, smiling at her.

Cat smiles back, but doesn’t really quite look at him, then with a small wave and a “bye boys.” She leaves the dressing room. Magnus is quick to get up and grab his flask out of one of his bags, ignoring Alec’s presence as he takes a swig and sits down on his couch.

“What happened last night with Sebastian?” Alec asks, his anger back on.

Without even looking up at him, Magnus chuckles and smirks, “you seriously want me to tell you about my sex life?” he questions, sounding amused. “Just this morning you-”

“Look, this act of yours may work on Izzy and everyone else, but not on me.” Alec snaps adamantly, cutting him off and taking a couple steps forward, “I know he did something to you, and I know that you’re hurting.”  _ more than usual,  _ Alec finishes in his mind, but he can’t really say that out loud.

Magnus just snorts and finally looks up at him, “not that it’s any of your business,” he begins, then takes a sip of his alcohol before going on, “what happened between Sebastian and I was completely consensual, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“Bu-” Alec begins, but Magnus is quick to stand and cut him off.

“Besides, I think we have already established this morning what you think of my… sex life.” he says with a flourish, “so it shouldn’t be so daunting that I sleep around.”

“Magnus, that’s not -” Alec tries to deny, but Magnus is yet again quick to cut him off.

“Oh, yes it is.” Magnus snaps, “now please leave.”

**\---**

After the show, Alec tries again. He waits until Raphael leaves for his own room, then heads out of his room to knock on Magnus’ door. He is surprised when it opens almost right away, and then his breath catches in his throat when he lays his eyes on Magnus. Alec swallows hard as he looks down at Magnus who is wearing a knee length silk robe, over a matching pair of silk pajama bottoms, but no shirt. Meaning, Alec can see a small strip of the caramel coloured skin of his chest and abs, “h-hi.” he stammers out, “can I, umm, come in?”

Magnus doesn’t really look too happy to do so, but steps aside anyway, and reluctantly lets him step into the suite, closing the door behind him. “What can I do for you, Alec?” he asks in a formal tone, walking over to the drink cart and pours himself a drink.

“Look, I’m really sorry about what I said this morning.” Alec says, taking a step closer, “it was out of place and I didn’t really mean it.”

“Then why did you say it?” Magnus asks in a small voice, turning to look at him, and Alec utilizes the opportunity to take another step closer and look him straight in the eyes.

“I don’t know.” Alec says honestly, and watches as Magnus begins to lose his front, “I just… thinking of you with him, and hearing him talk about it after -”

“Wait, he spoke to you about it?” Magnus cuts him off, looking horrified.

“Not exactly. Andrew and I met him in the hall, and they briefly brought it up.” Alec explains, and is glad when Magnus doesn’t ask what was said. He probably doesn’t want to know, and can probably guess anyway. “Then later, you flinched when I touched you, and after that also when Izzy touched you.”

“It was instinctual.” Magnus counters, but with no real heat to his words.

“Look, I really do care about you, and this whole thing made me protective over you.” Alec explains softly, walking even closer, “and I want you to know that you are worth way more than that. Men like Sebastian don’t deserve you.”

“That’s sweet of you to say, but I have a reputation that will prove otherwise.” Magnus’ voice somehow remains light and easy, “either way, you are forgiven.” Alec smiles and accepts the drink Magnus offers him.

**\---**

After that night, things go back to normal between the two, and they spend both the drive to Las Vegas and Salt Lake City together on Magnus’ bus, talking, laughing and just having a good time and growing closer. But the more time they spend together, the more questions Alec has, the less he has the courage to actually ask them. Because Magnus actually looks genuinely happy, and Alec just doesn’t want to take that away from him.

If and when Magnus is ready to talk about the things that he has well buried under the surface, he will. No matter how much he would like to, Alec can’t force it out of him. So for now, he is forcing himself to just go with the flow, and be thankful for the good vibes. When they arrive at the Marriott hotel in downtown Salt Lake City, however, everything good and calm vanishes as if it were never there.

Alec had never met Camille in the flesh, but has heard stories and seen interviews, and that was certainly more than enough for him. So when he sees her, or even worse, when Magnus sees her standing in the lobby of their hotel, he already misses those days when she wasn’t present. But unfortunately you cannot un-see a person if they are actually, physically in the same room and in your line of vision. 

Magnus freezes on his spot, then quickly tries to turn and run away, but Camille, the snake, is quicker, as if she had been waiting, which wouldn’t surprise Alec. he watches as Magnus freezes again when her sly voice rings through the lobby, “Magnus, my dear, what a pleasant surprise.” Then her clicking heels echo as she steps forward, and to Alec’s ears it sounds very much like the soundtrack from ‘Jaws’, and Camille looks very much like a shark on the hunt.

Magnus goes even more rigid when she reaches them, and wraps her arms around him, Alec almost launches at her and pries her off him. But luckily, she is quick to pull away. A tall, dark haired man steps behind Camille, placing his muscular arm around her slender waist, looking down at her with his dark green eyes. “Oh, Magnus hun, you remember Jared, don’t you?” she asks, her voice too polite and too casual.

Magnus had never really spoken to him about what happened between them, but Alec would have needed to be living under a rock to not know, and probably even then, he would have found out somehow. “How could I forget?” Magnus grits out, fuming and red, “Last time I saw you, you were naked in my bed.”

“Always so dramatic, can’t you just get over yourself?” Camille cuts in before Jared can respond, “perhaps if you weren’t so needy and clingy, I wouldn’t have gotten bored with you.”

Alec is quick to step in front of Magnus and face Camille with laser sharp eyes, “that’s enough.” he says sternly, “stay away from him.”

Camille just laughs gleefully, then peers over at Magnus, “seems like you’ve found a new toy, he’s cute.” then she folds her arms and looks back at Alec, the smirk that appears on her face causing chills to run down his spine, “too bad it won’t last.”

“What are you even doing here?” Alec snaps, ignoring her vicious words.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m filming a movie not far from here.” Camille says in a bored tone, “and I heard Magnus will be here, and I just had to come see for myself.” Camille looks over at Magnus again, who has his head down and looks like he just wants to curl into himself and disappear, “you really do look terrible, dear.” she says in shame, “lucky I got rid of you when I did.”

Magnus remains in himself, so Alec takes charge again, giving her his best threatening look he can muster, “get out.” he says in a low deep voice.

Camille just laughs again, a shrill, deafening sound, “fear not, I don’t plan on sticking around, no one ever does, right Magnus?” her voice is mocking as she looks at Magnus again with a fake pout, then back to Alec, “good luck with him, you’ll need it.” Then she’s gone. And Alec didn’t think it would be possible to hate someone so much, to the point where he wishes he could un-meet her.

By the time he turns to Magnus, the man is already gone, running across the lobby and out to the garden. Alec is about to follow him, when Raphael - who had been too busy checking them in, to notice much of what happened - approaches and stops him, “don’t worry about it.” he says in a calm voice that drives Alec even angrier, “he’ll get over it soon enough.”

“Are you serious right now?” Alec growls, losing his patience, “how can you treat him like this? You know, better than I do probably, how vicious Camille is.”

“He’s just having another tantrum, it will pass.” Raphael continues to wave him off, “it always does.”

“Don’t you care even a little?” Alec snaps, no longer able to hold it in, “you watch him fall apart every single day, yet do nothing about it.”

“You know nothing, so stay out of it.” Raphael also snaps, then walks away. Alec wants to stop him, shake him roughly, maybe punch him, and yell at him some more. But he knows that now is not the time.

Alec probably shouldn’t be consouling Magnus with all this anger boiling inside him, but he can’t just abandon him like everyone else and leave him to drown. So he walks outside in search of him, and when he finds him, all the anger leaves him at once. Magnus is leaning against the tree in the furthest, most secluded corner of the garden. Alec takes a short moment to gaze at him from afar. He isn’t crying or shaking, just hugging himself and staring ahead, barely even moving. When Alec comes closer, he can see that Magnus looks utterly lost and broken, and the sudden need to fix it and make it go away, takes over him. When he takes a seat beside him, Magnus is quick to tell him, “you don’t have to.” without even looking.

“This again?” Alec asks with a smile, trying to lighten the mood, “I want to be here for you, and I want to help you.”

“I just -” Magnus begins, but cuts himself off, as if contemplating if to share and what to say, Alec allows him the time that he needs to mull it over. “I hate that she can get to me like that, that I can’t even fight back. I just froze, and it feels so… pathetic.”

“Hey, you’re not pathetic.” Alec retorts gently, “she’s just mean and cold, anyone would be affected by that.”

“But it’s been so long, I shouldn’t be this affected.” Magnus counters, finally looking at him, and his eyes almost break Alec to pieces, “I just wish I was stronger, but she broke me.”

“What did she do to you?” The question slips out without thinking, and Alec wants to hit himself in the head, but Magnus just chuckles softly.

“Don’t you read the tabloids?” he asks humorously, but also, sadly, dead serious.

“Magnus, I don’t care what the tabloids say, I know enough not to believe them.” Alec says seriously, but not unkindly, “I want to hear your side of it, because I’m sure there is so much more to it.”

Magnus sighs heavily, then leans his head back against the tree, staring ahead, “I was totally and utterly in love with her, from the first moment I saw her, just like every cliche’ known to man.” Magnus starts to relate, looking even further away, “I was hooked, and she took every advantage of it she could. I was too blided to see what was going on, the few friends I had left tried to warn me, but I just drove them away, even more than they already were.”

Alec is itching to draw him closer, to wrap his arms around him, and shield the man from the world, but he fights that urge, and allows Magnus to go on. “She played on my every insecurity, turned me into her little puppet, until she got bored of me.” Magnus goes on, tears welling up in his eyes, he takes a deep breath and continues, “she would cheat on me every time I was on the road, or when she was away filming. And I was so caught in her claws, I just looked the other way. Not to mention, that she was the only one left that actually cared, or at least, cared enough to make sure I was still alive.”

And that just evoked so many more questions, but Alec kept quiet, reaching out to hold Magnus’ hand in silent support as he went on, “then one day I caught her in our bed with Jared, and I could no longer ignore it. I confronted her and she unleashed on me, and I’m sure you can imagine what kind of things she said.” Magnus takes another deep breath and wipes the few tears that slipped down his cheeks.

“And being the golden couple we were back then, everything just exploded, and I should have been used to having my life on display, but that was so much worse, especially with Camille trying to twist it all in her favor, and I just broke.” Magnus shrugs and sniffles as more tears spill, “and by then I had no one left, because I basically ruined every friendship I ever had, and I just couldn’t handle the pressure. So when I tried to tell my side of the story in a live interview, I had a massive meltdown.”

Magnus then surprises Alec by looking over at him, and when he sees the tear stains and red, sad eyes, the younger man can barely prevent himself from embracing the smaller man and never letting go. But Magnus’ next words make him pause, “which is why you should stay I away from me.” he says in a broken voice, “don’t get me wrong, you’re a great friend and I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but it’s just a matter of time before I ruin this too, and you don’t deserve all this unnecessary drama.”

“Magnus…” Alec lets out in a low, shocked whisper, fighting the urge to burn in anger and punch anyone who had ever had the nerve to make this beautiful man feel this way, “I want to be here, and I don’t plan on going anywhere any time soon.”

“Alec, please I -”

“No, Magnus.” Alec cuts him off in determination, “I promise you, I don’t scare that easy.” Then he does embrace the smaller man, who finally allows himself to be enveloped by his strong, protecting body.

**\---**

After that, Alec helps Magnus up to his suite and after getting some food and water in him, he sends him off for a nap. It doesn’t all magically go away after that, but it gets better, and Alec likes to think that he is helping Magnus get stronger.

The following day, after they’re done with the show in Salt Lake, Alec joins Magnus on his bus for the night drive to Denver. Magnus tries to tell him that he doesn’t have to, but Alec insists and doesn't leave much room for argument. They talk and watch some Netflix, then they both fall asleep, on separate beds this time.

When they wake up the next morning, they’re already in Denver, parked outside yet another fancy hotel. When they walk out the bus together, Alec watches Magnus closely, and gets lost in the actual genuine smile on his face.

“Alec?”

Alec snaps out of his daydream and turns towards the voice he loves so much, but had not expected to hear. “Andrew?” he says dumbly, looking at his boyfriend who is currently watching him with angry eyes, “what are you doing here?” he may have done nothing wrong, not really, but Alec still feels shame.

“I came to surprise you.” his boyfriend says, and in a split second his expression flips and turns to excitement. Andrew closes the distance between them and pulls him into a searing kiss, catching Alec off guard. 

When they pull away, Magnus stammers out that he should go, then without waiting for a reply, he walks away. Alec has to force himself not to stop him from walking away, or calling after him. “What the fuck Alec?” Andrew snaps, flipping yet again once Magnus is out of earshot.

“What?’ Alec asks, whiplashed.

“Why were you spending the night with him?” Andrew asks angrily.

“I wasn’t spending the night  _ with  _ him, I just rode with him in the same bus, but on separate beds.” Alec explains, trying to keep his cool, “he’s lonely and I’m just trying to be a good friend.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate.” Andrew snaps, “and I would like you to stop hanging out with him.”

“Seriously Andrew? Why are you overreacting?” Alec asks defensively, Andrew had never been the jealous, possessive type. “Don’t you trust me?”

“It’s him I don’t trust.” Andrew hisses, pointing vaguely at the direction of the entrance to the hotel.

“We’re just friends, Andrew.” Alec insists, although he’s not sure he’s even convincing himself, “and he’s done nothing wrong.”

“I still don’t feel comfortable with it, I would like you to stop seeing him.” Andrew says in a stern voice, folding his arms.

“We’re on tour together, I can’t just ignore him.” Alec counters, but Andrew doesn’t seem convinced.

“I am your boyfriend, and I’m asking you to respect my feelings.” Andrew says, and before Alec can respond he goes on, “or would you rather choose  _ him _ ?”

“Of course I’m not choosing him, but I can’t just abandon him.” Alec insists again, “please Andrew, I love you, don’t make this something it isn’t.”

“I love you too Alec, but I just don’t feel comfortable with you around him.”

“Andrew, he needs me.” Alec presses.

“He’s trying to steal you away!” Andrew almost yells, clearly uncaring of the crowd of fans and paparazzi, “why are you so blind?”

“He is not.” Alec snaps, gesturing for him to be quiet, “now can we please go inside and -”

“No! I think you’ve made yourself pretty clear.” the blonde man say adamantly, folding his arms again, “I come all the way here and all you care about is that stupid drunk.”

“Hey!”

“What? Are you going to defend him again?” Andrew mocks, “Whatever, Alec, I’m done.” Then his boyfriend turns to leave, and Alec tries to call after him, but to no avail. Andrew enters the waiting limo and drives off.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel the need to apologize to you about Camille, she is terrible. but I had to include her at least once. so hopefully she's gone for good. but how sweet was Alec? and how confused is he, sheesh.
> 
> thank you all for reading, hope you enjoyed!  
> please come and follow me on Instagram: [MBL.writes](https://www.instagram.com/mbl.writes/?hl=en) and on [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> much love!


	7. at the bottom of the gin bottle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is confused, and there's trouble in paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies!  
> I'm back with yet another chapter.... I've been having a little doubts about this chapter, but hopefully you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> I've actually started a blog and just uploaded my second post today! it's a personal blog and I'm writing about personal stories, thoughts, feelings, experiences and relationships... so please come check it out if that interests you! [MBL writes - blog](https://mblwrites.blogspot.com/)
> 
> thank you all so much for all the support, it means the world.

Magnus rushes up to yet another huge suite, with a pang in his stomach that he shouldn’t be feeling. He paces back and forth, taking deep breaths and trying to convince himself that everything will be okay, but he has his past to prove otherwise. So when the dark voices in his head won’t subside, he walks over to the mini bar.

_ ‘Here you go again... falling for someone you can’t and shouldn’t have... drowning your sorrows in the bottom of a gin bottle.’  _ the voice yells as he reaches the mini bar, but of course it is empty.  _ ‘He just wants to be your friend, you should consider yourself extremely lucky he even wants that, no one else wants anything to do with you.’  _ the voice goes on, mercilessly.

Magnus rushes over to his luggage and pulls out a bottle of Gin, taking a huge gulp as the voice goes on.  _ ‘His boyfriend didn’t look too happy, did he? he’ll probably convince him to toss you aside, and for good reason too.’ _

It takes a few more mouth fulls for the voice to fade away, but eventually it does. Magnus turns on the TV so the room isn’t so silent, but still listening out for the door. He doesn’t want it, but he knows it’s just a matter of time before Alec knocks on his door to tell him that they can’t be friends, because Magnus knows Andrew doesn’t like him, probably even more so now that he’s caught them riding together, and a night drive no less.

When the knock finally comes, Magnus freezes. He hugs the throw pillow close to his chest and prays that he heard wrong. There is never going to be a time when he is ready to lose Alec, especially not after he had opened up to him like that, he hadn’t done that with anyone in… well, he can’t remember when the last time was. And Alec actually listened and didn’t run away…

Like a naive fool, Magnus actually believed it could be true. Then there is another knock, but the voice that accompanies it, is not Alec’s. “Hey Magnus!” it’s Izzy’s voice, then she knocks yet again, “open up!”

So Magnus does, and is greeted by four excited and happy smiles. Izzy and Clary were standing first with some snacks, and behind them were Max and Simon, holding some drinks. “Hi.” he says, surprised by the sudden guests.

“Alec kicked us out, so we came to hang out.” Max says, pushing past Clary and Izzy, then enters the suite, “hope you don’t mind.”

“No, of course not.” Magnus shakes his head and quickly composes himself, “come on in.” even though he just really wants to be alone with his gin.

“Thanks, it’s actually a great opportunity to hang out with you.” Izzy says with enthusiasm, “plus, I hate the thought of you all alone here, in this big room, must be quiet.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Magnus says as he closes the door and his guests start grabbing seats in the lounge area, then, trying to sound casual, he asks, “so Alec kicked you out?” 

“Yeah, apparently Andrew showed up.” Max replies, “he wanted to surprise him or something like that, even though we just saw him in LA, but whatever.”

“Hey, be nice.” Izzy reprimands, slapping her little brother on his shoulder lightly, “they barely get to see each other, for them it is a big deal.”

“Yeah, well, then he shouldn’t have left that easy.” Max retorted, slapping her back.

“Hey!” she scolded.

“He left?” Magnus asks, the dread in his stomach growing, because he knows it’s probably all his fault.

“Yep, they got into some huge fight or something.” Clary continued the story, “he looked really upset when he came upstairs.”

“I haven’t seen him this upset in quite a while.” Simon added, “so he asked us to leave so he could talk to Jace.”

“Shit.” Magnus whispered.

“But don’t worry about it, it’s far from the first time they had a fight.” Max interjects, as he flips through the TV channels, “they’re so sickeningly in love, they’ll probably get back together tomorrow.”

“They broke up?” Magnus asks, shocked, he didn’t think it was that bad.

“We’re actually not sure of all the details, Alec didn’t really explain, but it seemed that way.” Izzy replied, opening a bag of chips, “but they’ll be fine, they always are.”

“Alec tends to get dramatic after fights.” Clary adds with an amused snicker, opening a bag of Doritos, then pats the space next to her, “don’t worry about it, come join us.”

Magnus does join them, but he can’t not worry about it, after all, he is to blame.

**\---**

After his talk with Alec’s siblings and friends, Magnus tries to seek him out, despite his fear that Alec would get angry with him and blame him for his break up. Magnus was worried, because from what he was told, Alec is upset, and of course, who wouldn’t be after a break up? And Alec was there for him so many times already, he wanted to do the same or him.

But they were either busy, or not alone, so he didn’t get a chance to have a proper conversation with the younger man, before the concert. Magnus was actually starting to think that maybe Alec was avoiding him, which would hurt like hell, but nonetheless, Magnus would understand. 

However, Alec did come and find him the day after the show, “I’m sorry I’ve been kinda distant since yesterday.” Alec says as they walk into Magnus’ bus for some privacy, “it’s just, Andrew and I fought and I’ve been confused, and I just needed time to think.”

Magnus settles on the couch, as Alec remains standing, fiddling with different odds and ends, out of what looks like nerves. “I’m sorry, is everything okay?” Magnus finally asks.

“Well, I don’t really know.” Alec says honestly, as the bus begins to move, causing him to stumble a bit, so he sits down on the couch next to Magnus, “Andrew has never been the jealous type, so I don’t really know what’s going on in his head, not completely anyway, so I don’t know what to do or say to make it better.”

Magnus gives him a small sympathetic smile, not really knowing how to respond, but wishing he could make it better somehow. “The problem is, he’s not answering or responding to any of my calls or texts.” Alec continues, clearly needing to vent, “which may be for the best, because frankly, I have no idea what to say to him.”

“Maybe he just needs some time.” Magnus suggests, itching to reach forward and stroke his back, or hug him, or hold his hand, or something, anything. “I mean, you love each other, that doesn’t go away so easily.”

“I do, I really do.” Alec agrees with a small smile that stirs too much up in Magnus’ stomach, “but I can’t help but think, maybe he has a point in what he says, otherwise he wouldn’t go so crazy.”

Magnus watches him closely as he speaks, hanging on every word he says, because if he thinks Alec is saying what he thinks he’s saying, then that would mean… right? “What are you saying?” Magnus asks slowly, in a low voice.

“He thinks that there is something going on between us.” Alec cuts straight to the chase, and Magnus almost stops breathing almost altogether, “and my first instinct was to deny it, but really, after thinking about it and talking to Jace, I’m not so sure anymore.”

“Alexander, I hope you know I would never come between you and Andrew.” Magnus is quick to clear up, because suddenly he’s thinking that maybe that is what it’s about, “if you want me to stay away, I -”

“No, Magnus, I don’t want that.” Alec cuts in, before he can get too carried away, “I just… am I wrong in feeling that maybe there is something here? Between us?”

Magnus takes in a deep breath, which really helps with nothing, “no, you would not be wrong.” he decides to be honest, “but I think it’s natural to be attracted and feel things towards someone you have a connection with, even when you’re in a loving and devoted relationship.”

“I know, it’s just… you’re confusing me.” Alec sighs heavily, rubbing his face.

Magnus’ eyes widen and his breath catches, “I’m sorry, I never meant to -”

“Shit, no, Magnus, I’m sorry, that came out wrong.” Alec cuts him off, “what I mean, is that our connection is confusing to me, because I haven’t felt it towards anyone, besides Andrew, in a long time.”

“Me neither.” Magnus agrees in a whisper, looking up at Alec with longing eyes, because this just can’t be real, “but Andrew told you to stay away from me, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, he did.” Alec breathes out heavily, running a hand through his hair, “but I don’t want to do that, I can’t.”

“I don’t want that either.” Magnus says honestly, then looks down, playing with the rings on his fingers, “but I also don’t want to ruin your relationship.”

“You didn’t.” Alec insists, placing a comforting hand over both of Magnus’, “if anything, I did that, and so did Andrew, by walking away like that and not answering after.”

“So you actually broke up?” Magnus dares to ask, still looking down, now at the joint hands.

“Yeah, I guess we did.” Alec replies with yet another sigh, then adds with a shrug, “I don’t know.”

“So what do you want to do?” Magnus bites his bottom lip as he anxiously waits for Alec to reply.

“I’m not sure, but…” Alec tucks a finger under Magnus’ chin and lifts it, “but I feel like I just want to kiss you.”

The air gets stuck in Magnus’ throat, and as Alec slowly leans forward, he tries his best to keep calm, “can I kiss you?” Alec asks when they are barely an inch apart.

“Yes, please.” Magnus says, barely above a whisper.

Alec smiles, then closes the gap between them, bringing their lips together in a slow, soft drag of their lips. Alec’s hands move to cup his face and deepens the kiss, keeping it slow and so, so gentle.

When they pull back, it’s also slow, and both of them take their time to open up their eyes, basking for a moment longer in the intensity of what had just transpired between them.

“That was…” Alec begins in a whisper, looking right into Magnus’ eyes, looking just as speechless and dazed as Magnus feels.

“Yeah…” Magnus agrees, as they push their foreheads together, “so now what?”

“I’m not sure.” Alec whispered, shrugging his shoulders, “I thought it would help me decide, but it just made me more confused.”

Magnus pulls back and looks at Alec warily, “you’ve been so good to me.” he says quietly, with sad eyes, “I never meant to confuse you.”

Alec shakes his head with a small smile, “I think confusion is part of it, don’t you?” he asks, and Magnus nods, “it’s how you know if something is real or not.”

“It’s very real for me.” Magnus confesses, “but I also don’t want to be the cause of any pain for you.”

“You’re not.” Alec insists, cupping his face again, “it’s not your fault, these things just happen.”

They gaze into each other's eyes for another moment, then Alec looks down at Magnus’ lips, then back up again. When Magnus gives him a knowing smirk, Alec chuckles and leans in for another kiss.

**\---**

It was a strange feeling, Magnus was no longer used to. They spent the rest of the bus ride to Lincoln sharing more stolen kisses and shy smiles, light and easy conversations with no point or reason, just enjoying each other's comforting company. It scares Magnus to no end how much he loved it and never wanted it to end, how much he likes Alec, how much he likes himself around Alec. Because for over six hours, Magnus had not drank a drop of alcohol, hadn’t even thought about it, which was just as daunting. 

Thinking back at the time that had passed, almost three weeks, Magnus finds himself musing and analyzing every moment they had spent together until now, in an attempt to decipher how they got to this point, how in such a short time, this beautiful man wormed his way into Magnus’ heart.

But it seems to be much deeper than that, because for so long, Magnus could barely stay conscious without having at least a couple of mouthfuls of alcohol. His brain just simply won’t allow it, causing him to over think, panic, fill with anxiety or phobia. Since meeting Alec, the need for liquid courage had lessened, and more so since they kissed.

And Magnus was terrified of losing it, and for the past few hours since they arrived at Lincoln, he’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong, for Alec to change his mind, for Andrew to come swooping in and steal him back. “What’s on that beautiful mind of yours?” Alec pulls him back, with a soft kiss to his temple.

Magnus leans into it, closing his eyes briefly, “I’m just… What are we doing here?” he asks, leaning back on his dressing room couch, looking up at Alec.

Alec sighs heavily and leans back as well, they both turn their heads sideways to look at each other, “honestly, I don’t know.” Alec finally replies, “I know it’s not fair to you, but I just need time to figure this out.”

“I understand.” Magnus tries his best to smile, “it’s confusing for me too.”

“I also feel like we owe it to ourselves to try and figure this out.” 

A moment later, they were making out, with Magnus straddling Alec’s lap, hands in his dark, messy hair, as Alec’s hands roamed all over his back, sides and thighs.

**\---**

Of course, as expected, the second shoe drops.

And Magnus wants more than anything to be mature and understanding, for Alec’s sake, because he knows how hard it is for him. They may have fought, and Alec may feel something confusing for Magnus, but he still loves Andrew, he’s  _ in love _ with Andrew, they’ve been together for years.

But even so, after getting to spend the past couple of days in a bubble of bliss with Alec, it was hard for him to accept that it is now over. All he wants to do is hold on to him, like a child would hold on to his toy so no one else can play with it or touch it. He wants to be selfish and keep him to himself, but that isn’t really up to him, is it?

Andrew shows up yet again, un announced (and un welcomed, if you ask Magnus), waiting for them at the hotel lobby in Minneapolis, looking like a puppy running back to his owner with his tail between his legs. Even Magnus has to admit he’s fucking adorable.

The worst part is though, is the way Alec is looking at him with a combination of relief and longing that has Magnus mumbling a quick, “I’ll let you guys talk.” then rushes off to his new suite without even waiting for a response. Not that he would have gotten one, Alec looks too taken, all his focus on the blonde model.

Once in his room, Magnus manages to hold off for just five minutes before he’s reaching for his secret stash of alcohol, gulping it down like a fish who's been out of water.

  
  


Alec shows up at his door, an hour and half a bottle later.

Magnus is pleasantly buzzed by then, he almost forgot about the whole ‘Andrew showing up’ thing. Alec looks worn out and just down right sad when Magnus lays eyes on him, but when Alec looks at him, he smiles. At least for the first couple of seconds, after that it drops and vanishes.

Alec pushes his way in, as Magnus closes the door. “Have you been drinking?” Alec asks, straight to the point, and Magnus can’t help but think that he sounds a little accusatory and judgmental.

Magnus giggles, then waves it off, “just a little.” he says, walking past Alec to retrieve his gin. Alec looks like he’s struggling, considering the different possible reactions. “Why are you here anyway?” Magnus asks, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible, “shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend?”

“Well, that’s what I came here to talk to you about.” Alec tells him, watching him cautiously, like he was a ticking bomb, “can we sit and -”

“Look, Alec, you really don’t have to.” Magnus cuts in, turning to face the window, looking out at the city view.

“What?” 

“I get it, you’re in love with him, you’ve been together for a long time, so you don’t have to feel bad about wanting to be with him.” Magnus explains, without turning to face Alec, desperately trying to keep his voice from breaking.

“But Magnus, I -”

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” Magnus cuts him off again, his voice starting to tremor as his throat clogs up, “you never promised me anything, and -”

But Magnus is the one cut off this time, when Alec places his hand on his shoulders and turns him around. Magnus hadn’t even heard him come closer. “Hey,” Alec whispers, cupping his face and wiping away the tears Magnus hadn’t even realized escaped his eyes, “I’m not here to throw you away as if nothing ever happened.”

Magnus sniffles and shrugs one shoulder, “but Andrew -”

“Andrew and I broke up.” Alec interrupts, and Magnus freezes, his heart thudding in his chest, and brain throbbing in his head, unable to utter anything as Alec continues to explain, “he came to work things out, but when I told him that I’m confused and that there might be something between you and I that I need to figure out, he flipped and called us off, then he left.”

Magnus is still speechless as he looks up at Alec with hopeful eyes, when Alec just stares back at him with equal desire, Magnus wraps his arms around his neck and leans in to kiss him. At first, Alec is responsive, kissing back with the same intensity and hunger, his hands roaming up and down Magnus’ sides.

But all of a sudden, Alec pulls back and takes a big step away from him, almost as if he had been stung or burnt. He holds his hands up between them in defense, as if scared that Magnus will attack him. Which couldn’t happen even if he wanted to, because Magnus was currently unable to move at all, frozen in place by the abruptness of it all.

Alec runs his hand through his hair, his eyes wide and mouth ajar, he stares into the space between them in distress. Magnus finally manages to work his limbs, and folds his arms as he moves his head, staring off to the side, because watching that expression on Alec’s face right after they kissed, is just too much.

Needless to say, he isn’t surprised when he hears Alec’s voice again, “Magnus, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” he says hoarsely.

Magnus still doesn’t look, just closes his eyes and nods, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows through the lump in his throat, but this is not really surprising. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, cause I do.” Alec goes on rambling when Magnus stays silent, “I’m just so fucking confused.”

Perhaps if he had less alcohol in his system, he would react in a more mature way, because when you think about it, what Alec is saying makes sense, you can’t just jump into something new, when you’ve just barely broken up, not if it’s not a rebound. So really, Magnus should be appreciating this reaction from the younger man.

But alas, he has been drinking, and having Alec jump away and reject him like that, just hurts and opens up some old wounds. So Magnus becomes defensive, maybe even a little vindictive, as he tightens his hold on himself, in a vain trial to protect himself.

“Then go be confused with someone else.” Magnus snaps, finally looking back at Alec with the most poisonous look he can muster, which seems to render Alec speechless. “I don’t want to be your rebound, or experiment, play toy, or whatever you want to call it.”

“Magnus, no, that’s -”

“Just get out.” Magnus cuts him off, looking away again. When Alec doesn’t budge, he looks back at him and shouts, “I said get out!”

And when Alec does walk away, Magnus watches him retreating until he is out the door, then he falls to his knees and covers his face with his hands, sobbing into them.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, that was rough. the angst! sorry, I know it's a lot... but I have warned you from the beginning that this is a very angsty story. but hopefully you enjoyed the chapter? what were your thoughts?  
> was Magnus over reacting? or was Alec really being unreasonable?


	8. you drive me crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is confused, Magnus is confused, its all just very confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there lovelies!  
> thanks for coming back for yet another chapter!
> 
> OMG, the responses to chapter 7 were incredible and really warmed my heart. I know this story is rough, and is very angsty, and I love that you guys are sticking through it with me. there will be some happy, fluffy moments, but this story is going to be mainly angsty (in my defense I did warn you in the beginning). I love reading angst and I know that many of you do too. but I promise you an epilogue that will be pure fluff to make up for it all.
> 
> anyway, no more rambling, let's get on to the reason you're all hear... chapter 8!
> 
> P.S.  
> on another note, I started a blog!! and it would mean the world to me if you came to check it out! you can do so, right here - [MBL writes](https://mblwrites.blogspot.com/)

“What the fuck?” Alec’s voice echoes loudly through the room.

“Face it big brother,” Izzy spoke way too calmly for Alec’s liking, as he shut off his phone and threw it on the couch next to him, “we’re famous and popular now, people are gonna notice us more.”

“But this literally just happened yesterday!” Alec exclaimed in frustration, rubbing his face roughly, “how in the world do they already know?”

“The mysterious ways of the paparazzi.” Max joins in, his voice low and deep, “mu-ha-ha-” then he is cut off by a throw pillow hitting his face. He gasps incredulously and throws it back at Alec, who manages to catch it with a smirk.

“Maybe Andrew tipped them off?” Jace suggests, his serious investigative face on, “I mean, he was pretty pissed.”

“He was, but Andrew is not like that, he would never.” Alec says with certainty, running a hand through his hair, “he wouldn’t do something like this just to spite me, especially since he also hates being in all the tabloids.”

“Well, at least they don’t know about your… slip up with Magnus.” Jace rolls his eyes, looking disgusted and mocking as he speaks. “I mean, seriously man, Magnus? I know you had a huge fanboy crush on him growing up, but he has become a screwed up -”

“Watch it Jace.” Alec snaps, cutting him off with a warning glare, “I admit that he is not at his best, but he’s had some rough shit happen to him, so cut him some slack.”

“I get that, I do, and I feel bad for the dude, but must you get involved?” Jace insists, and when Alec goes to protest again, Jace goes on before he can, “you’ve known him for just a few weeks, and he’s already gotten you confused and broken up from Andrew.”

“This is not his fault, he didn’t break us up.” Alec retorts, standing to face Jace, he knows his brother means well, but he still doesn’t like it at all, “he really is a great guy once you get to know him, and we connected, I just can’t explain it.”

“Yeah, well, I hope he really is worth it.” Jace goes on, hell bent on his agenda and notion, “because just a few days ago, you were crying to me over Andrew, because you were madly in love with him.”

“I still am.” Alec insists, because no one, not even Magnus (as gorgeous as he is) can erase a love like that from one day to the next, “I really thought he was the love of my life, and I still love him, so much, I just… I’m confused, and I’m not so sure anymore.”

“I know you are, buddy.” Jace finally begins to back down and lower his guns, sighing in defeat, “I don’t mean to be hard on you, I just hate to see you like this.” the blonde walks over to his big brother and wraps an arm around his shoulder, “and no matter what, I am here for you.”

“We all are.” Izzy joins in, standing in front of her brother and holding on to the front of his opened jacket, looking up at him, “right Max?” but when their little brother doesn’t reply, she looks over at him with piercing eyes, “Max!” she demands sharply.

The youngest Lightwood looks up from his phone and rolls his eyes, understandably exasperated, “yeah, yeah whatever.” he mumbles, waving them off, “I just think it’s cool that my big brother is sleeping with Magnus Bane.”

Alec immediately shrugs out from under Izzy’s and Jace’s holds and grabs the throw pillow again, hitting Max in the head with it as he shouts, “I am not sleeping with him, you idiot.”

“Hey!” Max throws his hands up in defense, then, “Then what the fuck do you do on his bus?” 

Alec rolls his eyes and throws the pillow back down, and sighs heavily, “not everything has to do with sex.” he says through gritted teeth, “so get you filthy head out of the gutter.”

“Whatever you say, big brother.” Max mumbles, going back to his phone with a small smirk.

**\---**

Before the whole ‘Andrew showing up in Minneapolis’ and the fight he had with Magnus about it, the two had talked about them riding together on Magnus’ bus to Milwaukee, but after the harsh words spoken between them, the tension and awkwardness were running high, extremely high.

Throughout the whole day and show in Minneapolis, Magnus barely acknowledged his existence, even when Alec had tried to talk and apologize. The older man just brushed him off and walked away, or just ignored him altogether. Which was understandable, and Alec couldn't fault him for that, but it was frustrating. 

They went out that night after the show, Alec’s siblings invited Magnus to go with them, despite Alec’s reluctance. But Izzy, Max, Clary and Simon really like him, and insisted it would be mean to not invite him, that no matter who you are, it’s never nice to be left out. Alec tried to protest a bit more, because it would just be awkward, but eventually had to cave, hoping that Magnus wouldn’t want to be anywhere near him, and decline. But he didn’t.

The rest of the night was spent in some exclusive, secret club, Alec drinking with Jace at their booth, and the rest dancing with Magnus on the dance floor. Which was absolute torture because Magnus knows how to move, and Alec wasn’t the only one who noticed, no, it seemed like everyone else around him, also did, and Magnus was allowing them to dance with him and touch him.

Alec grew even more confused by the envy that was bubbling roughly inside him, by the sudden urge and need to rip those hands and bodies off of Magnus. He was extremely confused by the yearning he felt to be the one with hands on him. To be the one with his complete attention. But Alec shut off and out all of it, and did his best to ignore it all.

  
  


So needless to say, the following day, Alec was certainly not welcome on Magnus’ bus, and didn’t end up joining him for the drive to Milwaukee, like they previously planned.

Although he did try to despite it all, he waited for Magnus outside his bus and when he finally came out of the hotel and saw Alec leaning on his bus, he rolled his eyes and tried to walk past him and into the bus without actually talking to him.

When Alec grabbed hold of his arm in an attempt to stop him, so they could actually talk, Magnus spun back around and glared at him, “you didn’t think you were actually coming with me, did you?” he asked in a cold, distant tone, which Alec absolutely hated and felt all the way to his core.

He took a stabilizing breath and swallowed it all up, “I was just hoping we could utilize this ride to actually talk.” Aled remained calm as he spoke, desperate to get Magnus to listen. “I want us to clear the air between us.”

“As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing left to talk about.” Magnus said stubbornly, yanking his arm out of Alec’s grasp, “so just leave me alone.” With that, he spun back around and walked into his bus, closing the door behind him, and leaving the air between them still very much thick with tension and anger.

And to top it all off, all the media sites just keep buzzing about his and Andrew’s break up, posting all sorts of stories and theories, speculating the reason for their break up. Some of them even blamed Magnus for coming between them, which is the last thing their “relationship” needed. He couldn’t afford to have Magnus upset with him for another reason, or to have that tension tearing them further apart.

Not to mention the paparazzi, standing outside the hotels and venues that were holding their concerts in Chicago and Kansas. Alec managed to avoid them and never actually gave in to them, but it was just down right annoying, only adding to the huge pressure and nerves he felt.

So after the show in Kansas, Alec finally snapped.

“You and I are going to talk about this.” Alec states, as he grabs hold of Magnus’ arm, pulling him towards his dressing room, “now.” he adds adamantly, when Magnus tries to protest.

When their safely behind the closed door, out of prying eyes and ears, Alec faces Magnus with a serious gaze, speaking before Magnus can shut him out again, “look, I know I hurt you and that you don’t want to talk to me, but we can’t go on like this.” he says, keeping his eyes on Magnus, who is folding his arms and looking off to his side, “this tension, it’s driving me crazy, I hate it. And I hate that I hurt you, and that you’re angry with me.”

Magnus sighs heavily, then finally looks up at Alec, “Well, I was hurt, and certainly angry with you.” he says surprisingly calmly, taking a step forward, “and I admit that ignoring you, wasn’t the best way about it, or the most mature. I just got caught up in my own pain and misery.”

“I know, and I get it.” Alec sighs in relief, even daring a small smile.

“But in the process, I couldn’t see that you are hurting too, and doing the best you can in this terrible situation.” Magnus goes on, overlooking Alec’s words, “so once I got out of my own head, enough to realize that, I really didn’t know how to face you. I didn’t think you would want to after my terrible behavior.”

Alec just smiles at him and takes a few cautious steps closer, when Magnus doesn’t flinch or move away, he wraps his arms around the smaller man, holding him close to his chest, Magnus sinks into it and wraps his own arms around Alec as well.

“Let’s just agree to try and do better.” Alec eventually says, “I know this is all difficult, and I hate that my confusion is hurting you, but can we please just… try to be friends for now, and see how things go?”

Magnus tightens his hold and smiles into Alec’s chest, “yes, I would like that.”

“Also, I’m sorry about the rumors.” Alec adds suddenly, hoping and praying not to ruin the progress they just made, “I never meant for them to put you between us, and lay the blame on you.”

Luckily though, Magnus just laughs and waves it off, “oh, Alexander, I more so than anyone should know how much they exaggerate and make up their own stories, we have no control over it.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry they involved you.” Alec insists.

**\---**

After that, things get a little better, and the following day they even spend the ride to Dallas together on Magnus’ bus, and after the show, they decide to go for drinks at the hotel bar together, and this time, Magnus is not ignoring him, or paying attention to anyone else. And Alec loves it, he absolutely loves having Magnus’ full attention and focus, which just makes him even more confused.

Alec tries to soothe the confusion and his over thinking brain, by drinking shot after shot that Magnus hands to him. But all it does is make him lose control and want to take Magnus up to his room and tear him apart, which probably won’t lead to anything good.

And he tries to stop himself, he really does, but eventually it overpowers him, and without even thinking he is stepping into Magnus’ space, crowding him in the small booth they're sitting at, running his fingers up at down his thigh.

“Alexander…” Magnus whispers, looking just as far gone and drunk as he is, “what are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” Alec replies truthfully, still unable to move away or stop touching the other man. His touches just grow bolder and stronger as he starts to run his hand up and down Magnus’ sides, at first over his shirt, then under.

Alec keeps his eyes on Magnus’ as he touches him, watching how Magnus moans softly and arches into his touches, and that just fuels Alec even more, making him launch forward and capture Magnus’ lips in his.

The kiss starts fast and hungry, and just grows even rougher and needier, as Alec pulls the smaller man flush against him, continuing his enjoyment of Magnus’ body with wandering hands, while Magnus runs his own hands through Alec’s hair.

They’re both moaning and panting into the kiss, as they lose complete sense of time or even their surroundings. All the noises and sounds fade away, and anything else that is not either of them, goes unseen as if they don’t exist.

Until a few of Alec’s overflowing brain cells, manages to register a bit of what is going on, pulling back abruptly, leaving Magnus to chase his lips. And when Alec scoots back on the booth bench, Magnus almost falls over, but manages to catch himself in the last minutes, no thanks to Alec.

“Shit, what am I doing?” Alec mutters, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

“What?” Magnus chokes out, looking just as messed up.

“I’m sorry Magnus, we shouldn’t have done that.” Alec tells him, grabbing a glass of water from the table, and downing it without care of whose it is.

“Alec, I -” Magnus tries, but Alec just shakes his head, and cuts him off.

“We can’t let ourselves get carried away like this.”

Magnus eyes go sharp and angry within seconds, then he is standing up and stumbling out of the booth, “you are unbelievable, you know that?” he mutters as he gets out, “fuck you.”

Then Magnus runs out the lobby bar as fast as he can in his drunken state.

When he regains his senses a moment later, Alec stumbles out again and runs to catch up with Magnus by the elevator. “Please don’t run away from me.” he sputters, leaning on the wall by the elevator as they wait for it.

“Alec, you keep saying that you’re confused and need some time, but then you kiss me and send mixed signals.” Magnus mutters angrily, as the elevator dings and they walk in, “then you even have the audacity to blame me, as if I was the one to come onto you.”

“It’s just… you're confusing me.” Alec almost whines, then looks up at Magnus, and how beautiful he is, even when he is all drunk and wrinkled from their make-out session, or maybe especially because of that. There is something extremely hot about Magnus being all messed up like that due to his kisses and touches.

And before he knows it, he is crowding Magnus up against the elevator wall, causing him to release a small “umph” from the impact on his back. Then he is diving in again, capturing Magnus’ lips in a soaring kiss.

When the elevator dings again, signaling their arrival on their floor, Alec pulls away yet again, panicking all over again, “shit, shit, I did it again.” he mumbles frantically, “Magnus I’m so sorry.”

But Magnus just glares at him, then walks past him and out of the elevator, muttering over his shoulder, “whatever, just let me be already.”

Then he is gone, and Alec rubs his face roughly trying to wake up his senses, but failing miserably. So he sighs heavily and walks off to his own suit.

**\---**

Alec wakes up the following day with a splitting headache, which only grows worse with all the noise and racket his siblings are making. “Shut up.” he grumbles barely audible, to no one in particular.

“Alec, come on, you need to get up!” Izzy calls as she comes into his room, “how is it that you’re the last one up? You’re always the first, and even Max is already up and ready.”

“Ahh my head!” Alec exclaims, curling up on his side and burying himself under the blanket.

He can hear Izzy snicker, then go on, “oh, you went for drinks with Magnus, I guess it’s a given that you came back wasted.” she said, sounding way too amused for Alec’s liking.

He looks up at her, then throws a pillow at her head, “whatever, leave me alone!” he says as firmly as he can muster.

“No can do, the bus leaves in an hour.” she informs him.

So Alec grunts and whines, but forces himself up and out of bed, jumping in the shower and hoping it will ease the pain. It doesn’t.

After, he accepts gracefully as Clary hands him a mug with steaming hot black coffee, then goes to slump on the couch to enjoy it and let it flow through him and do it’s magic. Once he’s swallowed down a few huge sips, he closes his eyes and leans his head back on the couch cushions.

“So he has you getting pissed now?” he hears Jace’s angry voice, cutting off his moment, and when he opens his eyes, Jace goes on, “seriously Alec? At this rate, he’s going to turn you into a drunken mess just like him.”

“Jace, please, not now.” Alec pleads, even though he has so many things to say to that, but no energy to actually get into it at this moment.

“Yes now, because later it will just be too late.” Jace stubbornly insists, “Alec, I’m sure he’s great and all, but is he really worth this?”

“Jace, I haven’t become a drunk just because one time  _ I chose  _ to drink a little too much.” Alec snaps, because apparently they are doing this now, ,and he is just too impatient, “he did not pressure me into any of this.”

“This is how it starts.” Jace persists, a little calmer and clearly still worried.

“Oh, you’re one to talk aren’t you?” Alec bites back.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Need I remind you of all the times you got pissed, of all your hangovers?” Alec points outs angrily, “or how about all of your one night stands with random girls?”

“Alec, this is different.” Jace insists through gritted teeth.

“No it isn’t.” Alec insists as well, “so stay out of it.”

“Okay, boys, please!” Izzy snaps at the both, calling their attention to her, “we have a bus to catch and this argument is getting out of hand.”

They both sigh as Izzy walks off and Jace grumbles a “fine, whatever” under his breath, then walks out of the suite, as Alec finishes off his coffee in one long gulp, then gets up and out as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, who here is also extremely confused now?  
> poor boys, they're both suffering... it is a very confusing and difficult situation. what do you guys think? should they take some time apart or stick closer together? please let me know your thoughts in the comments!
> 
> anyway, I'm looking forward to chapter 9, its one of my favorites!
> 
> see you next time!


	9. you're my guardian angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Malec in the making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there my lovelies!  
> thank you all for all the support and wonderful comments!  
> I know this story is angsty, and 'yall are having a hard time with it.  
> but thanks so much for bearing with me! this chapter is a bit more fluffy, so hopefully it helps ease the angst.  
> I would like to clear up, that it wont be only angst until the very end, and Malec will get together before. there will be angst until the end, but Malec will have happy moments throughout.

After leaving Alec at the elevator the previous night, Magnus sat in the bathtub filled with scalding hot water and Jasmine soap. His mind was spinning, but the pleasant buzz had long since disappeared, as he just sat there with the water up to his neck, head leaning back against the tub edge, and stared up at the ceiling.

Everything was numb, he could barely feel the water temperature, even though it was really high. Time passed without regard, it could have been an hour or two, maybe more, as Magnus just lay there completely motionless, only his thoughts kept racing. He hadn’t been that enamored by anyone in a long time - since Camille to be exact. But it was different, because Alec was sweet, caring and just a great person.

And Magnus couldn’t get him out of his head, couldn’t stop craving for him to be his. But clearly Alec didn’t want him as much. Which is to be expected, Magnus was a mess after all, and hasn’t much to offer really. Not to mention the gorgeous ex-boyfriend he had that seemed to be the total package, and wasn’t damaged.

Alec was attracted to Magnus, probably even wanted to fuck him, that much was clear as day. But Magnus hadn’t met many people that hadn’t wanted to sleep with him, the problem was that none of them actually wanted to stay after.

At first he was angry, pissed even, because how could Alec play with him like that? Tell him one thing but do the exact opposite… it’s okay to be confused, but Magnus just felt like he was being used, perhaps to fulfil a fantasy Alec had as a teen. But then he got thinking of the hollow shell he had become, at how that industry destroyed him, and the anger was redirected at himself.

How could he let it get that bad? Why had he never stopped his father from taking things that far? When he was a helpless teenager, that was one thing, but after that…? Magnus had lost so many people over the years because of it… close friends who were more like family to him than his father ever was.

It was the stick, the one shoved up his ass too deep. He got addicted, not only to alcohol, but also to the fame and money. He had grown up with close to nothing, and when he finally had more than enough money to get whatever he ever desired, he spiraled out of control.

Once he finally managed to peel himself out of the tub, Magnus threw up the content of his stomach into the toilet, then lay in bed, also staring at the ceiling, until he eventually managed to fall asleep, at least for a little while, finally shutting off his overworked brain.

Magnus was glad that by the time he had gotten down to his bus the next morning, the Lightwood’s had already drove off, preventing any further awkward encounters with Alec. and after Raphael escorted him into his bus, and walked off to his own, Magnus curled up on the couch with yet another bottle of gin. He stared out the window, at the passing views as they made their way to Houston.

  
  


And now, Magnus is making his way on stage to join the Lightwoods, coming face to face with Alec for the first time, after managing to avoid doing so since the previous night. He had prepared himself for the worst, planning on staying as far away from him as possible. But the moment he stepped out and Alec came into his line of vision, his hazels directed straight at him, everything was forgotten.

And wasn’t that the core of everything, that the moment he was around the younger man, nothing else mattered, because they were both there and they both got lost in each other. So when Magnus comes closer and the band starts playing the opening notes to their first song, there is the usual electrical pull between them, but somehow even more intense.

Alec steps closer, invading Magnus’ space like he physically can’t stay away, then he lifts the mic in his hand and starts singing the first verse, “Millions of years ago, the sky opened up, making way for the angels, descending upon earth…” Alec’s eyes remain on Magnus’ as his voice echoes through the NRG Stadium, “fighting the battles, man could not, invading darkest corners, banishing their demons…”

As they go on to sing the bridge and chorus together, they remain close, as if singing to each other. Which is fitting, because when Alec looks at him like this, Magnus can’t help but feel like the younger man is his guardian angel, descending to earth in order to banish his demons. It feels like they’re both in a bubble together, dedicating the song to each other.

Neither of them seems to notice as the song comes to an end, and Jace, Izzy and Max leave the stage, making way for Tessa, Jem and Will, who start playing the opening notes to their second song.

  
  


When Magnus was done singing his last six songs, the Lightwoods had already left the venue. It wasn’t rare for that to happen, most of the time they actually didn’t stay, because there really was no point for them to hang around, unless really necessary. But Magnus can’t help but feel the small sting, because the energy between him and Alec earlier, was extremely magnetic, more than ever before.

The sting disappears however, when Magnus returns to his suite and finds Alec waiting for him there. Raphael just rolled his eyes and retired to his own room, and as he walked back down the corridor, Magnus and Alec just stood staring at one another with dark eyes.

When Raphael is out of sight, they launch forward at the same time and collide with a small force, their lips latching together hungrily as hands pull and clutch. When they finally manage to calm down a bit, Magnus is quick to open the suite door. As soon as they make it through the threshold, Alec slams the door shut and Magnus’ back against it, his lips finding Magnus’ once again.

It isn’t long before they find themselves in Magnus’ bed, Alec’s large muscular body covering Magnus as he lay on his back, feeling safe and protected with the other man’s weight on top of him, laying between his legs, leaning on his forearms that are bracketing his head. Alec is staring straight into his eyes as he slowly pushes inside Magnus, his fingers threading through his hair gently, as Magnus’ hands hold on tight to his biceps.

Magnus can’t remember the last time he felt this secure and cherished during sex, or even in general for that matter. Alec was watching him with so much care he is almost drowning in it, and certainly getting addicted to it. He wants the moment to never end, to go on forever, because he knows that once they are done and the high is gone, so is Alec.

But if this is all he gets, if their first time is also the last, he will make the most of it, and immerse himself completely. So Magnus pushes all foul thoughts out and away, as best he can, and focuses on the intense, all consuming pleasure coursing through his whole body as Alec thrusts in and out of him, both kissing and touching every inch of skin they can reach.

Alec lowers himself, placing his arms under Magnus’ shoulders and holds on tight, as Magnus wraps his own arms around Alec’s shoulders and they both get lost in each other. In their skins rubbing together deliciously, in the tight, deep drag of Alec inside Magnus, their panting and moaning, and their scents mixing together into one, filling the space around them.

**\---**

When Magnus’ mind wakes up, slowly registering what is going on around him, the first thing he notices is how warm he is. He is so used to waking up cold, with his whole body almost shaking uncontrollably, because his body just ran naturally cold. The second thing he notices are the strong arms wrapped around him and the large body fitted across his back and legs. The third, is the soft breath brushing the back of his neck, spreading pleasant goosebumps along his skin.

Then he slowly pries his eyes open, scanning his surroundings first, then lowers his eyes to the arms wrapped around him. Alec’s arms. Alec. he’s still here, he hasn’t left yet. Why has he not left yet? Perhaps he just knocked out like Magnus and couldn’t wake up because of the exhaustion. 

Don’t get him wrong, Magnus absolutely loves that he’s still here, loves waking up in his arms. It probably already ruined waking up alone or with anyone else for him - from just once, but he can’t prevent the thought that it is unintentional - Alec probably hadn’t meant for this to happen, for him to stay this long.

Magnus slowly turns over in Alec’s arms, scanning his face, his relaxed features as he continues to sleep. Then Alec is taking a deep breath and stirring slightly, as his hand starts to blindly roam Magnus’ side, feeling up his naked skin. The wonderful sensation that spreads through Magnus causes him to close his eyes and submerses in it. When Magnus opens his eyes again, Alec’s eyes are already open, a small smile on his lips, “good mornin’.” Alec whispers in a sleepy voice, pulling Magnus in closer.

A small startled chuckle escapes Magnus’ lips as he surrenders to the younger man, melting into him completely, “good morning.” he replies with his own smile, while Alec buries his face in his neck and inhales deeply, causing Magnus’ eyes to roll back, as chills run through his entire being.

“We should get ready…” Alec mumbles into his skin, but makes no move to actually get up, “what time is it anyway?”

Magnus cranes his neck as he looks over at the clock on the bedside table, “it’s almost 10 am.” he informs, then snuggles back into Alec, “we still have two hours before the buses leave for New Orleans.” then with a pensive hum, “I’m actually surprised that Raphael hasn’t come barging in yet.”

“Let him come, we just won’t let him in.” Alec replies with a chuckle.

“He has a key.” Magnus informs him, “so that’s not actually possible.”

Alec straightens a bit at that, and looks at Magnus with an indignant expression, “isn’t that a bit… invasive?” he questions, sounding upset on Magnus’ behalf, and that makes warmth spread through Magnus, despite the heavy subject.

“Not according to my father.” Magnus replies, pulling Alec back closer, trying to distract him from the subject with small kisses to his chest. Alec goes willingly, but still huffs in annoyance. Magnus finds himself wanting to tell him about occasions of being watched in the shower, just to see his adorable reaction, but chooses not to, because that would probably ruin any chance he has at seconds from last night.

  
  


“We should order breakfast, I’m starving.” Alec announces as he stretches his limbs, while Magnus starts to sit up. He did get his seconds, and boy was it addicting, more than even alcohol. Not to mention how much better it is at numbing pain and clearing all thoughts and worries from his mind.

As Magnus watches Alec picking up the phone and ordering breakfast, he can’t help but wonder how long he has with him, because clearly this, whatever it is, has an expiry date. Either Magnus will inevitably screw it up somehow, or Alec will just get bored and realize he wants more than Magnus can offer. And that’s besides the fact that Alec is still clearly hung up on his ex, and still very much confused about it all.

“So I was thinking we can ride together to New Orleans.” Alec’s voice cuts off his train of dark thoughts, “and I was looking up things to do there, because we don’t have a show tonight, so I was thinking we could go to the French Quarter Festival.”

Magnus swallows thickly, wondering when his throat had managed to get so clogged up, “yeah.” he agrees in a whisper, “sounds good.”

When the breakfast arrives, Magnus takes bigger bites than usual, his stomach actually begging for food for once, as Alec sits close and distracts his mind from going back to the dark thoughts as they eat, with light conversations and small touches.

Raphael does come barging in as they are just finishing off the last of breakfast, “oh good, you’re not naked.” he states dryly, barely looking up from his phone, “the buses leave in half an hour, so make sure to be ready in 15.” at least his bodyguard is good at giving him his time with his fans.

“Thank you, Raphael.” Magnus tells him before the man hums and mumbles a ‘yeah, whatever.’ then leaves the room again.

“Well, he’s very…” Alec begins when Raphael leaves, but struggles to find the right words to describe the man.

“Colourful?” Magnus completes with a grin, then when Alec rolls his eyes and shakes his head, he adds, “I know, he is such a delight.” and that earns him a small chuckle.

After that, Alec leaves to finish getting ready in his room, and Magnus quickly packs up the rest of his stuff. He finds a bottle of gin on the couch and almost feels tempted to finish it off, but then strangely enough he realises that he doesn’t actually feel the strong need to. So instead he throws the bottle into his bag (because he’s not that stupid to think he won’t need it later), and closes it up with a small satisfied smile.

As agreed, Alec meets him on his bus, and Magnus struggles to understand how it can all feel so right, so fast. As he was passing the paparazzi at the entrance to the hotel, Magnus suddenly felt like he could actually deal with this, he could be strong, because Alec believed it, so it must be right. But shocking of all, as he met some of his fans, he couldn’t wait to get on the bus not so he could get to the bottom of his flask, but so he could get to Alec.

He had only gotten a small taste, and he was already addicted.

“So, we have five hours, what would you like to do?” Alec questions as he sets his bag down and looks up at Magnus with a warm smile. Magnus gets lost in it and it takes him embarrassingly long to reply.

“Oh, umm, well I have my laptop here…” he finally manages to stammer out, “we can watch a movie or something.” Alec smiles at him as if he is not a complete and total mess, and for a moment in time he allows himself to believe that it is true.

After snuggling up as comfortably as possible on the couch, with Magnus’ laptop on his lap, they scroll through the movies Magnus has on it, and finally settle on “singing in the rain” because it is one of Magnus’ favorite and Alec has never seen it, something that he is determined to fix.

A warm nostalgic smile finds its way to Magnus’ lips as the movie starts to play, and the opening song rings through the laptops speaker, “My mother and I used to watch this all the time, when I was growing up.” Magnus finds himself saying without thinking, “we used to watch it so much, I even knew it by heart.” suddenly it dawns on him that he hasn’t seen this movie since… well, since the last time he watched it with her. And the thought has him falling silent again, because he has already said more than he planned to and more than he ever liked to talk about the subject.

He can feel Alec’s eyes on him as he keeps his eyes straight at the screen, staring at the opening credits but not really seeing anything, “you never talk about her.” Alec whispers as if to himself, then tightens his hold on Magnus, then a bit louder he adds, “we can watch something else if you’d like.”

“No, I’m not going to let her ruin this too.” Magnus mutters through clenched teeth, it’s been a while since he had allowed her into his thoughts, and it never ended well.

He can see from the corner of his eye, that Alec is still watching him and looks like he is struggling, opening and closing his mouth a few times, then finally he speaks up, “But I can see that it’s bothering you, so -” he starts, but Magnus snaps quickly.

“I said no!” Magnus cuts him off sharply, then he closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. Then he finally looks back up at Alec, who has an expression on his face, which is a mixture between shock and hurt, and Magnus hates that he is the one that put it there. “Shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

But Alec shakes his head and says, “no don’t be, I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“But you didn’t, not really.” Magnus counters, looking up at him, “I just… it’s been a while since I spoke about her, and it always gets to me.”

“She hurt you, it’s understandable.” Alec says with a small smile, cupping his face with one hand, the other, holding on to both of his on his lap.

“She did, but it was all such a long time ago.” Magnus says quietly, a little annoyed at himself, “you’d think I could watch a freaking movie without thinking about her.”

“The people closest to us have the most power to hurt us, and do the most damage.” Alec tells him, stroking his cheek, “and I know how long lasting it can be.”

“Sounds like you’re talking from experience.”

“I am.” Alec confirms, and Magnus wants to expand on that, but Alec goes on before he can ask, “I know a thing or two about parent drama, so if you would like to talk about it, perhaps I could help.”

“Have you watched that film I made about my life?” Magnus suddenly asks, as if out of the blue, and Alec looks confused for a moment, but then says that he has, and Magnus goes on, “well then you know what happened.”

“Magnus, just because I watched a tell all movie about your life and seen you on tabloids and social media, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it from you.” Alec tells him with a serious tone, “I know very well that it is not the same, and you said it yourself, that it doesn’t mean that I know you.”

“She left me, there’s not much to it.” Magnus says with a shrug, not daring to voice the worst of it - that she left him with his father, knowing full well what a monster he is. Magnus sighs heavily and looks back at the screen, where Don Lockwood is now starting to tell his story while standing on the red carpet. “I’m sorry, I just don’t really want to talk about it.”

“That’s okay, we don’t have to.” Alec says softly, giving his hands a comforting squeeze.

“Thank you.” Magnus smiles at him softly, “your mother sounds so great from your stories.”

“She is.” Alec agree’s, “my drama is with my father.”

“Yeah, you never actually talk about him.”

“Well, it seems that we both have a parent that left us.” Alec states, a little dryly and more indifferent than what the subject actually begs for.

“He left you?” Magnus asks dumbly, not understanding how anyone could leave such a perfect creation.

“My parents used to fight a lot while I was growing up, I don’t think they were ever even actually in love. I asked my mum once, and she told me that they were both too young to be married, but both desperate to get away from their homes, apparently that was the only good way out they could think of.” Alec explains, and Magnus is now the one holding on to his hands, “eventually he just got fed up, not to mention, that he had a hard time coming to terms with having a gay son, so he left.”

“He’s an idiot.” Magnus blurts out harshly without thinking, mad at the man who dared to hurt Alec. “sorry.” he adds when he realises his harsh words.

“Don’t be, you’re absolutely right.” Alec assures him with a soft smile.

After that they decide that they have spent enough time talking and wallowing over parents that hurt them, that they are not worth the time ruined, so they go on watching the movie, enjoying the closeness and moment of peace.

  
  


The festival is packed with people when Magnus and Alec walk in, both wearing disguises, but Magnus doubts anyone would notice them anyway in such a huge crowd. Apparently it’s the last day of the festival, which is supposed to be the best one. Magnus is grateful either way, because it has been so long since he has done anything like this, something resembling normalcy, he can barely remember what and when it was.

There is a stage in what seems to be the main area of the festival, in the middle of a huge lawn, and on stage is a band called Ponchartrain Owls, playing jazz music. Magnus had always loved music in all its forms and ranges, but jazz has always been one of his favorites, he would dance to it with his mother all the time as a child.

And he may have never heard of this band, but they were incredible and fun, and they were just having a great time, which in his opinion, is what made a musician a great performer.

“Hungry?” Alec asks, cutting off his thinking.

“Starving.” Magnus replies without missing a beat.

The two make their way through the different vendors, and settle for a place called Red Fish Grill, both ordering the Famous BBQ Oysters dish.

“So what made you film that movie?” Alec finally asks, and Magnus finds himself chuckling, because he just knows that Alec has been dying to ask for hours.

“It was my father’s idea,” Magnus begins, as they receive their dishes, “he’s always made those kinds of decisions without my consent, but by then I was already quite vain, so I actually liked the idea.”

“Yeah but to expose yourself like that on your own will…” Alec counters, his voice trailing off.

“That is one way to look at it, but besides loving the attention, I wanted to be in control of how my life was exposed.” Magnus goes on with his explanation, “because it was just a matter of time before my life story was discovered, and I wanted to tell it my way before it got butchered and twisted.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I guess it makes sense.” Alec agrees and then bites into his food, humming appreciatively at the taste. Magnus bites into his food as well, and honestly can’t remember when was the last time he enjoyed food like this. He still ate in small bites, at least much smaller than Alec’s bites, and much slower, but he ate it all nonetheless.

After they finish eating, they walk through the festival and end up at the waterfront, while walking they actually do get recognised a few times, but surprisingly most of the people are too busy and excited with the colorful festival to actually make a fuss about them. Magnus finds it exhilarating to not have the fuss about him for once.

  
  


It is well past midnight, and Magnus is lying curled in Alec’s arms, more comfortable than he ever remembers being, but so far from being relaxed enough to fall asleep. They had the most perfect day together, and yet, Magnus can’t stop the thought that he doesn’t deserve this, and even more so, Alec should have so much better. Which begs the thought of what in the world the younger man actually sees in him, because there is not much left in him even resembling the man he used to be, the one Alec admired as a teenager.

Alec is breathing deep, his chest rising and falling as he holds Magnus close to him in his sleep. Magnus wants to keep him, wants to be selfish and drag him in deep, but he knows that he shouldn’t, and even if he did, he knows it is all temporary anyway, so he won’t stain Alec’s life for this, it is not worth it.

_ ‘Let him go.’  _ His mind tells him, ‘ _ before he inevitably lets you go.’ _

He almost leaves at that moment, but beside that fact that they are in his suite, he’s not ready yet to let go. He just needs a little more time, just a few more hours until Alec wakes up and has to go prepare for the show anyway.

He doesn’t sleep at all that night, just lays awake, held against Alec’s warm body. His small slice of heaven is cut short by Alec’s phone, which starts ringing sometime after 8am. Magnus thinks about reaching out and shutting it off, but then the younger man stirs, groans and wakes up from the tune, but not in time to actually answer the call. “Hey there…” he whispers in a raspy voice, when he notices Magnus is also awake.

“Hi.” Magnus whispers back, and Alec looks like he is about to say something more, but then his phone rings for the second time, causing him to groan again, then let go of Magnus and turn over to grab his phone off the bedside table.

Magnus almost whines at the loss of contact, but has no time to dwell on it, because Alec turns to him with wide eyes and chokes out, “it’s Andrew.”

This is it, this is their expiry date, and Magnus is not ready, he is nowhere near ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! Malec are finally sort of together... Magnus just needs to work on his insecurities, believe that Alec really wants to be with him.
> 
> what do you think? did you enjoy their little fluff bubble?


	10. when fire meets fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there is no escape, when fire meets fate.  
> Andrew wants to talk, and Magnus pushes away. Alec finally know what he wants with certainty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there lovelies,
> 
> chapter 10 here! can't believe it! and phew, what a ride it has been... so thank you for sticking with me.
> 
> anyway, I know you're all anxious about that call from Andrew, so I won't keep you waiting any longer... enjoy and please let me know your thoughts.

Andrew’s name is flashing on his phone’s screen, and Alec finds himself feeling confused and split, because seeing his ex-boyfriends name show up on his phone, has his heart racing. Just a few days ago, He has been dying to hear from him, missing him like crazy. But on the other hand, all that has been forgotten in the past couple of days, because now there’s Magnus, who had wormed his way into his heart as well. And as abruptly as it all happened, Alec is suddenly hit by that realisation. That he hadn't been mourning over Andrew like he thought he would. 

Alec looks over at the older man, still laying in the bed, watching him as Alec tells him Andrew is the caller, then Magnus sits up as well, looking just as taken aback, “oh.” he chokes out, clearly just as speechless as Alec. When the phone stops ringing for the second time, Alec looks down at it again, “shit.” he whispers, then without looking back at Magnus, he goes on stammering, “I umm, I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting him to call.” the younger man then goes to put the phone back down, because right now Magnus is more important.

But the rockstar stops him by placing a gentle hand on his forearm, “no, you should call him back.” he says softly, causing Alec to watch him with a frown. “It might be important.” Magnus suggests in a whisper, and Alec hates how awkward and strained it had all become, the mood flipping 180 so suddenly and so completely.

With a sigh, he nods and reluctantly stumbles out of the bed and struggles to get his sweats back on, while he can feel Magnus’ eyes pierce through him. “I’ll be back in a bit.” he says awkwardly when he is done, then leans over to Magnus on the bed and attaches their lips together in a long, lingering kiss. He doesn’t want Magnus to think that this call changes anything between them.

Eventually he manages to walk out of the room and into the lounge area, closing the bedroom door behind him. Andrew called him, the man who was the love of his life up until not long ago, he called him. Alec had been waiting for this moment, and now that it has come, he is in bed with another man. The most surprising part is that he has no regrets, the time he had spent with Magnus was nothing short of magical. When they had sex, it was already so much more than that, so beyond just the physical part of it.

The connection between them wasn’t like anything he had ever experienced, and he could feel the same electricity radiating off of Magnus. It was also sad in a way, because he could also tell that Magnus was not used to it, not used to being treated like the precious gem that he is. And that just made Alec more determined to show him how worthy of it he really is, it made him want to give him more and more. And as he thinks about it further, how perfect they fit and good he felt, all he wants to do is shut off his phone and go crawl back into the bed with Magnus, pretending like no one else exists.

He takes a few calming breaths, desperate to quieten his nerves and racing brain. He owes it to Andrew to call him back, he owes it to the both of them. They need that closure. But the thought of Magnus alone in the bedroom, thinking god knows what, has him moving his finger to the off button. But then the phone starts ringing again and Andrew’s name is flashing, and Alec can’t ignore him forever. And it also might be urgent.

So with another deep, calming breath, he answers, “Hey.” Andrew’s soft voice sounds at the other end, and Alec freezes at just that one word, “I’m so glad you finally answered.”

Alec is overwhelmed by the sudden relief that takes over his entire being, because he expected this phone call to go a completely different way. Out of all the scenarios he imagined, he thought that angry Andrew was the most likely. “Yeah, me too.” he finally responds, a small smile finding its way to his lips.

  
  


Once the call is over, Alec keeps standing there, in the middle of the lounge area, completely frozen and stuck in place as he stares into nothing. When he hears faint noises of movements coming from the bedroom, he suddenly snaps out of it and turns his head towards the bedroom door, “shit.” he mutters under his breath, because he just got himself in a serious pickle, and he really hopes that it doesn’t ruin any progress he made with his confusion.

He forces himself to turn his body and walk towards the bedroom, because he cannot postpone this any longer. And he just wants to go back in there and envelope Magnus again, make sure that he understands.

When he walks into the bedroom, he finds Magnus dressed in his robe, as he walks around the room and picks up the clothing items scattered around, along with all the pillows that fell off the bed. He lifts his head towards Alec when he walks through the doorway, “oh, hey.” he says, clearly trying to sound cool and collected, but failing miserably.

“So, I just spoke to Andrew.” Alec says lamely, internally slapping himself.

“Umm, yeah, I know.” Magnus murmurs back, hugging the throw pillow he has just picked up to his chest, and rocking himself slightly side to side, as if to soothe himself. And after a moment of tense silence, he braves, “so why did he call?”

Alec clears his throat and licks his lips, then finally, after a long intensive pause, he replies, “he wants to talk, face to face.”

“Oh, okay.” Magnus replies, averting his eyes, clearly avoiding Alec’s.

“He umm… he’s gonna meet me in Nashville, after the show tonight.” Alec goes on, then when Magnus doesn’t respond, he continues to ramble, “Look, I’m sorry Magnus, I know this is all screwed up, but I just really need to talk to him, there are too many loose ends between us. I need that closure.”

Alec watches Magnus as he speaks, even though Magnus’ eyes are firmly on the ground. He doesn’t expect the cold, guarded look he receives when Magnus finally looks up, or the words that he says next, “Good, I think that is a very good idea.” Magnus’ voice is distant and strange as he speaks, “I mean, he’s the love of your life.”

“No, Magnus, what happened between you and me -” Alec begins with a confused frown, but Magnus is quick to cut him off.

“It was really fun, and a great way to pass the time.” Magnus interject, speaking as if it was the most obvious thing, “I mean, it’s not real, we both know that.”

Alec’s frown deepens as he wonders where the hell this is coming from, because he was under the impression that it is very much real, “but I thought -” he tries again, but Magnus still won’t listen.

“Look, you and I both know that you belong with Andrew.” Magnus cuts in again, finally looking up at him, “you and I are just not meant to be.”

Alec is not stupid, he can tell that Magnus is putting on some kind of act, and a really good one at that. He hadn’t given Magnus much reason to believe that he would be picked over Andrew, but he thought he made himself clear enough for Magnus to know that he wasn’t just playing around. But if Magnus felt the need to push him away like this, maybe he shouldn’t push against it, because if he is so adamant on blocking him out like this, perhaps he didn’t want it enough. And it was a painful thought for Alec, because he finally thought he knew what he wanted. He wanted Magnus. And he knew that he owed it to himself, and Andrew, to have that conversation, to clear the air and end it for good.

“I think it’s best if you go now.” Magnus cuts into his thoughts, and Alec has whiplash from this sudden change. All from one phone call of barely ten minutes.

“Magnus, I don’t -” he tries, stepping closer to the smaller man, trying to embrace him. But was quickly pushed away roughly.

“I said go away!” and with that final demand, Alec has no choice but to leave.

**\---**

In the time between being kicked out by Magnus and ending the show in Nashville, Alec had tried multiple times to get Magnus to listen to him. But the other man just kept pushing him further and further away, and Alec just couldn’t understand what had happened. He was very clear that he just wanted to talk to Andrew for closure, nothing more. He tried to tell him that he wanted to be with him, and not with his ex.

But for reasons Alec couldn’t understand, Magnus just shut him out and refused to listen. Which sucked, because until he finally decided that he wanted Magnus and not Andrew, he couldn’t have him. Was it too little too late? Is that why?

After the show in Nashville, Alec heads to the hotel where Andrew is staying, a mixture of excitement and dread bubbling through him. When he knocks on the room door, after a small moment of hesitation, all the feelings inside him turn into reluctance, because surprising enough, this is not the man he wants to talk to right now. And that is a frightening and scary thought, he never believed he would feel this way towards Andrew. But it was also thrilling, because there was something so much more intense inside him, when he thought about Magnus.

When the door opens and reveals a smiling Andrew, Alec has to fight the urge to grimace, because he looks too excited. “Hey you.” the blonde man greets him, gesturing for him to come in.

“Hey.” he greets back, then accepts Andrew's hug after he walks in and closes the door behind him, “how are you?”

“I’ve missed you.” Andrew replies bluntly and suddenly, holding onto him tightly, “so much.” and the dread grows so much stronger, because this is a very sudden, unexpected turn of events. He was sure this was going to be a mutual, amicable closure. He pulls away quickly and steps back, so he doesn’t give Andrew any more false hope. Andrew looks a little taken aback by his action as they stare at each other in silence for a moment.“thank you for coming, I’m glad you agreed to talk properly.” the model finally breaks the silence.

“Yeah, me too.” Alec says with a shrug of his shoulder, “I hate how we left things.”

“So do I.” Andrew is quick to agree, “can I get you a drink?”

“Sure.” Alec smiles, then settles into the couch, and a moment later Andrew joins him, handing him a beer, “thank you.”

“Look, Alec, I feel like I owe you an apology.” Andrew begins, going straight to the point, “I just exploded on you for no reason, and left you. After all these years together, you deserved so much more.” he then lays his hand on Alec’s thigh, and he has to fight the sudden, surprising urge to shove it away.

Alec clears his throat and takes a sip of his beer, “It’s okay, you were hurting, I get it.” he finally replies, laying his hand over Andrew’s, giving it a quick squeeze, then pulls away. “And I’m sorry too.”

“Can we please try again?” Andrew blurts out, a little desperate, as he grabs onto Alec’s free hand, staring straight into his eyes with a hopeful look, “I can’t stop thinking about you, and I love you, I love you so much.”

Alec hesitates for a moment, then puts down his beer and rubs his face with his hand, the other one still between Andrew’s hands, “look, Andrew I need to tell you something.” he finally says.

Andrew smiles sadly at him and retreats his hands, “you’re with him, aren’t you?” he asks knowingly, but surprisingly not mad, just sad, and that just breaks Alec’s heart.

“Umm, no, I’m not.” Alec tells him (and it’s not a lie because him and Magnus hadn’t talked about it yet), and Andrew smiles at him again. Alec hates that his next words are going to hurt Andrew, but it needs to be said, “but, I did sleep with him,.”

Andrews eyes widen slightly, and he takes a moment to process that as he takes a deep breath and averts his eyes, “oh.” he manages, then looks back up at Alec, “but it didn’t mean anything, right?”

Alec cringes and looks away, then takes a long gulp of his beer, before finally admitting, “To be honest, it actually did mean something” Alec replies truthfully, looking back up at Andrew.

“Do you still love me?” Andrew’s question sends an electric shock straight to Alec’s heart, almost breaking it, because he knows that his reply will break Andrew’s.

“Of course I do.” he says gently, then take a deep breath before he goes on, hating the hopeful look on Andrew’s face, “I will always love you, but it’s just not the same anymore.” he can’t bring himself to say, that it’s due to his feelings for Magnus. That would just be cruel.

Andrew freezes for a long moment, taking deep calming breaths and clearly fighting off tears. “But we can make it work.” he eventually chokes out, “please, Alec, Baby, I don’t care that you slept with him.” he practically begs, wrapping his arms around Alec and trying to pull him closer, “I just want you back.” 

And for a short moment Alec finds himself hesitating. Magnus had pushed him away, clearly telling him to get back together with Andrew. Maybe if he does, he can forget about his feelings for Magnus and regain the ones he had for Andrew.

But just as quickly as that thought hits him, he shoves it away. Because that is just unfair for everyone involved. Firstly, for Andrew who doesn’t deserve to be strung along like that, he should be with someone who is fully in love with him and isn’t pining over someone else. Secondly, for Alec, because he wants to be in a relationship that he is fully committed to, with someone he has no doubts about his love for. And thirdly and most importantly, for Magnus, who was clearly pushing him away out of fear of getting hurt.

And that’s when it strikes him full force, and he just feels like an idiot for not realising it sooner. And just like that, any doubt in his mind he ever had is quickly gone.

Then he realises that the blond man is still clinging to him, waiting for a response. Oh, right. Shit. he got so lost in his thoughts of Magnus that he forgot about Andrew. “Please, baby.” Andrew pleads again, with puppy eyes and a sad voice that used to melt his heart, but now only causes him to want to roll his eyes in annoyance. 

“I’m sorry, Andrew.” he finally responds, pushing the other man away and standing up, putting distance between them, “You deserve someone who can truly love you, and that person is no longer me.”

“He has you brainwashed.” Andrew finally snaps, standing as well, “he is a trainwreck, Alec, and he will drag you down as well.” Alec looks at him with anger in his eyes, ready to fight, but then quickly realises that it’s not worth it. It’s a waste of time and energy, and no matter what he says, it won’t convince Andrew or ease his pain.

“I’m sorry.” he apologises again, “I have to go.”

**\---**

Alec practically runs down the street to their hotel, anxious and desperate to get to Magnus. He is terrified and nervous, but more than anything, he is excited and just wants to see the older man, and destroy that terrible notion of his that he needs to push Alec away. 

When he finally arrives, he pauses in front of Magnus’ door, taking a moment to calm down from his sprint. Then knocks loudly and quickly, and when he doesn’t get an immediate response, he continues knocking. After a good few minutes, Magnus finally opens the door, and the sight before him, has Alec pausing in awe. Magnus is makeupless and naked, wrapped up in the hotel robe. And the sad look in his eyes, which he clearly tries to mask, has Alec’s heart melting.

“Oh, hey.” Magnus greets him with a small frown, sounding surprised to see him, which completely breaks Alec’s heart, and all he wants to do is kiss them all away. Grab him by the robe and pull him closer, then get rid of that robe and show him just how precious he is. But he also knows that once he starts kissing him, he won’t be able to stop, and they need to talk first. “What are you doing here?” Magnus asks before Alec can snap back to the present.

“I um… I wanted to see you, we need to talk.” Alec stammers, struggling for words and cursing himself for probably saying the wrong thing, “can I come in?” Magnus bites his bottom lip and clearly hesitates for a moment, but eventually does move aside and lets him into the suite.

Alec walks in as Magnus closes the door, and when they both turn to face each other, Alec catches a glimpse of Magnus’ chest and frowns, quickly stepping closer, “why is your skin so red?” he asks in a worried tone, “did you get burnt or something?” Alec tries to move the robe a bit to take a closer look, but Magnus quickly flinches away.

“I just took a bath.” the rockstar tells him defensively.

Alec watches him, even more confused, “a bath?” he echoes quietly, “but -”

“I just like hot water, okay?” Magnus snaps, cutting him off.

“Magnus, you need to be careful.” Alec insists, because he realises how much deeper that actually runs, “you can hurt yourself, and - “

“Shouldn’t you be with Andrew?” Magnus cuts him off again.

“Magnus, I told you that I wanted to talk to him only for closure.” Alec explains stepping closer again, “yeah, he wanted to get back together, but -”

“You should. You should get back together with him.” Magnus cuts him off yet again, averting his eyes and fiddling with the straps of his robe. But Alec has had enough of this nonsense, and quickly closes the remaining gap between them and cups Magnus’ face, forcing him to look up at him.

“Look at me.” He whispers gently, and when those beautiful brown eyes finally land on him, Alec smiles softly and continues, “I don’t want to get back together with Andrew, I want you.”

“No, but you -” Magnus tries in a small voice, but this time it is Alec who cuts him off.

“No more buts, and no more pushing me away.” he says stubbornly, “I know that you’re scared, I’m scared too… and I’m so sorry for making you doubt this and for confusing us both so much, but Magnus, I want us to be together.”

“Alexander, you can’t.” Magnus also insists, “I’m such a mess, and you may not see it now, but one day you’ll -”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Alec cuts in, eyeing him, “I know you’re hurting, and that you’ve been stung in the past, but we will get through this. Together.”

Magnus shakes his head and tries to pull away, “Alexander I - “ he begins, but Alec won’t let him go and shuts him up with a searing kiss, wrapping his arms tightly and securely around him, causing the older man to melt into him and whimper slightly against his lips. “Alexander…” he says again, probably trying to go for scolding, but it comes out as more of a moan.

Alec grins into the kiss, “don’t fight it.” he whispers, “because I’m not going anywhere.” then he finally gets rid of that robe and shows Magnus exactly how much he wants him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay! Alec didn't give up and let Magnus push him away!  
> at first I actually did write it so Alec got back with Andrew, but it just felt wrong and too angsty already, so I changed it.  
> hopefully yall are happy that they're finally together.\
> 
> please let me know what you think!


	11. he is on my side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew comes back to do some damage... but will Alec fall for it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there lovelies!  
> thanks so much for all the wonderful support, it never ceases to amaze me!
> 
> so so sorry this took longer than expected... I kinda wanted to get this right, and I just had a few busy days, so I couldn't give it the attention it deserved...
> 
> this chapter is actually the first one I had written for this story! and I've been really excited to post it. it was actually very different at first, so much more angsty and dark, but I've decided it was too much and changed things up a bit. so it it still has some angst in it, but also more fluff than it originally had. and I'm actually so much happier with it now.
> 
> so I know you're kinda worried about the chapter summery, and Andrew coming back... so I won't keep you waiting any longer! hope you enjoy and please let me know your thoughts!

The room is pitch black, only a thin strip of moonlight is shining in through the small gap in the curtains of the bus window. Magnus is laying on his side in the queen size bed (built especially for him), watching the younger man sleeping peacefully next to him, also on his side, facing him. Magnus smiles softly, feeling a sense of tranquil he hadn’t felt in a very long time. 

The previous day, after they woke up in Magnus’ suite, they drove together to Atlanta, where they had a couple of hours to themselves by the pool, just lounging around, relaxing and enjoying each other’s company. After the show they got on Magnus’ bus for the night drive to Tampa, and enjoyed each other’s bodies again. It was pure heaven Magnus had never known.

One of Alec’s strong hands is wrapped around his waist, clutching onto him as if he is afraid the rockstar will run away in the middle of the night. Magnus is not used to it, usually he is the one clutching on, afraid to be left. But with Alec, he is slowly getting used to having someone who cares enough to stay. And it feels so damn good, it’s scary. Too good to be true. He has to consciously fight against his own toxic mind, to not convince himself that he will lose this, that it can’t be real.

Magnus reaches out with his hand to stroke Alec’s cheek gently, then his soft dark hair. God this man is more addicting than alcohol. And he’s Magnus’. He actually wants Magnus, choosing him over his blonde model boyfriend. And with that comforting thought, he finally dozes off, swallowed up in the best sleep he’s had in a while.

When he wakes up a few hours later, the bus is filled with sunlight, and the space beside him on the bed is now cold and empty. For a short moment, dread grows in the pit of his stomach. Straightening up and searching for Alec. how far gone had he been, that he had imagined Alec coming to him, choosing him and sleeping with him. It felt so real.

It was real. Magnus finds a small note on the pillow next to him, which he hadn’t noticed at first because of his little freak out. 

_ Good morning! _

_ I hate that you have to wake up without me, but my siblings needed me for soundcheck and rehearsal. But I will see you very soon. _

_ Alec. _

Magnus smiles like a giddy teenager and hugs the note to his chest, then looks over at the clock. Shit, it’s already 11:00 am. How did he sleep in so late and where the fuck is Raphael. He checks his phone, and finds a message from his bodyguard telling him to call him when he is ready and he will come get him and escort him into the Raymond James Stadium, where they will be performing tomorrow. The producers had asked them to come set up and do a sound check today though, because they wanted to take some footage of them, so they had to come here before the hotel.

Magnus lays his phone back down and goes to get ready, quietly humming to himself. He hadn’t woken up so light and happy in a very long time. And when he is finally ready to leave, he decides not to call Raphael, because he can make it on his own. Plus, he looked out the window, and the bus is parked inside the fence in the stadium parking lot, so all the fans and paparazzi are behind the fence and can’t ambush him.

When he approaches the door and looks out again, at the crowd that has gathered on the other side of the fence, the usual nerves inside him grow even stronger. He contemplates on whether or not he should call Raphael, but then looks towards the entrance of the stadium, it’s only about 30 meters away, he can do it. He hates always needing a babysitter, hates always being nervous and scared. But even after all these years, Magnus can’t prevent the pangs in his stomach and pressure in his lungs.

Magnus forces a few deep lungful breaths, then mutters, “come on, Bane.” he encourages himself in a low voice, “don't be so pathetic, you can do this.” With one last strong inhale and a shaky 'okay’, Magnus shakes his head and rolls his shoulders, puts on his hat and sunglasses, then opens his tour bus door, taking one step out and another down the top step, before freezing in his spot.

Andrew is leaning on the tour bus opposite Magnus’, with his arms folded over his chest, a sly smile on his face. He looks way too pleased with himself for Magnus’ liking, but he doesn’t want to make a scene or cause trouble, so he plasters a smile on his face as well, then walks down the remaining stairs. “To what do I owe this honor?” Magnus asks, trying and failing miserably to hide the spite in his voice. The last time he saw the model, he was insulting Magnus and threatening him. Not to mention, he was his competition for Alec’s heart.

With a disparaging huff, Andrew pushes himself off the bus, unfolds his arms and takes a couple of steps closer to Magnus, “Alec may have bought your pathetic act, but I certainly haven’t.” he says with a threatening tone, and Magnus has to force himself to stand his ground and not to take a defensive step back, “sooner or later he is going to see you for who you really are.”

After hearing his name being called in excitement a few times, Magnus glances towards the fence that surrounds the stadium, where a few fans are standing and taking photos of them from the other side. They were probably close enough to even hear their conversation. Magnus smiles and waves at them, then looks back at Andrew and removes his sunglasses so he can glare at him, “Look, I really don’t want to fight with you, neither of us meant to hurt you.” he says in a warning tone, desperate to prevent him from making a scene, and saying something damning in front of the fans.

“Stay away from my boyfriend.” Andrew speaks in a low and threatening tone, taking one more intimidating step forward.

Magnus rolls his eyes dramatically, still determined to hold his ground, “he is no longer your boyfriend, and he doesn’t want me to stay away.” he says in annoyance, then takes a few steps forward and tries to walk past Andrew, who stops him by grabbing his arm forcefully.

“I’m serious, you boyfriend stealing slut.” He snaps, a little too loudly for Magnus’ liking. The singer chances one more glance towards the fans by the fence, their phone’s camera lenses were still on them, next to them, there is also a small group of paparazzi, also taking pictures. Magnus then looks back at Andrew’s outraged expression.

“I wasn’t trying to steal him away.” Magnus insists quietly, but sharply, “not that it was too difficult, I mean, if you’re so threatened by me, perhaps your relationship wasn’t as strong as you think.”

Andrew’s hold on him gets stronger, his fingers digging into Magnnus’ arm, sure to leave marks. “That’s rich coming from you,” Andrew huffs out with a laugh, and Magnus tries to focus his gaze on anything else, “It’s not really surprising that your girlfriend cheated on you, is it? Even your own mother left you.” Magnus snaps his gaze up at him, surprised by the sudden change, and that he even knew, “yeah I watched that stupid film about you, poor little Magnus has to make a film to get people’s sympathy and love.”

“Shut up.” Magnus mutters, but to no avail, Andrew just goes on as if he hadn’t even heard him.

“Also your father doesn’t seem to give a shit about you, and Alec is basically with you to fulfill a fantasy so...” Magnus’ air is stuck in his throat, his brain short-circuits, his eyes just watching the model’s cold ones. “You really believe he can love you, don’t you? That’s cute. I mean, has anyone in your life ever really loved you? Probably not seeing as everyone always leaves you, because you’re just too much of a handful.”

Magnus can feel fresh tears stinging his eyes, the fans and paparazzi watching long forgotten, as he uses all the energy he has left to prevent them from spilling. He won’t let him see him cry, he won’t let him affect him. “Shut up.” he chokes out again, and curses his broken voice. 

But Andrew goes on yet again, “You’ve been so good at spreading your legs before, so why don’t you leave me and  _ my boyfriend  _ alone, and go open up for someone else.”

Somehow Magnus manages to pull his arm away, he gives Andrew one last sharp gaze, refusing to fall into his trap, and then begins to walk away towards the entrance of the stadium, wishing he had called for Raphael, and not been stupid enough to think he could do this alone. But he freezes yet again when Andrew’s voice calls after him, from behind him.

“You are just a meaningless fuck, Bane. an itch he has to get rid of.” Andrew's voice is dripping with wrath, clearly out to do as much damage as he can, “and that is all you will ever be, a pathetic, whorish itch. He told me he didn’t even enjoy it, that you were too loose from having your hole fucked so much.”

Logically, realistically, he knew it was a lie, that he was just trying to wind him up and make him hurt, but it was too much, that was it. Magnus fists his hands and can no longer stop his anger, he spins on his heels and marches back towards Andrew, who keeps on speaking, “so why don’t you do us all a favor and just disappear, or better yet - just die in a ditch some-”

Andrew’s words are cut off by Magnus’ right fist hitting the side of his left eye. “I said, shut up!” Magnus shouts, manically, just as running steps are heard from behind him. Andrew falls back to the ground, and Magnus immediately climbs on top of him, grabbing the collar of his shirt. Magnus lifts his arm and hits the same spot again. He is about to punch him a third time, but freezes and squeezes his eyes shut with dread, his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach as he hears Alec’s voice call Andrews name from behind him, then, “Magnus, stop!” Magnus doesn’t like the amount of anger in his voice, and even less that it is directed at him.

Then strong arms wrap around him and forcefully pull him off of Andrew, as he tries to pry out of them. But he quickly stops struggling against them when he realises it’s Alec. “Magnus, calm down, please.” the singer whispers in his ear in a surprisingly soft tone, instantly calming him.

Magnus then looks over at Andrew, who is basically putting on a whole show as he winces and whines in pain dramatically. He watches as Jace helps Andrew to his feet, with an extremely pained expression, which surely is unnecessarily exaggerated, Magnus is almost certain of it. “What the fuck, Bane?” Andrew shouts, “I have a huge photo shoot tomorrow.”

Alec keeps his hold on him, as he shifts his gaze between Magnus and Andrew, he looks confused and irritated, but at least the anger in his voice is gone when he speaks again, “what in the world has come over you?” he questions, his tone soft and bewildered, as if he would have never expected Magnus to act out. Which is a first. Usually this is very much expected of him.

“Alec, please I can explain.” Magnus pleads softly, even though Alec doesn’t seem to be refusing his explanation, “I swear I never meant to do it.”

“There is nothing to explain,” Andrew cuts in suddenly, dusting off his clothes and stepping closer, “he just attacked me out of nowhere, probably out of jealousy. You did it on purpose, didn't you? Trying to ruin my shoot?”

“No, I - I would never, I swear, I....” Magnus stammers, trying to get his thoughts in order, he is struggling and is afraid he won’t be able to get out of the mess he is in, “Alec, he’s lying, he said some things, he provoked me.”

“Why in the world would I ever do that?” Andrew asks in anger, before Alec could respond, “Seriously Alec? You know me, why would I risk ruining everything?” Andrew is watching Alec with such a puppy face, soft and caring eyes and voice, no one would ever believe he is the same person from a few minutes earlier, the same that insulted him so thoroughly.

“Alec, no I- I’m so sorry.'' Magnus begins, his voice a little broken and shaky, how had he gotten into such a mess again. Why was drama always finding him even when he wasn’t searching for it.

“I know, it’s okay.” Alec comforts him, still holding him close and Magnus is overwhelmed by the trust and care he is putting into him - surely the second shoe is bound to drop. The younger man then turns to his ex-boyfriend, “Andrew, what are you even doing here?” he asks him, and it seems like he is trying to sound as kind and as patient as possible. But Magnus can tell that he is somewhat annoyed by his presence. 

“Alec, I had to come here to fight for you, for us, I can’t just give up after all these years.” Andrew tells him desperately, grabbing onto Alec and pulling away from Magnus, “he will ruin your life, I can’t let that happen. I mean, look how violent he got with me for nothing.

“It wasn’t for nothing!” Magnus snaps, stepping closer and grabbing Alec’s arm. Andrew is about to respond, but Alec is quick to step away from them both and cut him off.

“Enough!” he growls impatiently, Magnus had never seen him lose it like that, and he doesn’t like it at all. He wants to go over and comfort him, hold him, but he knows he needs his space. Alec pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes, as he takes deep calming breaths. Then when he is calm enough, he opens his eyes with a sigh and looks at the blonde man, “Andrew, I think you should leave.” he says simply, no further explanation needed.

Without waiting for a response from a clearly shocked Andrew, Alec then turns to Magnus and pulls him by the hand towards the stadium.

When they’re securely inside the stadium, in a quiet corner down one of the halls, Alec finally stops and faces him. “Alexander, I’m so sorry, I -” Magnus tries in a small voice, scared of Alec’s reaction now that they no longer have an audience. But is surprised when he is cut off by the younger man stepping into his space and cupping his face.

“Are you okay?” Alec asks him softly, scanning his face carefully, then gazing deep into his eyes, searching for the truth, as if he already knows Magnus will wave it off.

“I’m fine.” Magnus whispers automatically, still in a state of shock.

“What did he say to you?” Alec demands softly, and Magnus suddenly snaps to attention and frowns, because it just dawns on him that Alec was actually listening to him. Alec didn’t believe Andrew, he believes Magnus. “Magnus, what did Andrew say?” Alec presses further, when Magnus doesn’t respond.

“I umm… you believe me?” Magnus questions dumbly, still shocked.

Alec smiles softly and chuckles, “should I not?” he asks, sounding amused.

“No… I mean, Yes, I mean...” Magnus continues to stammer, then calms himself down with a few deep breaths, “he just said some things, I know he was upset and just trying to provoke me, but I shouldn’t have -”

“What did he say?” Alec cuts him off yet again, still insisting, so Magnus sighs and gives him a short recap, trying to keep it as brief and clean as possible. Alec is giving him a knowing look, but thankfully doesn’t push him further. “Ï’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve that.” Alec tells him, pulling him in close, “I’ve never seen him like that, he’s always been so nice and gentle.” Magnus just shakes it off and kisses him softly, all that matters is that Alec believes him.

**...**

After that day, things only get worse for Magnus, not with Alec though, with Alec everything is perfect, almost like a too good to be true dream. But after the scene with Andrew, it was quick to become public, just like Magnus feared. At first, word spreads between the Lightwoods and Co. and his own band, then the crew, most of them avoiding him, because apparently Andrew’s word is worth more. It had taken less than a day for the whole place to be swarming with the rumors, spreading from one to the other. 

Magnus managed to tune it out at first, especially with Alec by his side - which is all he needs, but it just kept getting worse, especially when he no longer felt like anyone but Alec believed him. Maybe Izzy and Max also did. But everyone else didn’t, and who could blame them? Magnus does have quite a colourful reputation that precedes him. 

Then it went from bad to worse when pictures of him hitting Andrew started to surface all across the media and internet. Fans began to shame him on all platforms, causing the tension on the tour to only intensify. Which is only made worse by all the rumors that claim Magnus had broken Andrew and Alec up. Which is a complete disaster, because apparently they have thousands (if not millions) of shippers.

It has been two days since it all began. Only two days, and Magnus’ whole career is on the line because of one stupid fight, which wasn’t even his fault. But no one really believes him, no one is willing to listen - all of his attempts to make it right through social media, are immediately shunned out by all the haters. He has just gotten his name off of the tabloids, and it is already back on them, and he hates it. He can’t remember why he ever liked it, how he ever got addicted to it.

There is a lot of whispering going on behind his back, ones which immediately stop as soon as he walks into a room. Thankfully though, Alec is with him through it all, comforting and keeping him strong through it all. As much as he can at least.

Magnus is laying on the roof of his tour bus, at the end of the Miami show, his arms folded under his head, as he stares up into the dark night sky. The singer has long lost track of the time and no longer has any idea how long he has been laying like that. It doesn’t really matter anyway, he is the last one there and he has nowhere he has to be. Alec wanted him to go out with them, but Magnus needed some quiet time on his own, to process everything.

Besides the fact that going out meant risking getting caught on camera again, and Magnus needs a break, to avoid that as much as possible.

So reluctantly Alec went out with the rest of the Lightwood and co. clan, and despite being the one who decided to stay behind, Magnus can’t help but feeling left out. They had even invited his band, Tessa, Will and Jem. His band mates and ex-friends, who wouldn’t hangout with him, but love going out with the Lightwoods.

Magnus knows it is only going to get worse, it is only a matter of time before the producers of the tour and record company are no longer willing to put up with him and all the shit he created, no matter how big his name is. He also knows that his father would surely show up soon and unleash on him as well, he has already texted that Magnus will be ‘taken care of’ as soon as his father is done with damage control.

And Magnus is completely petrified.

**...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so before you yell at me - just know, that originally, Alec was supposed to be back with Andrew and didn't believe Magnus... but then I thought that that made absolutely no sense! there is no way in hell Alec would actually do that. so I left the scene, but had Alec choose Magnus, because that just makes so much more sense. not to mention how much 'yall have been begging me to have Alec and Andrew break up! so I guess I just had to get it out of my system, and once it was on black and white I could see how wrong it was.
> 
> and who the hell would ship Andrew and Alec, right?? but don't worry, the fans will discover the wonders of Malec soon enough... and Andrew true colours will be revealed. I mean, how terrible is he right??? but did you like how Alec reacted? he was such a badass!
> 
> please let me know your thoughts, they are always welcome and much appreciated!


	12. hanging by a thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asmodeus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies!
> 
> it has been quite a while since I last updated, and I'm sorry for my disappearance, I just haven't been feeling quite like myself, and just needed some time. but you guys have been so great and supportive and it really warmed my heart so so much! so thank you for being so understanding. 
> 
> anyway, I'm back now full force and I have a new chapter for you... I know you guys are exhausted from all the angst, and so was I... it was part of the reason I needed a break from this story, it was too much for me to handle while I was having a rough time anyway. and I didn't want to change the chapter and story completely, because this is an angsty story and I have a very clear line for it from the first moment I started writing it. so please bear with me, and I hope you hang in there just a bit more... 
> 
> so enough with the rambling, and without any further ado... chapter 12!!!

No matter how much he drinks, Magnus’ mind refuses to forget the words written to him by his father, and his heart wouldn’t stop pounding in pure terror. He’s been at the receiving end of his father’s wrath for many years, and he knows all its forms and intensities. But they seem to have reached a new, all time high level, Magnus had yet to encounter. And who could really blame Asmodeus? Magnus is making a huge mess of all the hard work they both put into his career. 

What made it worse, was the more and more photo’s of him punching Andrew surfaced, along with hate comments. The rockstar has of course his own fan base, which is extremely strong and supportive, but even some of them had a hard time defending him in the face of this scandal.

After peeling himself off of the bus’ roof last night, Magnus stumbled his way back to the suite, curling up in the bed with a bottle of gin and the TV playing in the background. He wasn't watching, but it was too quiet without it. Alec had messaged him a few times during the night, while he was out, to check up on him. Magnus had replied to the first one, ignored the next couple ones, and was too out of it for the last ones. 

Sometime past midnight, there was a loud knock on the door, but the rockstar didn’t budge. Then Alec’s voice echoed through it, calling him. But Magnus still didn’t budge, lying motionless on the bed, staring at the ceiling, hoping the younger man would think he had just fallen asleep, and leave. After a few more tries the younger man conceded and left.

Magnus sighed in relief - because he didn’t want Alec to see him like this, not to mention he was too out of it to really comprehend - then curled up with his gin bottle, desperately trying to numb the fear and pain. But no matter how far gone he was, he still couldn’t forget what a screw up he is. And how he is just dragging Alec down with him, and that is the last thing he wants. He doesn’t care about ruining his own career - he had given up on it a year ago, and already planned on leaving the limelight - but he didn’t want to destroy Alec’s reputation, especially at the beginning of what is sure to be a wonderful career.

He had long lost sense of time, so some unknown time later, he heard rustling outside his suite, then the door clicked and opened. Magnus panicked for a moment, his breath catching, hoping and praying his father hadn’t decided to show up unannounced (no matter how irrational that thought was). But then he heard Alec’s voice calling his name, and seconds later he was standing at his bedroom’s doorway.

“Alexander? How did you get in here?” he asked, well, more like slurred.

Surprisingly enough, the younger man understood him just as well, “I got the key from Raphael.” he explained, and when Magnus continued to watch him as if he completely fell of the moon, clearly making no advance to respond, Alec went on, “I was worried about you, and for good reasons it seems like.”

“I’m fine.” Magnus spoke in a manner that suggested the complete opposite, and Alec of course caught on and tried to protest, but all Magnus could think of was that he was poisoning this gorgeous, young man’s life. “I said I’m fine, Alec!” he eventually snapped, catching Alec off guard, causing him to pause and stare at him dumbfounded. “You should go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Alec said stubbornly, “I know that you are just trying to push me away.”

“I am just trying to get some rest.” Magnus retorted in a harsh voice, then shouted, “I don’t want you here, now leave!”

Alec froze for another short moment, then nodded slowly, “fine.” he snapped, because even he has a limit to his tolerance and patience, and of course Magnus was the one to reach it. And with that simple, frustrated response Alec left.

Magnus spent the rest of the night dosing in and out of sleep, never managing to really get any proper rest. So he got out of bed at 7am, which is way earlier than anyone else is expected to be up, especially after their night out. Then he called Raphael, and after soaking up the multi-language curses, he requested to start the drive to Orlando already. 

And here he is now, alone on his bus, barely conscious, staring out the window, at the passing views, finally feeling a bit numb.

After spending the drive to Orlando and the whole day locked up in his suite alone, Magnus makes his way to his dressing room and waits until Cat arrives for his hair and make-up.

Magnus has been feeling weak and dizzy for days already, but he pushes past it, forcing himself to ignore it, so no one has anything else to fault him for. The last thing he needs at the moment is to call in sick and cause a huge set back in the tour’s schedule, and even worse - disappoint the fans.

So Magnus pulls himself together and opens the door for Cat when she arrives. They barely speak as she does him up, and he appreciates that she doesn’t push him for answers or explanations. Cat may still be hurt and angry at him, but she was never one for hate or hold grudges and out of all his friends she was the very last to leave, and even now, was the only one who even remotely cares.

Once he is done, he walks out and finds his father walking down the hall towards him, shouting his name in rage, “Magnus!”. As per his string of bad luck, the lightswoods and co. are hanging out not far, including Alec - who looks extremely worried - all of them ‘discreetly’ looking their way. But Magnus tries his best to ignore them, mustering up all the courage he has left to face his father.

Asmodeus does not look happy at all, in fact, Magnus is not sure he has ever seen him so pissed. “You good for nothing, waste of space!” his father growls, grabbing roughly at his arm, pulling him back towards his dressing room, “how many more times are you going to screw up?” Magnus isn’t stupid enough to reply, just lets himself be dragged. As they approach the door to his dressing room, Magnus chances a quick glance at the Lightwoods, just as they begin to scatter to the stage.

Alec catches his eye for just a fleeting moment, his hands are fisted and he looks just about ready to pounce, but luckily his siblings are holding him back - because clearly, attacking Asmodeus Bane is a terrible idea. Magnus wishes he would come to his rescue, but knows it would be stupid (not to mention the Lightwood’s need to be on stage in a minute), so he shakes his head to him in warning, then next thing he knows he is being shoved inside the dressing room and the door is slammed shut behind them.

“What in the world were you thinking?” his father shouts, finally letting go of his arm, “have you any idea how much damage you have done? The producers are talking about having you kicked off tour.”

Magnus’ eyes shoot up quickly, “what?”

“The producers said they would lose more money keeping you on, than kicking you off the tour, because no one is going to want to watch you.” Asmodeus hisses, pointing a finger at his son. “I hope the sex was worth it, because you quite literally screwed your career away.”

“It’s all a misunderstanding.” Magnus says desperately, “he provoked me, said some terrible things to get me to react.”

“Well, it seems like he is not such a dumb blond like he looks.” Asmodeus says, almost looking impressed, “he has been pushing to have you removed for a while, I guess he might finally get his wish.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” Magnus feels sick to his stomach.

“There was no point until now, they didn’t want to kick you off, you were off the charts.” Asmodeus explains, “but then you went and ruined yet another good thing, so… there’s that.”

“So, what now?” Magnus questions, surprised at the disappointment and dread bubbling inside him. He didn’t want this tour to begin with, why was he suddenly so regretful about losing it?

“I tried everything I could, they are willing to give you one last performance to see how it goes, but it doesn't look good.” Asmodeus walks back towards the door, “I need to go speak to more sponsors and agents, see if there is still anything to salvage.” and without another word, the door is opened and closed shut behind his father’s retreating form.

Magnus rushes to the toilet and falls to his knees, bile rising up and emptying into the toilet bowl. It isn’t the first time that week and there was barely any content left in his stomach, basically just fluids. He spits out the residue in his mouth, then leaned back against the wall and pulls his knees to his chest, burying his head between them.

Deep soul crushing sobs escape his lips, as his chest heaves painfully, heavy tears streaming down his face. Magnus shoves his fist into his mouth and lets out a broken cry that was sitting on his lungs and almost crushing them. He can feel a tingling sensation at the tips of his fingers and toes as he struggles for breath.

“Shit.” he mutters hoarsely, trying to stand up, but quickly falling back down on his hands and knees. He knows that he will be called onto the stage soon, which only causes his panic to grow. He leans back on his heels and presses his right hand down on his chest and focuses his gaze on one spot on the wall, forcing himself to even out his breathing.

When he finally manages to stand, he is horrified by his reflection. Cat is going to murder him. He is just about to go to call her, when a knock followed by a ten minute warning is heard. “I’ll be right there.” he calls out, after clearing his throat. He then pulls out his phone and dials Cat’s number, “I need your help.” he says in a small, broken voice when she answers.

Two minutes later she is back in his dressing room, “Oh sweety.” She says softly as she walks in and sees him, “come here, let me fix you.” she gestures toward his chair, and he obeys silently, staring dazedly straight ahead.

“I’m sorry, Catherina.” he says weakly, still feeling choked up.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind fixing it.” she replies in a sweet voice, and he’s glad when she doesn’t roll her eyes, sighs in exasperation, or complain about fixing him after another tantrum.

“No, I mean… well, yes, for that too…” Magnus rambles, earning a confused frown from Cat through the mirror, “I’m sorry for how I treated you, for all the things I did and said. I know it’s all a little too late, but I’ve just… I dunno, it’s been weighing on me lately, and I just needed you to know.”

Cat smiles softly at him as she continues to fix his make up, “how about we talk about it all once you’re done?” she offers kindly, “this seems like a conversation for a time when you’re not due on stage.”

“Yeah, okay.” Magnus smiles back at her, and actually feels ten tuns lighter, because finally he is making at least some progress with someone.

  
  


When he walks backstage, he is met with annoyed and impatient reactions. “Finally!” one of the crew members calls out, “nice of you to grace us with your presence, the Shadowhunters had to add a song to their set to cover for you.” Magnus bites down harshly at his lower lip, forcing himself not to ruin Cat’s make-up again. He wants to ask why it really matters if they were planning on kicking him off the tour anyway, but knows better than to voice it. So he just mutters an apology and grabs the mic, then walks on stage.

The Lightwoods are all sweaty and breathing heavy, as he walks out to join them, Magnus chances a glance at Alec, but to his surprise, Alec doesn’t look angry or annoyed by his presence, he actually even looks concerned.

After that, Magnus tries with all his might to avoid eye contact, but he couldn’t completely avoid that when they are singing a song together on the same stage. Magnus feels the anger bubbling inside him, replacing the guilt and shame he had been feeling the whole week. Why should he be the one isolated? Why should he feel so guilty, when everyone automatically assumed the worst of him, and no one but Alec was even willing to hear him out.

Despite his great efforts, Magnus keeps screwing up his lines, at first as a result of his new found revelations and anger, but slowly the dizziness is getting stronger, so much so that he can barely focus. Fortunately, the crowd is too hyped or maybe high and drunk to really notice, or so it seems. At one point, between songs, Alec has to grab both his shoulders to steady him, “Are you okay?” he asks.

Magnus is quick to pull away as if he was burnt, even though it is extremely difficult, “yes, I’m fine.” he insists, then avoids him for the rest of their second song together, despite the younger man’s attempt to catch his attention.

Then it was time for Magnus’ solo act.  _ Just a few more songs and you're done _ , he thinks to himself, fighting against the fatigue, forcing himself to go on. He downs a bottle of water, then another two throughout the next few songs. They weren't anywhere near his usual energy, but it was much better than he imagined when he stepped on stage.

It is during his last song when the stupid idea comes to him, he doesn’t really have a choice as it is his usual closing move, and his fans are chanting for it, “Jump! Jump! Jump!”

So he looks towards the amplifier at the front of the stage, trying to mentally prepare himself, as he chants in his head that he can do it, he had done it many times before.

He knows it won’t end well, but he does it anyway, ignoring all of the warning signs as he jumps up onto the amplifier, he tries to steady himself, but he just feels too weak, his body refusing to go along with his stubbornness.

As he is about to jump up, in his usual style, despite the dizziness, Magnus looks down to the ground, his head spinning out of control as the stage floor suddenly begins to become closer. He tries to reach out for the speaker-pole to steady himself, but it is already too late.

**...**

Alec reluctantly walks away from the stage, from Magnus. Although things are quite awkward at the moment, and Alec was still upset with him for his behavior last night, he also can’t help but feel concerned. Magnus looked like he was about to be sick, or collapse. And he can push Alec away all he wants, but the younger man isn’t planning on giving up so easily. The only reason he left last night was because he knew that there was no point in pushing. Magnus wasn’t in a state to listen, and quite frankly, Alec wasn’t in the right mind either. So he would’ve done more harm. 

The more time passed since the fight, the more Alec wanted to talk to Magnus and clear the air - knock some sense into him, because he feels like something was wrong, and that doesn’t sit well with him. But Magnus was good at avoiding him and ran off that morning, then hid away all day.

And he misses Magnus, so much, and he just can't ignore the desperate yearning he feels. He had to force himself to remember quite a few times, that Magnus was just going through a rough patch, that he needs time to process and deal. But he hated that there doesn’t seem to be anything he can do to make it better, not to mention - Magnus doesn’t seem to want him to make it better.

Alec joins the rest of the band outside the backstage area, sitting down on one of the benches next to Izzy. “Is he okay?” she asks quietly so only he could hear. Alec glances at her and shakes his head, she looks just as concerned as he feels.

“I don’t know, he just keeps pushing me away, and distancing himself.” Alec replies in frustration, rubbing his face, “especially after his talk with Asmodeus.”

“This is so screwed up, I hate that he is getting all the heat for this.”. Izzy says a little louder, causing Jace to look up at them.

“He brought this on himself.” Jace says fiercely, which in turn catches everyone else’s attention, “I mean he literally caused a whole media feud, just like the drama queen we all already knew he is.”

“Jace!” Alec warns, piercing his eyes at his brother.

“What? You should be even more pissed, it’s your boyfriend he hit.”

“Andrew is not my boyfriend anymore.”

“But has anyone besides Alec actually spoken to him?” Max asks suddenly, in clear disgust of them all - including himself, “I mean, has anyone even bothered to ask him what happened, or had we just assumed he was entirely to blame.”

They all stay silent for a moment, the mood has become completely serious and heavy with tension. “You’re right, maybe we should?” Izzy speaks up, breaking the silence that has become uncomfortable, “maybe we should talk to him, give him a chance to explain. I mean, we haven’t excluded him, but we haven’t tried enough either, we sort of just...”

“Accepted it?” Clary completes her sentence when she trails off.

“Is there really any point?” Jace asks, still adamant to blame Magnus, he hadn’t liked him to begin with, “He was caught in the act after all, and I can’t imagine there is anything Andrew could have said to deserve a punch, we know him for years, he could barely hurt a fly.”

“Yeah, that is true.” Max agrees, “I mean I love Magnus, but how well do any of us really know him? He may be friendly, but still always so distant, never lets anyone in. Plus, he already had a bad boy image, it’s far from his first time getting aggressive on camera.”

“You have no idea what you are talking about!” Alec snaps, having heard enough. He wants to tell them that he in fact does know Magnus, better than anyone there, and he is a beautiful human, inside and out. But he never got the chance to, because Jace immediately cut in again.

“Andrew would have no reason to lie about it, and it’s not like Magnus was making any effort to defend his actions.” Jace says, causing Alec to boil in anger even more, “he just folded into himself, if that isn’t guilty, then I dunno what is.”

Alec is just about ready to explode, when suddenly a crash echoes from the direction of the stage, followed by silence, then a loud commotion.

“That did not sound good.” Clary says, clearly shaken.

Alec immediately stands, “no it definitely didn’t.” Alec agrees, then speeds off running towards the stage.

There is chaos on the stage, the paramedics already there, but there are too many crew members crowding around, so Alec can’t see what is going on. He pushes his way through and fills with dread when he sees who the paramedics are tending to.

Two crew members were straightening up a speaker pole, as two paramedics were checking a knocked out Magnus, laying on the ground unmoving, a huge gash on his forehead, oozing blood. “Magnus!” Alec calls out in a panic as he tries to make his way to him, but is stopped by the stage manager.

“Alec, please stay back, let them work.” the stage manager says as he grabs Alec’s shoulder.

“What the fuck happened?” Alec yelled frantically.

“Magnus fell off the amp, he hit his head on it and the pole fell over him.” the stage manager explained, “not sure what happened, he just lost his balance.”

In the distance he can hear ambulances sirens, as Alec desperately calls out to Magnus, his voice breaking, “Magnus!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, that was rough. I tried to add a little of hope to this, but I guess this chapter was doomed to be angsty. but at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel, because Cat is finally willing to listen and forgive, and Alec is adamant and not willing to give up.
> 
> so what do you guys think?


	13. I can't do this anymore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus is taken to the hospital, and Alec stands up to Asmodeus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there my lovelies!
> 
> so sorry this is late, I didn't want to post it until I was 100% with it, and it took me a bit longer to edit it properly. so hopefully it came out okay.
> 
> thanks again from the bottom of my heart for all your lovely messages and comments and kudos, you are truly amazing!
> 
> anyway, I know I left you in suspense, so I won't hold you up any longer...

“I’m sorry sir, but if you’re not family, I cannot give you any information.” the nurse repeats like a parrot, causing Alec to slam his hand on her desk in frustration, yelling “damn it!”, which makes her jump and take a cautious step back, her eyes wide.

“Well, he doesn’t have family.” Alec grits, fuming, “I’m his boyfriend, and -” just then a loud, deep voice growls and echoes through the waiting room.

“Where the fuck is my son?” Alec turns to find a pissed looking Asmodeus, walking towards the nurse he had just spoken to with hell fire burning in his eyes. The intimidating man looks about ready to start a war as he completely ignores Alec’s presence and shouts at the nurse again.

“What is your son's name?” the poor nurse questions, in a small voice, cowering as she takes her seat. Asmodeus looks even more annoyed, staring her down as if she had just landed from the moon, and how dare she not know?

Alec watches as the man sighs in frustration, muttering under his breath about about her uselessness and incompetence, then hisses at her impatiently, “I don’t know which rock you have been living under, but my son is Magnus Bane.” he pauses and watches her as she scrambles to type the name into her computer system, “today if you will.”

“Your son is in room 104, it is down the hall to the right.” she finally responds in a trembling voice. “The Doctor is checking on him now.”

When Asmodeus starts to walk down the hall without another word, Alec quickly follows, “mr. Bane.” he calls out, and when the man doesn’t respond or show any signs of slowing down, he continues, as he walks beside him, “my name is Alec Lightwood, I’m -”

“I know who you are.” Asmodeus cuts him off, still not looking at him, “you’re the boy who is ruining my son’s career.”

Alec opens and closes his mouth a few times, having no idea how to respond to that. He clears his throat awkwardly, then, “I’m sorry, I know things got out of hand.” he mumbles, cursing himself for not being more assertive.

“Oh well, at least you’re sorry.” Asmodeus' voice drips with sarcasm, and before Alec can respond, they reach Magnus’ room, and the man barges in, almost pouncing at the doctor, who was just about to leave, but pauses when Asmodeus growls at him, “I’m his father, what’s the damage this time?”

Alec ignores Asmodeus in favor of his boyfriend, who looks so small and fragile as he lays in the large hospital bed, attached to a heart-monitor and an infusion, with a large white bandage wrapped around his forehead. But at the same time he also looks the most peaceful Alec has ever seen him, which is also quite heartbreaking.

“He was awake when he came in, but we gave him some sleep medication due to the pain and restlessness.” As the younger man sits by the bed and holds onto the smaller man's hand, he hears the doctor in the background, explaining Magnus’ condition to his father, “he has a mild concussion, which will likely cause some confusion and headaches when he wakes up. He was also very dehydrated and malnutritioned, so we’ve attached a drip, but as soon as he wakes up he needs to eat and drink properly.”

“And when can I get him out?” Asmodeus questions impatiently, and Alec watches intently, hoping the doctor will tell him off.

“I’m sorry, but it is difficult to say, he will probably wake up in the next few hours, then we have to keep him at least overnight, maybe more, depending on the state in which he wakes.” the doctor explains with a concerned look.

“Well, doctor, he has to perform in Columbia the day after tomorrow, and he has five performances after that.” Asmodeus informs, as if his son isn’t lying unconscious in a hospital bed, “and after that he has the GLAAD awards.”

“Mr. Bane, even if your son wakes up and is released tomorrow, it is not recommended that he do any kind of performance.” the doctor says in a stern voice, clearly in shock and horror, “in fact, the alcohol level in his body, and the lack of proper nutrition suggest that he should be getting serious professional help.”

“I am his father, and I will decide what he needs.” Asmodeus growls, luckily though, the doctor seems unfazed, and Alec assumes this is not his first encounter with such family members. “His name is shot to shit as it is, he can’t afford to cancel shows.”

“Look, Mr. Bane, I understand that this interrupts your plans for him, but if you put him on that stage, you’re putting him in great risk.” the doctor explains calmly, and Alec is grateful for his persistence as he watches the conversation, “his concussion may be mild, but together with his dehydration and malnutrition, he will need bed rest for at least a week. Not to mention the alcohol abuse, which can cause irreversible damage.”

Asmodeus glares at the doctor for a moment longer, and Alec is surprised when he doesn’t attack him, just calmly says, “fine, whatever you say.” Alec isn’t convinced though, and the doctor doesn’t seem to be either, but has no choice but to accept that response and take his leave. He probably has more patients and annoying family members to tend to, and no time to argue with the likes of Asmodeus Bane.

When the doctor leaves, Asmodeus grunts loudly and rubs his eyes, clearly frustrated. When he finally looks towards the bed, he frowns when he notices Alec sitting there, almost surprised, like he hadn’t seen him there yet. “You can leave, boy, you’ve done enough damage.” he hisses, as he starts to scroll through his phone, muttering under his breath about Magnus causing him more work.

Alec takes a few calming breaths, mustering up every ounce of strength and self control he has to prevent himself from lashing out. Miraculously, he manages to stay calm enough to say, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Asmodeus sighs again and mutters, “I have no time to deal with you too.”

“Well, you don’t have to.” Alec hisses back, starting to lose what little control he has left, “if you want you can leave, but I’m staying.”

“I have to go anyway, fix yet another mess. Not to mention the paparazzi that have started to catch wind of this. So you better not cause any more scenes.” and without another word, he is out of the door. And finally, Alec is alone with Magnus, and can focus all of his attention on him. He is still holding onto his hand with one of his, and he lifts his other hand up to the smaller man’s face, stroking his hair which has fallen over his forehead.

“I’m so sorry.” he whispers softly, suddenly feeling the rush of emotions, now that the adrenaline has died out. “I shouldn’t have left you alone, I should have tried harder.” he continues to watch Magnus, as he lifts his hand to his lips and kisses it. His next words he whispers against the soft caramel skin, “I promise you I’m never going to let you down again.”

  
  


When Magnus wakes up a few hours later, Alec is still by his side. He had only gotten up to use the adjoining toilet and to get water. His siblings, Simon and Clary were out in the waiting room and had brought him coffee and something to eat. But he couldn’t even take one bite, not until Magnus woke up and he knew he was okay.

Cat, Tessa, Jem, Will and Raphael had come by at one point, but the nurses refused to let them all in, and they decided it was best to not crowd or overwhelm him anyway, so they told Alec they would come back and to keep them posted.

At first he felt his beautiful soft fingers moving ever so slightly, and Alec immediately snapped into attention. A moment later, Magnus starts to mewl and turns his head to the side, as he clearly struggles to open his eyes. “Hey, Magnus, baby, I’m here.” Alec tells him softly, scooting as close as possible, caressing the other man's cheek. 

The smaller man struggles a bit more, then finally manages to open his eye, and with Alec’s gentle guiding hand, he turns his head toward where the larger man is sitting. “Hey, there you are.” Alec whispers with a soft smile, clicking on the button to call the nurse, and finally feeling a small sense of relief.

“Alexander?” Magnus chokes out in a weak voice, his surprise at the other man's presence, breaks Alec’s heart. “What happened?” Magnus tries to sit up, and Alec is on his feet within seconds, helping him up and angling his pillow for him, making sure he is as comfortable as can be before he sits back down.

“You jumped off the amp, and lost your balance.” Alec explains cautiously, “you fell onto the stage, and a pole collapsed, it hit you on the head.” when Magnus bows his head in shame, and avoids Alec’s eyes, mumbling a weak ‘sorry’, Alec is quick to reassure him, “you have nothing to apologize for.”

Magnus doesn’t look too convinced, but before they can attempt to say anything else, the nurse comes in and checks on Magnus. Alec steps aside as she takes his vitals and switches his drip, then explains to Magnus his condition. Before she leaves she promises to bring back a tray of food, which Magnus tries to protest to, but both she and Alec insist, because he is weak and needs food to grow his strength back.

When she is gone, Magnus finally looks up at him, and Alec absolutely hates how sad and exhausted he looks, but he hates even more the words that begin to escape his gorgeous lips, “Alexander, I’m fine, you don’t -”

“No.” Alec asserts sternly, but gently, refusing to even let him think that for a second, “I am not leaving you again no matter how much you try and push me away.” he then steps closer, carefully sits on the bed and cups his face, he has so many things to say, and he will have a long, deep conversation about it later, but for now, “Magnus, when I saw you on the stage after you fell, not knowing if you will be okay, I have never felt that type of fear.”

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Magnus says in an adorable, quiet voice, which has Alec smiling fondly at him, then shaking his head at the words he spoke.

“Magnus, I know we only just started... “ he pauses, as they never actually talked about what they are exactly, “this, us, but I … I love you.” a small, surprised gasp escapes Magnus’ lips as he stares at him dumbfounded. And when he breathes out a barely audible ‘what?’ Alec chuckles and leans in, kissing him softly on his lips, “I love you.” he repeats.

It takes him another moment longer, but Magnus finally composes himself, kisses him back and smiles against his lips as he murmurs, “I love you, too.” and Alec’s heart soars, despite their grim location.

Later, when they lay in Magnus’ huge hospital bed - courtesy of his handsome health insurance - Alec holds the other man close to his chest, as tight as possible without squashing or hurting him. 

Magnus nuzzles into his chest, deep in sleep, as the younger man watches him, refusing to fall asleep, both so he can continue to admire the beautiful man, and so he can make sure he is okay, and be there if he wakes up and needs something. Alec kisses his forehead and hums against his skin, swearing to himself to help Magnus fight whatever is to come.

  
  


“Ugh, Alexa - nder!” Magnus whines when Alec shoves yet another fork-full of egg in his mouth, “I’ve already eaten plenty.” but that just earns him an arched eyebrow and an unimpressed gaze, then more egg is fed to him.

“Just a few more bites.” Alec insists when Magnus tries to protest again. Since the moment they woke up, Alec was on a mission to make sure Magnus was well taken care of - fluffing his pillow, bringing him water and food, and helping him with his bathroom trips.

Once Alec decides he ate enough, they both lay back comfortably on the bed, with Magnus leaning on the larger man's chest. They stay silent for a long moment, as the smaller man closes his eyes and sighs in contentment.

When the nurse comes in to clear his breakfast tray and check up on him once more, she announces that after the doctor examines him in a couple of hours, he will be released. So in the meantime they both rest, but Alec’s mind refuses to shut off and stop racing with worry.

“Magnus, I know now is not the best time,” he begins, catching the other man’s full attention, “but I just need you to know that I’m sorry I left the other night, I should have fought harder.” 

But Magnus only smiles sadly and shakes his head, “don’t blame yourself.” he insists, leaning back a bit to look him straight in the eyes, “I was the one who messed up, and I was stubbornly pushing you away. I just… Alexander, you deserve better. We only just started this, and I’m already causing you more trouble than I’m worth.”

The younger man frowns deeply, sitting up with determination, refusing to let this beautiful man think those foul thoughts for even one second longer, “you are not causing me any trouble, Magnus. And you are worth every ounce of hard work, which is something every relationship takes.” he cups the smaller man's cheeks and caresses them with his thumbs, “I know it is hard for you to believe, that you were hurt too many times, but I will do whatever it takes to undo it all, because I love you, and I refuse to let you go.”

A few tears slip out of his big, brown eyes, and Alec is quick to wipe them away. Magnus smiles up at him, then captures his lips with his own, with a soft loving kiss, trying to convey without words how overwhelmingly happy he is.

“I love you, too.” Magnus finally manages to respond, “so much.”

They lay back down, falling into another comfortable silence. Alec can already tell that Magnus still has something on his mind, but he gives him the time he clearly needs to muster up the words and courage to say them out loud.

Eventually Magnus takes a deep breath and lets it out in a sigh, then with his head still on Alec’s chest and without looking up at Alec, “Alexander, I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” The tremor and pure exhaustion in his voice breaks Alec’s heart to pieces, “I need to get out from under my father's claws and the spotlight. At least for a while.”

Alec hates how much he agrees with that, he had been pondering over it as well, and hadn’t known how to bring it up. He is glad that it came from Magnus, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to help him through it, make it as easy as possible.

“I know.” Alec says softly, holding him close and kissing the top of his head, “and I will be by your side every step of the way.”

  
  


As promised, the doctor comes by to check up on Magnus, and he takes advantage of Asmodeus’ absence by insisting he go straight to bed rest for at least a week. And Alec is quick to guarantee just that, even if he has to fight the scary man to his death.

But they barely manage to make it out of the hospital room, and said scary man shows up with a storm, “come on, Magnus.” he growls, causing his son to take a step back and cower into himself. Alec though, steps forward, standing protectively in front of him, “I don’t have time for this, let’s go.”

But Alec doesn’t budge, making sure Magnus doesn’t move either as he glares at Asmodeus, “he is not going anywhere with you.” Alec snaps, refusing to surrender, “the doctor said he needs to rest, and that is exactly what he is going to do.”

“You will not speak to me like that.” Asmodeus snaps back, clearly trying to intimidate him, “I am his father and manager, and he will do as I say.”

“No he won’t, because clearly you do not have his best interest at heart.” Alec bites back, no longer scared to fight him, “I will speak to Hodge and make sure he speaks to whoever he needs to to postpone the shows.”

“You will do no such thing, he has caused enough trouble as it is.” Asmodeus steps forward to try and grab his son’s arm, but Alec stands in his way and prevents him from doing so.

“Touch him, and I will call security.” he threatens through gritted teeth.

“Are you threatening me?” Asmodeus actually looks impressed at that.

“I sure as hell am.” they stand like that for another heated moment, glaring at each other with fire, until finally Asmodeus concedes.

“You better pray that this doesn’t backfire.” he spits out, and after looking over at his son with distaste, he turns to leave.

Alec watches his retreating back until he is out of sight, then spins on his heels to find Magnus bowing his head and staring daggers at the floor. He quickly embraces him tightly, and kisses the top of his head, whispering loving and calming words.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here.”

They sign out at the nurses desk, then head out. Alec keeps a tight hold on Magnus, refusing to let him go for even a second. And the smallest man clings onto him, also refusing to stay away, as if he is his lifeline. 

They take a taxi back to their hotel, where Alec walks him up to his suite and helps him out of his clothes and into a nice warm bath. When he is cleaned and relaxed as can be, Alec tucks him into bed and calls room service. He had made the mistake of leaving once, and refused to repeat it. Even when Magnus tries to get him to relax, and tells him he’s okay if he wants to leave - Alec won’t hear it.

It is late afternoon, as they are both laying in the huge king-size bed, cuddling and kissing lazily, when there is a knock on the suite door. Magnus whines and pouts adorably when Alec detaches from him and goes to get up. “No, don’t go.” he says and makes grabby-hands at him.

Alec chuckles fondly, leans forward for one more peck, then steps back again, “I’ll be right back.” he promises, “I’m just going to check who’s at the door.”

Alec steps out of the bedroom and makes his way to the door, opening it to reveal Cat, Will, Jem, Tessa and Raphael. Alec eyes them, refusing to let them cause any more pain for Magnus. “Hey, we were hoping to talk to Magnus.” Cat is the one to speak up, “don’t worry, it is all in good spirits.”

“Then perhaps later, Magnus needs his rest right now.” Alec says coldly. He has no idea what went down with them years ago, but he also doesn’t care. There is nothing that can justify their behavior towards Magnus, or how they just stood back and allowed Asmodeus to basically torture him. 

“Hey, we’re not the enemy here.” Raphael snaps at him, stepping forward into his space.

“Yeah well, you could’ve fooled me.” Alec snaps back, straightening to his full height and towering over him.

“Calm down boys!” Tessa reprimands, then more calmly to Alec, “Alec, we are truly here to try and fix things.”

“Fine, but you can do it later, when he feels better.” Alec insists, folding his arms, “he’s had enough excitement for one day.”

They all seem just about to retort and protest, when Magnus’ voice is heard from behind him, “It’s okay, Alexander.” he says softly, “I think this conversation is long overdue, and it is about time we make amends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awww they finally said Í love you'!!  
> and how bad-ass is Alec for standing up to Asmodeus??
> 
> and it seems like finaly Magnus and his friends are going to make amends. what do you think?
> 
> please let me know your thoughts!


	14. I'm done.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus talks to his old friends.  
> and more drama at the GLAAD AWARDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies!  
> so sorry for the huge delay, yet again.  
> I had a hectic couple of weeks, and it took me a while to get this chapter done.  
> but here it is and I really hope you enjoy it.
> 
> thanks again for all the love and support, it means the world!!

Magnus cannot pinpoint the exact moment everything went wrong, probably because it doesn’t fall down to just one event or thing that changed everything. He knows it all began from winning his first Golden Globe, because that was the first significant, prestigious award he had won - and it had gotten to him. From there on out the praises from fans, producers and the media grew astronomically, and at the speed of light - causing his ego to inflate more and more, enjoying the attention to no end. 

He had become insatiable, and it led to him becoming arrogant and patronizing. He started treating his friends like shit, as if they worked for him and owed him all the gratitude - even though they started off as a band - where all members were equal. But without even consulting them, or even caring about their opinion or the ramifications of his choices on anyone beside himself - he made decisions that were first and foremost beneficial for him, taking all of the credit for their songs and success.

Of course, they did try to leave, especially when he started going wild - banging everything that moved and partying with no care or worry in the world - but Asmodeus had threatened them, he promised to destroy them and take away all of their royalties and credibility. And they knew that he would. So they stuck around. 

In the very beginning of these changes in Magnus, they did try to interfere. They tried interventions and suggested helping him get out of Asmodeus’ claws, but he refused. They kept trying, because he was derailing himself fast, but he kept pushing himself away - until one day he just snapped at them, told them how insignificant they were and that he wanted them to just leave him alone. He was the one who made their relationships strictly professional.

And when Camille came into the picture, it only got worse - because she made him even more vain and obnoxious. She picked at the tears between him and his friends, and made them even wider, poisoned him against them even more. She sucked him even further into the rich and famous lifestyle, causing him to lose any of the fragments of himself that were still left.

Sitting before them now, Magnus thinks back about all the time and pain that has passed between them, the gaping whole separating them, all the foul words and anger that has transpired. How do they overcome everything? Where do they begin and how do they fix it? Can they fix it? Can  _ he  _ make up for all he had let tear them apart?

“I know it is not enough, but I am truly sorry.” he eventually says, unable to meet any of their gazes, “I screwed up, and I finally see that now, and I’m sorry.”

Cat lays her hand on his own, which are both fiddling together in his lap, “Magnus, you were basically brainwashed by your father, then Camille.” she says simply, as if it justifies it all, “you were so young when you started, of course it all got to you.”

“That doesn’t excuse the way I treated you.” Magnus shakes his head, finally looking up at her, “I was terrible.”

Cat smiles softly and sadly, “that you were.” she agrees with an amused smile, causing some snickers - including from Magnus, then on a more serious note, “but so were we, because we never should have given up on you.”

“You may have pushed us away, but you were lost and we should have never let that happen.” Tessa speaks up as well, and when Magnus looks at her, she adds, “we left you alone against  _ him _ , against it all.”

“I deserved it.” Magnus bows his head again, trying to fight against the growing lump in his throat and pressure in his chest, “I gave you no reason to stay.” 

_ ‘Even my own mother wanted nothing to do with me.’  _ Magnus thinks to himself, but doesn’t dare say out loud, ‘ _ There must be something so fundamentally wrong with me, if my mother was willing to abandon her child - and with a man like Asmodeus.’ _

“Magnus, no.” Jem cuts in, “we were hurt, but we should have fought, we should have seen how much you were suffering.”

“But we see it now, and we want to fix it.” Will adds with a soft smile.

Magnus looks up with hope shining in his eyes, “I want to fix it too.”

Perhaps they can work towards mending their broken friendships, heal the deep wounds with time.

  
  
  
  


Alec had spoken to Hodge as promised, and Hodge spoke to the producers who had managed to postpone the last six shows of the tour - but it did mean that the schedule had grown more intensive, because there was less time in between shows. But with the new found help of his friends, and of course - Alec, Magnus managed to make it through them. He had to be more careful, and couldn’t put in his usual amount of energy, but he still committed and gave it his all. And he loved it, he really did love being on stage, creating music - which is the sole reason why he came into this world to begin with.

But it was no longer just about that - somewhere along his career, it became about the fame, money, the sex and attention. And during those six shows he came to the decision that he finally needs to put a stop to it. Because if he doesn’t, he may not make it out whole, or even alive.

So he made an agreement with himself that after the GLAAD awards he will have a talk with his father, he will finally stand up to him. As much as he hated it, his performance at the award show has to be his last. At least for a while.

Alec and him didn’t want to cause any more of a scene or scandal, so they decided to walk separately down the red carpet. Besides the fact that the younger man needed to walk with his siblings and band mates.

As his limo pulls up to the curb, Magnus tries to calm his racing heart with deep breaths, but to no avail. It has been so long since he was last on a red carpet, and no matter how important and close to his heart the GLAAD awards are, all he wants to do is run away. He hasn’t even left the vehicle yet, and he is already blinded by flashes through the dark tinted windows. 

A large comforting hand is laid on his shoulder, breaking him out of his thoughts, “It's okay, I’m here with you.” Raphael promises, and for the first time in years - his bodyguards presence helps comfort him.

When they exit the limo, he is immediately bombarded with camera lenses and microphones and questions. Fans, paparazzi and media personnel calling out his name, trying to catch his attention. But as Raphael leads him along the red carpet, Magnus feels like he is sinking, and everything is brighter and louder than it actually is, and everything is spinning around him to the point where he can barely stand on his feet, let alone use them to move his body forward.

He tries to stop and do some interviews, answer some questions - but he stumbles on his words and can barely comprehend the ones spoken to him. It’s too much. He can’t do it. He is feeling claustrophobic and overwhelmed and nothing he does helps get him out of it.

“Raphael.” he pleads weakly, but luckily his bodyguard is close enough to hear, “please, get me out of here, I can’t...”

Relief and disappointment curse through him as Raphael leads him into the main building, through the halls and into his own dressing room. Relief because he can finally start breathing now that he is out of harm's way, and disappointed because he feels so weak. The fact that he still can’t cope with it, only validates just how far gone he is and how much the decision he made is the right one.

He loses complete sense of time, and has no idea how much of it passed when Alec comes bursting into the room, concern is radiating off him in strong waves as he frantically rushes to Magnus’ side.

“Magnus are you okay?” he questions, as his hands and eyes scan and skim over him to make sure he wasn’t hurt, “I saw you walk off, what happened?”

Magnus just snuggles into the warm body that wraps around him, allowing it to calm his nerves and anxiety. “I just got overwhelmed.” he finally explains, “from the crowd and all the noises and lights.”

Alec tightens his hold on him, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you.” he says, then kisses the top of his head, “I should have walked with you, rumors be damned.”

“It’s not your fault.” Magnus assures, pulling back slightly to look in his eyes, “and I’ll be fine, I promise.” Alec doesn’t look too convinced, but thankfully also doesn’t push it further, understanding that Magnus just needs his embrace right now.

  
  
  


Simon Lewis has known the Lightwoods since they were all kids, and he had always been the one to follow them around with a video-camera, knowing that one day they will make it big. That the footage he was taking will one day become valuable - which wasn’t why he took it, he truly loves their music, but he had always loved the thought of it becoming so huge.

With time he helped them out also with all the other technical stuff - like handling equipment, sounds and lights, managing their social media accounts and their website - something which includes receiving and responding to emails, and collecting up footage from their shows and such.

So when he receives an anonymous video, he isn’t too suspicious at first, but when he sees the thumbnail of it, red lights and alarms start going off. At first he thinks it is some kind of threat, maybe someone is going to extort them. He wants to call the band in straight away, because this is huge, but they are all at the GLAAD awards show.

He decides that he should probably check it out first anyway, make sure it is what he thinks it is before he starts involving others. When he plays the video, and watches the occurrence in it, but more importantly - the words spoken, which can be heard loud and clear - he is certain that this is the complete opposite of blackmail. But he can’t help but wonder why? And why now?

When he goes back to the email, to look for any more clues, he realizes that there is a short message that he completely missed -

“If anyone can make sure this gets out and seen, it is you. Please make sure this clears his name.”

Simon stares at it for a long moment, re-reading it again and again, before pulling out his phone and trying to call all the Lightwood’s one by one, but none of them actually answer, which isn’t too surprising, but still no less aggravating. Eventually he decides to contact Clary instead and tell her to come over and help him, because he has a new plan.

  
  
  


“Alec, relax, I’m sure he’s gonna be fine.” Izzy leans over to him in her seat, laying a gentle hand on his bouncing knee, but neither the touch nor the words help to calm his nerves. He diverts his concern-filled eyes to his sister, already itching to look back towards the stage where Magnus is now performing.

“He was just so shaken up.” he tells her, unable to convey all the tension and strain cursing through him. Magnus and him had briefly spoken about Magnus taking a break from the music industry for a while, so he can care a bit for himself and get better. But they hadn’t had the chance to really have a proper conversation, and Alec was aching to do so. He wanted to start making concrete plans, think of all the measures and steps necessary to work towards healing Magnus. But he also didn’t want to push the rockstar too much, because he knows how delicate the whole situation is. So he decided to wait until after the tour and GLAAD awards, when things are less hectic and they have more free time for themselves.

As Magnus finishes up his song, Alec finally allows himself to relax a bit, but he still watches him intently as he thanks the crowd, then starts making his way towards the backstage exit. But as he is about to walk off, the large screens that are spread around the stage, all come back to life with a deafening screech.

Then two voices that Alec recognizes clearly play through the speakers and fill the entire hall, causing him to freeze and watch the screen intently. The footage is a bit blurry and shaky, but the two figures arguing are unmistakable.

_ “I’m serious, you boyfriend stealing slut.”  _ Andrew’s voice sounds loud and clear, then Magnus’,  _ “I wasn’t trying to steal him away, not that it was too difficult, I mean, if you’re so threatened by me, perhaps your relationship wasn’t as strong as you think. _ ” Andrew is clutching onto Magnus’ arm in what looks like a death grip which only gets stronger as he speaks again, “ _ That’s rich coming from you. It’s not really surprising that your girlfriend cheated on you, is it? Even your own mother left you. Yeah I watched that stupid film about you, poor little Magnus has to make a film to get people’s sympathy and love. _ ”

Alec finds himself gasping, because Magnus had never told him exactly what Andrew had said to him, and he imagined it was bad, but as Andrew continues to speak, even when Magnus tells him to stop, to shut up, he realizes just how terrible his words were.

No longer able to go a second without being near the smaller man, he averts his gaze from the screen in search of Magnus, who has disappeared off the stage at some point, because he is no longer there. So Alec quickly gets up and rushes backstage, but he is stopped by security a few times, which makes his journey frustratingly longer. By the time he reaches Magnus’ dressing room, he just finds a pissed Asmodeus and no sign of Magnus.

  
  
  


Magnus storms off the stage, his breathing hard and heavy, his legs barely cooperating, but he just has to get out of there, he can’t be on the stage while the whole world watches him and as a new scandal that revolves around him begins. It may be interlaced with some relief, because finally the truth about Andrew is coming out, but it is too overwhelming. It is the main reason he needs to get out of the industry, because he can barely bear the attention anymore and all the buzz that seems to constantly follow him around.

He made a b-line straight to his dressing room, ignoring all the producers and security men trying to stop him and talk to him along the way. When he finally reaches his destination, he stops abruptly at the entrance to the room, gasping loudly and almost jumping out of his skin when he finds his father there waiting for him.

Of course his father is already here, waiting to lash out at him - accuse him of causing the mess again. And as his prediction starts to come to life, Magnus finds himself just staring at the scary man, watching his lips move but not hearing the words coming out. He fights through the blur and fog, as anger starts to fill every cell in his body, taking over - desperate to finally stand up to the man who’s been controlling him for the better part of his life.

“Enough...” he manages in a small, choked voice, but he clenches his fists and takes a deep breath, then manages to speak in a louder tone, “enough!” and when Asmodeus pauses his words and stares at him in annoyance, he yells, “Just shut up already!” his father’s gaze turns dumbfounded as they just stand there and glare at each other.

Magnus takes a long moment to compose himself before he continues, because he is stunned at his own actions. When he finally regains some control, he goes on with determination, “your reign on my life ends now.” he’s proud of himself when he manages to keep his voice straight and harsh, “I’m sick of you controlling every aspect of it, even when I collapse under the pressure. You don’t give a fuck, you never cared about anything other than yourself!”

“How dare you speak to me like that?” Asmodeus growls, but for the first time in his life, Magnus doesn't cower or surrender to him.

“I refuse to continue being your puppet.” he snaps back, finally standing his ground, “I want out, out of your management, out of the industry and out of spotlight.”

“Is this another one of you pathetic tantrums?” his father questions in contempt, “I’ve had it with your -”

“This is not a fucking tantrum!” Magnus cuts him off, his voice growing louder and angrier, on the verge of yelling, “don’t you realize how screwed up I am? I’m a fucking mess, and the longer I remain under your control and in the music world, the worse it will get.”

“Oh, stop being so dramatic.” Asmodeus huffs in annoyance, uncaring of his own flesh and blood’s suffering, “you need to put in as much work as possible, now more than ever. The video may cause a scandal, but at least for once it might work in our favor, the dumb blonde has finally -”

“OMG, do you even hear yourself?” Magnus snaps, cutting him off again, “how can you be so cold?” They both pause and stare angrily at each other, but Magnus continues before his father can respond. There is no way his answer to that could ever be a good one anyway, so he just gives up altogether on getting his father’s unconditional love and support.

“I’m done.” Magnus says, feeling the complete exhaustion that had taken over his entire being, “I want out.”

“You foolish, stupid boy.” his father hisses, stepping closer, towering over Magnus in a clear attempt to intimidate him, “everything is on my name and I will not hesitate to leave you with nothing. No money, no royalties, no cars or homes, nothing.”

“Fine, take it, I don’t care.” Magnus surrenders in defeat, having no more strength to fight. He knew this was coming, when he decided to leave the industry, there was no doubt that he would have to confront his father, who would undoubtedly threaten to revoke everything he owns.

Magnus had even started to formulate a plan, started to prepare himself for it - but this, here in the backstage of the GLAAD awards, and now, way before he anticipated it happening - he is far from ready and he can barely remember anything he had planned to say, but neither does it matter to him at the moment.

_ He just wants out. Now. _

“I don’t need any of it, not if it means I lose myself and my life.” Magnus goes on as his father stares at him in shock, “so take it, take everything, I don’t fucking care. Just leave me alone.”

Asmodeus continues to watch him in silence, probably unable to actually fathom that his ‘pathetic, push-over’ son is actually putting up a fight. That his ‘spoiled and attention seeking’ son is actually willing to give it all away and turn his back.

“I’m done.” Magnus repeats in a small, jaded voice as he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulder. Then with one last, sad glance at his father, he walks away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> take that Asmodeus! FINALLY Magnus stands up to him and takes control.  
> this is a huge first step to recovery for him.  
> and yay! finally Andrew's true colours are revealed to the world!
> 
> what do you think? any thoughts?


	15. void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies,  
> sorry again for yet another delay... but the new chapter is finally here!  
> this chapter was actually one of the first ones I had written way back when I started writing this fic, and I can't believe we are actually finally here. this was supposed to be the final chapter, but I had decided to add one more after it because I didn't want to leave you hanging with a major cliffhanger. it might take me some time to actually post chapter 16, because I'm still trying to figure some things out, but I hope you don't mind and it will be worth the wait...
> 
> anyway, I won't keep you hanging any longer... I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it.
> 
> Enjoy!

It has been 17 years since the first time Magnus was blinded by those flashes, but nevertheless even now, as he rushes out of the Hilton Midtown hotel, with Raphael not far behind him, he still isn’t used to it. His bodyguard’s voice calling for him to wait, to stop, gets lost in the loud shouts of paparazzi and fans.

For the very first time in his career, Magnus doesn’t stop to meet his fans, he doesn’t sign autographs or take selfies with them, he doesn't even look in their direction. His eyes find his black limousine, focus on it intently, and don’t stray from it as he B-lines towards it.

There is still an hour left, maybe more, before the GLAAD awards ends, but Magnus couldn’t stay there a minute longer. Even though they have yet to present the award for best male musician, which is always one of the last awards.

After his conversation with his father (if you could even call it that), he dashed right out without even cleaning his make-up or changing out of the outfit he performed in. He didn’t even glance in the direction of a mirror, but he knows that he doubtlessly looks terrible.

The paparazzi have already caught him in even more terrible situations, looking even worse than this, so what does it matter if his eyeliner is surely smudged, that he probably has tears stains on his cheeks, and that his hair had long ago lost any shadow of a shape or form. All he sees in front of his eyes is the limousine which will take him to his safe space.

Needless to say, Magnus is desperate to get home as fast as possible, to snuggle up his bed with a bottle of gin and wallow in his sorrows alone, far away from all the camera lenses and the critical eyes. His driver barely comes to a complete halt, but as soon as he slows down in front of the building, Magnus is already out the door and hurries to close the space between himself and the bottle of gin that awaits him. 

Magnus heads straight to his drinks cart, de-caps the bottle, and almost chokes in between gulps and mouth fulls, but he doesn’t care. When the bottle is down to ¾, Magnus detaches it from his lips, and wipes his mouth and chin with the sleeve of his jacket. After that, with his make-up smeared even more and a stain on his sleeve, he makes his way up the stairs to his bedroom, the bottle of gin clutched against his chest.

When he arrives at his destination, Magnus doesn’t bother to shower or clean his face, just strips down to his boxers and puts on a simple t-shirt - without putting letting go of the bottle, then curls up under his blankets in bed.

When he was a child, his mother never allowed him to drink laying down, he can still hear her reprimanding him for it. But she is long gone, and so is everything else she had ever tried to teach him. He doesn’t care that this time he really does choke from the large gulps, or that the liquid is spilling over and staining his favorite purple, satin sheets. Magnus is just jaded, and sick of the life his father forced him to live.

He agreed to go on the tour under the threat of losing everything, but now he can’t even remember why he wanted it all to begin with. The meaning behind his name, has lost its appeal long ago. From the first bottle he already knew that the answers weren't at the bottom of all the alcohol bottles he drank, but at least they helped ease the pain, to numb all of the excess feelings that wouldn’t leave him be. They gave him a shelter in the midst of all the noise.

Even now, it is the only way he knows, the only way to handle and silence all of the insufferable noise and voices.

The infamous rock-star that hasn’t moved from the first place in all of the music charts for years, that has won endless amounts of awards, that has performed on all the biggest stages in the world - is so out of it, and so far from being okay, he doesn’t even realize when he is no longer alone in the penthouse, or that fast paced steps are making their way to him.

“Magnus?” a voice calls from the entrance of his room, one he recognizes all too well. He’d never thought there would come a day he wouldn’t flutter or jump at that voice, he didn’t even lift his head or look at the direction of his bedroom door.

“Magnus, please talk to me.” Alec pleads from the entrance of the room, then steps closer, “I’m worried about you.” and when Magnus still doesn’t respond or even budge, “Magnus, baby, what happened? The truth is out, everything’s okay now.”

Magnus snorts and sits up, finally looking at Alec with bloodshot eyes, “okay?” he chokes out weakly, “What about any of this is okay exactly?” he questions maniacally, not even bothering to keep his voice down, “I’m such a fucking mess.”

“No Magnus, you’re not-” Alec tries to deny, stepping even closer but Magnus cuts him off.

“Please just… just don’t.” Magnus snaps angrily, then stands up, bottle still in hand, “everything is so screwed up, I’m screwed up, and the truth being set free doesn't change that.”

“I know, and I’m really sorry.” Alec keeps his voice calm and soft, despite Magnus’ anger, “but we can fix this..”

Magnus shrugs his shoulders and shakes his head gently, “no we can’t. The world still thinks I’m a wreck, and I mean I get it, I probably brought this all on myself.”

“No, they are wrong. We can prove them wrong.” Alec insists and Magnus laughs

“How exactly?” he asks skeptically, then takes a drink from the bottle, “I mean look at me, I’m a drunken mess, so I can’t blame anyone for treating me accordingly.”

“Magnus I-”

“What, Alec? What could you possibly want from me?” Magnus’ voice is jaded, breaking slightly at the end, “because you can’t possibly want this, so what is it?”

Alec’s eyes grow wide as his mouth falls agape, “no, Magnus -”

But the older man cuts him off yet again, “Maybe you really are like everyone else and just want sex, is that is?”

Alec’s face contorts in horror at the sound of his words, and he is quick to shake his head, “Of course not, why would you even…?” he tries to deny, but Magnus is deep in his rant.

Magnus slams the bottle down on the bedside table, the sound ringing in the room, “I bet that’s what it is, isn’t it?” he asks then pulls his shirt over his head and throws it on the floor, “okay, here you go, you can have it.” he spreads his hands to the sides as if to present himself.

“No, Magnus, that’s not-” but his words get cut short once more by Magnus, who throws himself into his arms and tries to kiss him. Alec kisses back for a split second, but then gets a hold of himself and tries to push him away gently, “Magnus, that’s not why I’m here.”

“Well, that’s what everyone else wanted from me, nothing more than sex.” Magnus says adamantly, looking up at Alec with a broken gaze, “and you’re way too good for me. At least for anything serious, so what else am I supposed to believe, huh?”

When Alec doesn’t respond right away, clearly struck by disbelief, he goes on, “come on, just fuck me and get over with it.” he growls, kissing him again, as tears start streaming down his cheeks, “that’s all anyone ever wants…” Magnus pulls at Alec’s belt buckle and tries to open it with trembling hands, Alec quickly tries to stop him, but Magnus fights him frantically, “Andrew was right, maybe I am just a slut that enjoys spreading his legs...”

“No you’re not!” Alec exclaims, finally snapping Magnus out of it, grabbing him by his shoulders, forcing him to stop and look up at him, “Andrew was wrong with everything he said, and you didn’t deserve any of it, or the way everyone else treated you.”

Magnus finally calms down and continues to stare at him, as Alec cups his face and strokes his cheeks with his thumbs. Magnus actually listens as Alec continues, “and the sex with you was incredible, like nothing I ever experienced before. And I’m dying to do it again, but not like this.”

Magnus sniffs, then says quietly, “I’m sorry, I over reacted.” 

“You’re hurting, I get it.” Alec says softly, as he wipes the tears away with his thumbs, “and I’ll always be here for you, even when you take your anger out on me and try to push me away.”

Magnus takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them and says, “Alexander, you shouldn’t have to put up with all of this, I can’t let you do that.”

Alec frowns deeply, clearly not pleased by that, “well, I’m not asking you.” he persists stubbornly.

Magnus smiles sadly at him and shrugs one shoulder, “but I am asking you.” when Alec goes to protest again, Magnus continues before he can get a word in, “I just, I feel lost, and I need time to figure things out.”

“About us?” Alec questions, and Magnus hates that he made him look and sound so sad and hurt.

He quickly shakes his head, “no, it’s about me.” Magnus tells him and takes a deep breath before he adds, “I just need a few days to sort through some things.” when Alec takes too long to respond, his eyes still filled with uncertainty, Magnus reassures him, “I promise that this is not me pushing you away, I just have to figure this out on my own.”

Alec seems to be contemplating with himself as he watches him intently, then finally concedes, “I don’t like this.”

“I know.”

“Can I at least stay with you tonight?”

“I would love that.”

After that, Alec helps Magnus clean up and get ready for bed. At Magnus’ request, Alec crawls into the bed with him and plasters his chest to Magnus’ back, holding him close to him. In the morning, after making breakfast and coffee, he leaves, also at Magnus’ request, to give him some time and space.

**\---**

Magnus is sitting on his balcony, watching the sun set over the New York skyline, the east river glistening in the twilight. It used to be his favorite time of day, this used to be his favorite thing to do. Now though, it all just feels numb and empty, and as he stares blankly at the setting sun, all he cares about is for the liquid in his tumbler to never end.

How had he become this empty emotionless shell? It all happened so fast and sudden, yet so slow and subtle, creeping up on him until it was too late, until he was too far gone.

It has been a couple of days since he last saw Alec, since that night where everything exploded, and should have fallen into place, but in the end just accentuated how screwed up everything is, how irreversibly broken  _ he is. _

All he wants is to curl up in Alec’s arm, to  _ finally  _ enjoy being his, but it is also the last thing he needs, to get lost in the arms of a man without taking a moment to fix himself.

He looks down at his phone, scrolling through the contacts, most of them ignored and unused for far too long. But one in particular has him pausing and pondering, suddenly feeling his heart clench over so many wasted years that have come and gone.

Before he can overthink it, he dials the number that had almost become foreign to him now.

It rings a few times, and the last thing Magnus expects is for his call to be answered.

So when the ringing tone is replaced by a bitter, but concerned, British accent, Magnus freezes, almost dropping his phone and the tumbler.

“Magnus?” the voice asks, bringing with it a rush of nostalgic emotions, filled with so much concern in just one word. The rock-star finds himself too overwhelmed to respond, all he can do is release a deep, ragged breath.

“Is there anything the matter?” Even after all these years, despite all that has transpired, his first priority is to make sure Magnus is okay, regardless of his own pain and anger.

When Magnus still says nothing, Ragnor speaks again, “what is it, Magnus?” his voice is softer than ever, and Magnus just  _ knows _ that despite the distance and disconnection between them, Ragnor probably still followed the news. Well, it’s not like he had a choice, whether he wanted to or not, Magnus is everywhere.

Magnus clears his throat, finally finding his voice, “remember that night when I actually convinced you to come with me to the Golden Globes?” A small nostalgic, absent minded smile finds its way to his lips, despite his gloomy mood.

“The night you won your first major award.” Ragnor replies after a short pause, probably taken aback by the unexpected topic, “how can I forget?”

“It was before I had a stick shoved up my ass, and so I actually declined an invitation to Lady Gaga’s after party.” Magnus goes on, causing Ragnor to chuckle, “instead we all went to that crappy Irish pub you liked so much, it was the last time we hung out together like that…” Magnus pauses and they both get sucked into the nostalgic silence for a moment.

It was one of his best and last memories with any of his friends, all of them were there - Ragnor, Cat, Tessa, Jem, Will and Raphael. They were just sitting around a dirty table in their usual booth, drinking disgusting beers like they used to, but with Magnus’ Golden Globe on the center of the table.

“You and I ended up just walking around the city for hours after that.” Magnus finally goes on, in a sad voice, placing the tumbler down on the small side table, “I was telling you how I almost thanked my mother when I was accepting the award, then I realised that it didn’t matter that she imprinted on me her love for music, that she taught me to sing and play, because at the end of the day, she abandoned me.”

When his voice shakes and threatens to break, he pauses again, and he is glad that Ragnor says nothing. After a few more deep breaths that fail to banish the lump, he goes on anyway, “I told you that I could no longer remember the lullaby she used to sing to me in Indonesian, the flavour of the Bakso she would cook when I was sick, or the stories she would tell me about her family in Indonesia, about her childhood.” Magnus pauses when a small, involuntary whimper escapes his lips. He covers his mouth with his hand and tries to force down the sobs. When he realizes it's a lost cause, he goes on in spite of them, “I could still remember her general features, but I forgot what she was really like, which was strange, because she wasn’t even dead, not that I would’ve known if she had been.”

“Oh, Magnus.” Ragnor suddenly speaks again, snapping Magnus out of his momentary trance, “what happened?”

“I’ve been trying to remember what it was like to be happy, to be that Magnus from that night at the pub with all of you.” Magnus says in a weak voice, as tears well up in his eyes, “but no matter how hard I try, I just… I can’t remember -” Magnus’ words get cut off by a small broken sob, as a few tears start streaming down his face, “it was a heavy price to pay, my happiness, our friendship, the fame and fortune were not worth it.”

“You got sucked into the glamorous life.” Ragnor states, not unkindly.

“I got lost.” Magnus says with a shrug, “and I just can’t seem to find my way back, even though I really want to. And I just can’t breathe anymore, Ragnor, I… I can’t go on like this.” Another long silent moment falls between them, and Magnus’ head falls forward in complete exhaustion and defeat. His eyes closed and the tears finally subsided. Finally he adds, “I just want to feel okay, I don’t need more than that.”

“Perhaps it is time to leave the limelight permanently.” Ragnor suggests the brutal truth. And when Magnus tells him in response that he had finally stood up to his father, the british man says in a chilled voice, “that was surely horrifying.”

“I no longer have anything to lose.” The rockstar says in a small voice, because everything truly important he had long lost, so the threat of anything materialistic in his possession, sounds more like a blessing at the moment.

“So what now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Magnus, you will always be dear to my heart, and no amount of fights and anger will ever change or erase that.” Ragnor says after yet another long pause, “and I will always remember you as the kind and carefree man you used to be, not this version of you that your father forced you to become.”

Magnus can only let out another sob as renewed tears spill.

“And you know that you are always welcome here.” Ragnor goes on, “and I will always be happy to help you find your way back.”

And with those words, Magnus could finally see a tiny sliver of light in the darkness.

**\---**

Alec pushes his way through the usual paparazzi that crowd around Magnus’ building, ignoring the flashes, mics being shoved his way and all the questions thrown at him. He greets the front desk clerk and security guard, then crosses the entrance hall to the elevator. He takes a few deep breaths as the elevator ascends, in an attempt to calm his beating heart. Alec makes his way out of the elevator and down the corridor to Magnus’ penthouse, he takes one last deep breath, then knocks.

Raphael opens almost immediately, “oh thank god you’re here, I had no idea who else to call.” he says in a panic, Alec is about to ask what’s going on, but then Raphael moves aside to let him in and Alec steps forward and discovers a huge mess.

There are half packed boxes everywhere, piles of clothes and different objects from around the house. Alec opens his mouth and is about to question the state of the house, when a huge pile of clothes is thrown over the upstairs railing and onto the floor not far from Alec’s feet. Alec catches a quick glimpse of Magnus, as he quickly turns on his heel and stalks back in the direction of his room. 

Alec looks at Raphael in question, “he’s been like this for a few hours, since I got here.” Raphael says with a shrug, “I tried to ask him what’s going on, but he’s just stuck in his own head.”

“I’ll go try and talk to him.” Alec says, then walks up the stairs to Magnus’ bedroom. When he enters, he can hear Magnus’ frantic movements, soft sniffles and silent sobs, so he follows the sounds to the walk in closet.

The sight almost breaks his heart. Magnus is dressed in old, baggy sweats and a shirt so large, the collar falls over his shoulder. He has no makeup on and his hair is unstyled, covering his forehead, tears streaming freely from his red, puffy eyes and down his cheeks as he pulls clothes and accessories out of the shelves. “

The smaller man is pulling clothes, shoes and accessories out of the shelves and drawers, separating them into messy piles on the floor.

“Magnus?” Alec calls out to him slowly, taking a small cautious step towards him. If Magnus hears him, he shows no sign of it, just continues to take apart his closet. “Magnus, what’s going on?”

Magnus continues to ignore him as he steps on a shelf to get to the higher ones, but as he does, the shelf gives in and he stumbles. Alec is quick to step forward and catch him, “hey, hey, careful.” he said softly, scanning him to make sure he isn’t hurt, “you okay?”

Magnus shakes his head as a sob escapes his lips, he clutches onto Alec’s shirt and buries his face into his chest. “Magnus what’s going on?” Panic is growing stronger in Alec’s stomach.

“None of this means anything.” Magnus mumbles weakly, then finally looks up at Alec, “all this… stuff that I own, none of them hold any real value. I grew up so poor, and I used to fantasize about having all this, but now that I do… it feels so empty.”

“What happened, Magnus?” Alec asks, trying to cup his face, but Magnus just steps back and shakes his head. He lifts his arms to the side and makes small half circles with his body, Alec watches him, confused.

“Look around you, look at this huge closet, I used to know people who would have killed to have a home the size of this closet, fuck, I used to dream of it.” Magnus rambles, in a state that could only be described as catatonic, “I just buy and buy, hoping to feel something,  _ anything _ , thinking maybe if I have the car and the house and the clothes I’ve always wanted, it would make me happy… but I… there’s this void in me, that no amount of this... objects or even alcohol for that matter, could fill.”

“Oh Magnus I-” Alec begins, but Magnus is quick to cut him off.

“No.” he snaps sharply, “don’t fucking feel sorry for me, I don’t deserve it, any of it.” Magnus looks around him again, “I mean look at all this,” he gestures towards the mess again, then quickly picks up a mustard colored, suid biker jacket, “take this for example, I bought it at Dolce and Gabbana in Milan,” Magnus looks at the jacket with sad eyes, “I bought it two years ago and never even wore it…” 

He then throws the jacket back on the floor and picks up a pair of burgundy leather pants, “or these, from Alexander McQueen...” he throws the pants down too, then picks up a black button down shirt, with studs all over the shoulders, “this is from Versace, I have two of them and one more that looks exactly the same.” Magnus snarls, waving the shirt in his hand.

“And they were all so expensive… and now I can’t even fathom what I was thinking, why did I need all these brands?”

Alec watches Magnus throwing the shirt down as well, looking so defeated. Magnus stays silent for a long moment, and Alec lets him have a moment. Just when Alec is about to break it though, Magnus speaks up, in a broken quiet voice, “I feel like I lost myself in this world of fame and money, and I… I just really don’t know who I am anymore.”

Alec dares to take a step forward and embrace him in his arms, thankfully Magnus allows it and even hugs him back. Magnus buries his face in his shoulder and inhales deeply, his next words were spoken so softly, Alec wondered if he actually heard them or if he was even supposed to hear them at all, “this is not the version of me you deserve.”

“I love every version of you.” Alec says simply, hugging him even tighter.

A moment later they pull away just enough to look at each other, Magnus smiles sadly at him, “I know you do, and I love you for it.” he says, “but I don’t love myself right now, and I feel that before I can expect anyone to love me, or be in any kind of relationship, I need to spend some time with myself and regain that love.”

Alec wants to scream and shout, wants to shake Magnus roughly and wake him up, yell at him that he is not going anywhere. That he doesn’t want to be without him. But this isn’t about Alec and what he wants, this about Magnus, and he is going to respect that. And the hard, cold truth is that he knows the other man is right. As difficult as it may be to admit, he needs professional, serious help.

So instead of begging him to be with him, he says, “I understand.”

Magnus nods softly then raises his hands to cup Alec’s face, “I knew you would.” he says with a smile, the wraps his arms around Alec’s shoulders, still looking at him, “and believe me, there is nothing I want more than you right now, but I need to get away, I need to get out of this world for a while.”

“Is that why you’re throwing everything away?” Alec asks, looking around them, his arms still wrapped around Magnus’ waist.

Magnus shakes his head, “I’m donating most of it, taking what I need with me.” he explains.

“Where are you going?” Alec asks, lowering his forehead onto Magnus’.

“My friend Ragnor, he has a cottage in this quiet village in the south of England, I’m going to visit him there.” Magnus tells him, closing his eyes.

“Shit, that’s far.” Alec says before he could stop himself, then winces at his words, “sorry.”

“Don’t be, I know it’s far, and I know it’s not fair to you.”

“Don’t worry about me.” Alec shrugs it off, even though his insides are tearing, “how long will you be gone for?”

Magnus doesn’t reply right away, which scares Alec even more. Finally, Magnus pulls away again to look him in the eyes, “I don’t know.” he says honestly, “and I don’t want you to wait for me.”

“That sounds like you’re never coming back.” Alec states bluntly, suddenly feeling the full gravity of this situation. When Magnus stays silent once again, the fear dawns on him even more, “shit.” he breathes out and steps away from Magnus, “I understand you need some time, but this just sounds like you're running away to start a new life elsewhere.”

“It won’t be forever, but I also don’t know how long for.” Magnus says sadly, the pain evident in his eyes, “that’s why I don’t want you to wait for me, I want you to go out and live your life. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You won’t be holding me back.” Alec promises, the dread slowly creeping up on him, “I just want you to come back to me.”

Magnus smiles sadly at him, then steps forward, closing the distance between them once again, wrapping his arms around his neck, looking deep into his eyes, “I promise you, that your door will be the first one I knock on when I get back.” he says softly, “but I don’t know yet when that will be, so I want you to go on and live a beautiful life, and if you meet someone, I don’t want you to send them away because of me.”

“I don’t want to meet someone else.” Alec insists stubbornly, the frustration mixing in with the panic, he is even feeling a bit insulted, “I just want you.”

“And I want you too, but not like this.” Magnus tells him, gently stroking his cheek, “and if you’re still single when I get back, we can try again. If not, we can be friends.”

Alec cups his face and kisses his temple, then whispers into his ears, “God, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”

Then, before Magnus can respond , Alec tilts his head and kisses him on the lips. It starts soft and sweet, slowly growing into deep and passionate. Alec pours all he has into this kiss, wrapping his arms tightly around Magnus and pulling him as close as possible, sliding their lips together, sucking and biting at his bottom lip, their tongues dancing together in perfect synchronization. Breathing the same air, breathing each other’s air.

If this will be their last kiss, Alec wants to make it count, so neither of them can ever forget it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, that was one bumpy right, am I right?  
> poor Magnus, so lost and broken, but at least he is finally seeking the help his so desperately needs.
> 
> what do you think? did he make the right move in leaving and moving far away for a while?
> 
> also, I would love to hear what you think should happen next?


	16. It comes and goes in waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there my lovelies, it has been a hot minute, hasn't it?
> 
> first of all thank you all so so so much for all of the love and support throughout this fic, you have all been amazing and I cannot even begin to express how much it means to me.
> 
> it has been quite the bumpy ride, and I cannot believe that it is coming to an end... but fear not, I have more stories up my sleeves (perhaps even one or two too many), so tune in!
> 
> it has taken me quite a while to figure out how I wanted this to end... but then it came to me, and I hope you all like it. 
> 
> the song Magnus sings at the end is "waves" by Dean Lewis, and I have been obsessed with it lately, so I just had to use it - but alas, I cannot take any credit for it.
> 
> anyway, without any further ado... the final chapter!

_ 10 years earlier… _

The day they met was still etched and engraved in his brain, and he could still remember it so clearly, despite the years that have passed since, and all of the people that had come through his small clinic in Brooklyn . But none were quite like the young, shivering boy that sat on the couch across him, numbed into silence.

Any question he asked, was left hanging unanswered in the air, and so he just allowed the boy the time he needed. Eventually the full 45 minutes of the session passed, and still no word, but the therapist was un-phased, as he had been in the field enough time to know not to get discouraged. 

Ragnor Fell, who was 25 at the time and right at the first stages of his new business, had little to no prior information about the young boy who was deposited at his care by a social worker. It had taken about five or six sessions to piece together the sad back story of the fifteen year old that was abandoned by his mother, and was then put into the custody of his ruthless father.

His parents divorced five years prior, and Magnus had spent barely any time with his father - both because the man had no interest in him, and because his mother tried to keep them as far away as possible from each other. But as the years went by, his mother started to become more unstable, her free spirit and lost soul longing to be anywhere but there. She couldn’t be tied down, and she definitely couldn’t take care of a child, no matter how much she loved him.

She disappeared without warning, and the void she left behind, could not be filled. When Asmodeus discovered his talents a year into his custody of him, Magnus had no choice but to comply and start a career he didn’t want, and was in no way prepared for. He tried to fill the hollow spaces inside him with the love he received from fans, but as immense and intense as they were, it was never enough.

The first five years of his career were fairly calm, and his popularity was growing at a slow, and moderate pace. Since that first session, Magnus had grown very close and attached to Ragnor, and he kept him close for that period of time - during which they had become good friends, neither caring much about the odd circumstances.

But then Magnus had won his first Golden Globe, and throughout the following two years, it had become the first of many awards, and his popularity had grown astronomically. And for a boy that was deprived of love for so many years, it was addicting to no end. The situation only turned even more grave when Camille came into the picture and wreaked havoc.

As he stands outside Magnus’ newly purchased penthouse door, Ragnor tries to brace himself for what he would find beyond it. It is far from the first attempt, but it will surely be his last, because as much as he would always care for the younger man, there isn’t much he can do for someone who refuses to listen or get help. Especially, since the older man has a one way ticket to London, and his plane was scheduled to depart in less than 12 hours.

Over the years Ragnor had inevitably grown closer to Magnus’ friends as well, and with their help, he tried to arrange quite a few interventions, but to no avail. He even tried speaking to Asmodeus, but all the man cared about was money. So it was basically in his interest to keep Magnus as popular as possible, and his son’s addiction to it was beneficial for him.

Camille poisoning him against his friends, only worsened the situation. Magnus was overly infatuated and enamored by her, and she took every advantage of it she could, turning him into her little puppy. She completely destroyed him and took him apart, only put him back together as she saw fit for her own benefits.

When she is the one to greet him at the door, Ragnor knows that it is already a lost cause. Even if he can get past her, there is no getting through to Magnus while she is around.

“What do  _ you  _ want?” she spits, eyeing him distastefully. Having no patience or time for her, Ragnor just rolls his eyes and huffs, then pushes past her, ignoring her incredulous, “hey!” and b-lines straight to the living room, where he finds Magnus high and probably also drunk, sprawled out on the couch.

“Get up, you slob!” Ragnor growls at him, kicking at his foot. 

Magnus groans in exaggerated pain, looking annoyed and inconvenienced, “I already told you that I want nothing to do with you anymore.” Magnus hisses, not even bothering to look up at him, let alone actually get up. “Get out of my house.”

“Magnus, I am boarding a plane tonight, and I cannot in good conscience leave you like this.” Ragnor says adamantly, ignoring the demand thrown at him, “I know that you are still somewhere inside there, and I just need you to let me help you.”

With an irritated huff, Magnus finally sits up and looks at Ragnor dead in the eyes, the dark look causing the older man to flinch back slightly. “I don’t need your fucking help, I’m finally happy, I finally have something worth living for, and you just want to take it away from me.”

Ragnor is intelligent enough to recognize Camille's words coming through Magnus’ lips, but he also knew that he couldn’t point that out, especially with the woman in question standing a few steps away, her arms folded and face contorted in disgust. “Magnus, I don’t -” Ragnor tried again, but was cut short.

“Shut up!” Magnus growls at him, standing on wobbly legs, “just fly to London and leave my life for good already.”

Tense silence falls between them, in which time Ragnor stands frozen to his spot, and stares at the man who used to be such a sweet and innocent boy. Those eyes that once pleaded with him for help, are now glaring back at him with pure hostility, and together with the toxic words he spoke, render him speechless.

“I know you're old, but I didn’t think you were  _ that _ hard of hearing.” Camille interjects in her usual snake tone, which has Ragnor’s ears ringing and nerves raging, “he told you to get out.”

Ragnor pays no regard to her, and keeps his gaze firmly on the broken man standing before him, having so much to say, and yet, can’t voice any of it. “Magnus.” he asserts instead, pleading desperately in just his name. But it is a losing battle.

So instead of waiting to be told again, Ragnor forces himself to turn, then he leaves quietly.

**\---**

_ Present day… _

For the past decade, that day, that moment at Magnus’ penthouse, has haunted Ragnor wherever he went. In his dreams, in his thoughts - it was always shadowing him, a constant presence in his mind. He would relive the moment in his head, imagining all the different scenarios, all of the things he should have said and done differently. 

Out of thousands of probable outcomes, he had probably come up with them all - each different from the one before and the ones that came next. Only one thing stayed the same - the bitter, gut-wrenching feeling that followed. The bone deep regret that wouldn’t let him be.

He still kept in touch with the rest of their friends, and they updated him of their own trials and inevitable failures to get through to Magnus. But despite being a lost cause destined to fail, he still couldn’t prevent the feelings that he could have done more, that he had failed - that he failed Magnus.

There were so many moments when he wanted to call or text, he even came close to boarding a plane a few times. But he had his own life to live, and he had already given up so much in the fight, which had only caused him sorrow and pain.

It is at the end of an ordinary day of work and meeting his patients, as he tosses and turns in bed. It has been quite a while since he had last felt this restless, but for some reason, the nagging feeling that has been poking at him on and off throughout the day, finally hits him full force.

When his phone vibrates on his bedside table, he pauses for a moment, a little confused, before reaching over to grab it. When he catches sight of the name flashing on the screen, he drops his phone into the sheets and fumbles quickly to fish it out. Then he stares at the screen with shaking hands, his eyes narrowing, trying to decipher if it is real or just a figment of his imagination.

With a sudden calmness he cannot explain or even understand, he answers the call and lifts the phone to his ear. And he just  _ knows. _

  
  


Two weeks later he is standing at the entrance to his cottage as a taxi pulls up to the curb. He waits anxiously as it comes to a full halt and Magnus steps out of it, and for a long moment they just stand there looking at each other, the air between them loaded with so many years packed with a whirlwind of emotions. 

Then they both surge forward and embrace each other in a crushing hug, both whispering desperate apologies.

**\---**

_ One year later… _

The quiet hums of voices mixing together fill his ears, as he closes his eyes and hugs the acoustic guitar close to his chest. He takes a deep breath before playing the opening chords of the song, slowly losing himself in the soft rhythm of the music, no longer aware of the quiet chatter that gradually goes silent.

“There is a swelling storm, and I'm caught up in the middle of it all, and it takes control of the person that I thought I was, the boy I used to know...” With his eyes remaining shut, he begins to sing the opening verse of the song, as he sits alone on the small shabby stage, in the rustic and charming local pub. 

“But there is a light in the dark, and I feel its warmth, in my hands, in my heart, but why can't I hold on...?” Behind his closed lids he can see a huge crowd going wild, he can almost hear the faint chats of thousands of fans. 

But as the ex-rockstar reaches the pre-chorus and finally opens his eyes, he smiles faintly around the words, as the much smaller crowd of simple villagers comes into view. “It comes and goes in waves, it always does, always does, we watch as our young hearts fade, into the flood, into the flood...”

Despite the damage done to him by the music industry, Magnus could never let go of it completely, music was an inseparable part of him. When he moved to Rye, one of Ragnor’s colleagues at the therapy retreat he founded, started treating him, helping Magnus find his way back to the music.

At first, the singer would just write and compose alone in the confines of his room, or the meadows, when no one was around. But as time went by, and he could slowly feel his soul stitch together bit by bit, he mustered up the courage to start performing at the local pubs and cafes.

Sometimes he missed the rush of being on stage, the adrenaline as he danced and bounced around, the sea of fans screaming, chanting his name and singing along. But here, in a place where he was recognized because everyone knew everyone, and not because he was the Magnus Bane, he could just let the music heal him.

“And the freedom of falling, the feeling I thought was set in stone, it slips through my fingers, I'm trying hard to let go…” Magnus closes his eyes again as he reaches the chorus, the words coming out from the deepest, darkest corners of his soul, “It comes and goes in waves, it comes and goes in waves, and carries us away…”

When Magnus first arrived at Ragnor’s cottage, he was basically an empty shell, but somehow still overflowing and drowning. That first night they stayed up until dawn, despite how tired they both were, neither could go to sleep without talking. Once they started they couldn’t stop.

The road was very bumpy after that, as Magnus began his path to healing himself. He would have constant night terrors and anxiety attacks throughout all hours of the day, mixed together with the alcohol withdrawal symptoms, Magnus felt like things were only getting worse.

But his therapist insisted that it was perfectly normal, that often things got worse before they improved. And Magnus had no other choice but to trust him. Ragnor couldn’t treat him because of the ethical code, but his old friend sat with him many nights, lending a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on when things got the darkest.

His father of course, was pissed off, but luckily didn’t hunt him down. He did empty out his bank accounts as he promised. But before he could, Magnus did manage to donate a good chunk of it to Ragnor’s institution, and even keep a small, modest amount for himself. 

But the hardest of all was the ache in his heart that wouldn’t fade, the bone crushing longing that consumed him. Nothing he did helped ease it, and so many times he almost called or messaged him, but held on with every fiber of his being not to. 

Until one day, after a conversation with Ragnor, he could no longer hold it in. Magnus felt like the complete disconnect between them was only causing him more damage than doing any good. So he sent him a message, asking if they could keep in touch, and Alec complied almost immediately. 

At first they mainly messaged and spoke on the phone occasionally, and it was a bit awkward, but neither of them cared, as long as they got to speak. Magnus tried to keep the conversations casual, also because he didn’t want them to be tainted with the heaviness of his grim situation, but mainly because he didn’t want to suck the younger man in deeper. Magnus wanted to keep that space between them, so he wouldn’t prevent Alec from moving on.

That didn’t last long however. After a while, the conversations got inevitably deeper, but surprisingly, it didn’t taint anything. The openness unlocked something between them, strengthening their connection even more. When the calls were no longer enough, they started video-chatting, and Magnus just knew that there was no turning back, once they crossed that line. But no matter how hard they tried, neither could hold back.

“Through the wind, down to the place we used to lay when we were kids…” Magnus opens his eyes as he begins the second verse, scanning the room and searching through the crowd, “Memories of a stolen place, caught in the silence, an echo lost in space…”

As he reaches the pre-chorus again, Magnus’ eyes finally land on the hazel one’s watching from the back, sitting by the bar, and a warm smile spreads on his face. Alec smiles back and looks just about ready to devour him.

Almost six months ago, Alec had finally had enough of the distance between them, and decided to surprise Magnus. He had spoken to Ragnor and together they planned for his arrival. 

And as Magnus sings the chorus for the second time, keeping his eyes on his beautiful boyfriend, he remembers that day, can still picture it in vivid details - how Ragnor told him he had a surprise for him, and dragged him out of his small make-shift studio, insisting he should take a break and come see.

Magnus, who was deep into writing the song he is now singing, tried to fight against his friend who was breaking his mojo. But Ragnor couldn’t care less that he was in the zone, and dragged him off anyway.

And when Magnus saw Alec standing in the living room of the cottage, he froze, the song and his fight completely forgotten. He didn’t even notice when Ragnor let go of him, and left them alone in the room. 

Then, without a single word, they both surged forward and closed the distance between them. Alec wrapped him up tightly into his arms, and Magnus curled up against his chest, closing his eyes, and inhaling his intoxicating scent. 

It hasn’t been easy, with Alec going back and forth, leaving him for weeks at a time to record or tour - but as long as they could be in each other's lives, and be together, nothing else mattered. They make it work. 

_ And freedom _ _   
_ _ And falling _ _   
_ _ The feeling I thought was set in stone _ _   
_ _ It slips through my fingers _ _   
_ _ Trying hard to let go _ _   
_ _ It comes and goes in waves _ __   
_ It comes and goes in waves _ _   
_ __ And carries us away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo... what's the verdict? was that any good?
> 
> finally Magnus got the help he needed and re-discovered himself and the music.  
> I know it is a bit of an open ending, and there is not a lot of Malec in here, but I just felt like this is what was right for the story. and at least they are happy and end up together!
> 
> anyway, please let me know what you think!  
> hope to see you all soon in my future fics :P

**Author's Note:**

> please come follow me on my new Instagram account: [mblwrites](https://www.instagram.com/mblwrites/?hl=en)
> 
> and on [tumblr](https://mblwrites.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I started a blog!! and it would mean the world to me if you came to check it out! you can do so, right here - www.mblwrites.com


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